WIT AND HUMOUR.

Waipawa Mail, Volume XIII, Issue 2499, 30 August 1890, Page 7 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR.

» T A. JL 1 IU A. 7 VZ -M. V* The family circle—a wedding ring. “ K&et it dark!” whispered the barglar to his pal as he blew out the light. A Paris aetresa, meeting a physician armed with a gun, said to him: “Are you afraid, then, that your prescription will not be auffi. cient?” REttiSTLAn: u How eld are you, madam?” Ancient Female: “I have seen nineteen summers, sir.” Registrar: “Urn! How long have you been blind r” He: “ Why do you break the engagement?” She: 1 * Because pa’s dog bit you last night, and I wouldn’t run the risk of bringing hydrophobia into tho family*” Mrs. de Million: “And you thought I married you for love ? "What did you take woe - for?” De Million (mournfully): “ For bstter or for worse.” Mabel : “ Did you hear that Besqie WiUia was married yesterday to Tom Guzzler V’’ Maud : “ Really? I thought she would he the last person to many him.” Mabel: “Well, she was, wasn’t sheV* How many men each day you’ll see, Of such there is uc dearth, Whose only mission seems to ho To take up room on earth. Hibernian Nurse : “ Arrah ! wake up, wake up!” Hospital Patient (drowsily) : 41 What is it r Hibernian Nurse : “ It’s time for your slaping medicine, sir, so it is.” The Established Rule.—First Poet: “I wrote Miss Starlight a week ago and sent her my love. I dont see why she has not returned it.” Second Poet (absentmindedly) : “ Did you enclose stamps for its return ?” Young Wife: “Charley, darling, aro you perfectly satisfied with married life r” Young Husband (enthusiastically) : “Well, I should say so. Why, if you were to die to-morrow, I believe I would get married again next week.” A lumper was engaged carrying large pit j props from a steamer to the quay, when his , foreman came up and said : “ I say, Pat, you have got that stick upon tho wrong shoulder, j “Faith, I know that,” replied Pat, softly, “ for it should be on yours.” . . Mr. Travers (clerk) : “If possible, sir, I would like to go to my grandmother's funeral today.” Head of firm : “ Certainly. But I hoj® for propriety’s sake, Travers, that you won't go in that white flannel tennis saw you snenk behind your desk this morning.” Stout Old Lady (to druggist boy) : “Boy, d’ye keep a preparation for reducing the weight?” -Boy: “Yes, ’m.” Stout Old Lady: “ Well, I don’t know exactly how much I ought to get.” Boy (diagnosing) : “ Better take all we’ve got, ma’am!’ “ Is your friend putting anything away for a rainy day ?” “He doesn’t need to.” “Why not ?” “ He’s a dry humourist. Mistress (to new girl) : “By the way, Bridget, I forget whether I told you or not when you came, but I do notallow my kitchen - girls to have any followers.” Bridget : “Yez tould me when I came, Mrs. Chucksley, an’ I haven’t forgot. I dhrove Mr. Chucksley out av tlie kitchen lasht night wid. a dipperful of bilin’ walker, muni.” One day a toy got a sum to do. His master was very strict, and would not pass anything without it was perfect. When done with the sum the boy took it out to his master, and found it to l*e twopenco-halfpenny wrong. “Go back to your seat and do it correctly,cried tho enraged master. “ Please, sir,” said the boy, handing him fcwopence-halfpenny, ‘ I would rather pay the difference.” Edith fat Mon te Carlo, in an audible whisper); “ I’ll put this louis d'or upon the number of my age, Ethel. I’m sure it will win. ’ (Places it on nineteen. The kill is swirled, and settles in the compartment marked twentynine.) Ethel: “Oh, Edith, why didn’t you | place it on the right one? Only think, you would have won thirty-six loqis.” “ Gentlemen of the jury,” said the Arizona ■ judge, “if you find from the testimony that ■ the prisoner (who, I understand, intends to | set up a free lunch at the conclusion of Ins j trial) really stole the barrel of _ teu-year-old t whiskey (whieh it appears in evidence he exj pected to open at his saloon tins afternoon), ! you will bring in a verdict of guilty ; otheri wise, gentlemen, you will acquit him.” In j precisely two minutes and eleven seconds the . jury were getting acquainted with tho contents ! of tha t barrel. ; AN EMBARRASSING INTERRUPTION, j He had called that very evening, anxious to decide his fate, And his heart in quickened measure time kept beating, While the hopes he long had ©henshed tremblingly liis tongue did state, And he pleaded for the word his joy com- ! But tire maiifen coyly dallied in the matter ol reply, As a maiden often will, oh! whim the oddest. Lest too an acquiescence might appeal | Hiiste indecorous*and not exactly modest. | On his knees he craved the answer that would brighten all his life, And his plea was as such merits love s coin passion, | As he begged that she’d consent to be hr happiness, his wife, And implored her in the regulation fashion, i What reply she would have made him tin narrator cannnot say, For little brother entered unawares, And his shout adjourned proceedings in i hurried sort of way— . . , “ Mamma, come, for Mr. Smith is havm prayore I ”