Amateur Farming.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1904, 11 June 1892, Page 1 (Supplement)

Amateur Farming.

A person on an amateur farm its, to a oertain extent, isolated, and iv at the mercy of various marauders that infest civilisation — or, as I am Freaking of amateur 'arming, perhaps I hi oil I say — semi-civilised tsooiety. Tramps, boi k- i;eut«, insurance solicitors and all that soi.i of terror have the sraateui farmer or his wife at their mercy. Even if you shout for help the neighbors are too distant to hear you. The book-agent ia a terror and sometimes a woman.

The other week one of them came around, but nobody was at home, and she contented herself with thrusting under the door a circular describing the advantages of a serial work entitled •' The Pictorial Ifistory of Spain." Bnt what interested me meet was a torn bit of paper which the agent had dropped unawares, and which was ad follows.

" PBIVATB AKD CONFIDENTIAL."

(N.B.— This must on bo account be shown even to your bsßt friend.) "It is uu fortunately now the case that many persons oljeet to call from a bookagent. Such being the case it behoves the succe3ful agent to tpke mora than ordinary care in approaching a customer. It having besn rcpoi ted to us that people havo deliberately shut the doer in the faces of our agents before a word could bo saici, we have given the subject much thought and have compiled a set of rules which, if strictly followed, is sure tort-suit in c-uccjf?.

" F-rat— Dress like a lady or gentleman. " Second— Htive no book or parcel visi. blc.

" Third — To gain the confidence of the person approached and obtain admittance to the house, proceed aa — "

Thfre it left off just at the most exasperating point. Not even "to be continued "at tao end of it. The paper was torn across, and I waa torn with anxiety to know juei how the agent got in and how she won my oonfindence.

The week after that I wasn't at home much. Houßccleaning time is properly supposed to ba the most trying period of life for the unfortunate man of the family. I, of course, try to avoid the dwelling then as much as possible ; but, in my opinion, houeecleaning isn't a oircn instance to the tomato canning struggle. Then the place takea on a fearful and sanguinary appearance. There is to me something appalling in the sight of the woman of the house with sleeves rolled up to tho elbow and the formerly fair arm drippkig with the crimson gore of the slaughtered tomato. The house reeks with the odor of boiling tomatoes. Eowa of grim bluebeard jars stand on the shelves of this vegetiavian butchery and others empty yawn for blood.

" In such & place aa this and at such an hour" it is just as well for fhe insignificant man person to keep away from home, in the heat of the carnage the lady of the house doesn't want to see the best friend she has on carth — much less her husband.

Just as the tomato saturnalia was at its height thero came a ring at tha door bell. The girl went to the door and came back with v, reat cird in her hand, on which were beautifully engraved the words, " Edithßlotterwii^k."

" Dear me, said the lady of tho house, wiping her tomatc-Ftnined hands on the kitchen toy.-el and taking the card, " I don't want to see anybody. 1 don't remember that name. What did she look like ? Had she a parcel ?" " No, ma'am.'

" Ig shG an agsnt, do you think ?" " She tion't look like one." " Had she a subscription book in her iiard?"

" Nj, rnVarn ; nothing but a 'nice parasol, with lace on it." " Did you show her in tho parlor ?" " Ye?, ma'am," " Then tell hsr, please, that I'll be down in & few minute?." With that the worried woman ran up stair 3, hastily removed cU traesa of *he tomato fight, put on a nt<;c dresa, fixed up her Lair a bit, pinned a &*ooch in place, slipped on an asecrtaieni of ringp, gave her flushed face a few clashes of powdar, took a backward giaaoo at tin trhror to see that the drapery hung all righi, end then came down to»the parlor with the f^attly air of a lady of infinite leisure rather than the manner of an over-worried amateur farmer's wife. She approached her visitor with that air of non-committal reserve that may in a moment brighten into a genial welcome or freeze into a rigid dismissal, which ladie? eeem to know how to aEsume towards those about whom there is doubt as to the desirability of further acquaintance. The visitor rose with a pleasant smile, and jaid: " I am so pleased to meet you, but lam _fraid I have come at an inappropriate iime." " Oh, not at all," was the uncandid reply. " I was talking abnut literature with Mrs. Blank the other day and she said that you were very fond of leading." '« Yes, I am ; but I am eorry ir> say that at this scafon of- tl'e year it is "ara to get much timo fcr reading." It was certainly s most inappropriate time for tho discuaeiou of literature. Only too plainly was in the air the scent of Lurning tomatoes, and tl c mistress was certain that she maid would pour tho red-hot mixture into an ico cold gh3s jar and split it into a cbous-.ntl fragments. "Tnat'K just it," resumed the visitor airily. "If a pcreon desires to read,- one must taka it in soetione. Now lam selling" —here she u hipped out from under her oloak a larpe thin pipcr-covercd '• instalment " — a most remarkable v.oik, " The Pictorial History or Spain," superbly illustrated — complete in thirty six parta— one part a month, ort<so or four, j.;=t an you choose — at sixpence a part. Agents usually sell such art numbers at one shilling or five shillings each : but this with a complete," eio. etc. I am sure that if an indignant look could have obliterated a bo.'k n^cnt that voluble lady would not still be selling this valuable literßry production. But itehowa tne heroia bravery of the ledy nger.t. I would not have been in Lor piaoe fcr a farm. And yet — I could hardly believe it, beoauEe, you tee, I've been mcrried a great many years— nothing (e r rible_ happened. The lady of the house merely said that when ohe bought a book she was in the habit of going lo a book store and selecting for hernelf. Then ehe went back to tho final eon* quest cf the luscious tomato. Disgusted Husband— " Is there noway to fcsnp you from luafcicg the nasty little pug dog?" Wife— "You might teach hina to chew tobacco." Jones, who is an inveterate diner-out, ia also a bit of a philosopher. This is his "mot": "I hear a great deal said about the slowness of the turtle, but notice that he generally arrives in time for coup." Miss Ketchon— " Did you knock at the door when yon carno to-night, George?" Mr. Tumbler—" Yts, Amy, why do yog ask?" Misa Eetchcn (shjly)— "l thought pep. haps you had como wim a ring." Q-eorge— " Will you miss me when I'm goae, Maud?" Maud — -'Indeed 1 will." Grorge— " Tiitr. I shall be co happy.' Hand — '' S-i '-bell I be." Gvr-e- "D. wLat?" ly^i !__'• II -, r-T t t r>!-'F vny. ci JiusttE.do you know when ytur sister's birthday ie?" asked Chappie. " Is? You mean was, don't you? She had.it 30 years ago/ returned Jimmie.