A Disastrous Duel.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XXIV, Issue 1902, 4 June 1892, Page 1 (Supplement)

A Disastrous Duel.

Rfra Blood (to the colonel, who has jnst returned from fighting a duel): "Oh, Colonel, you look distressed ; is it possible you have id jured your antagonist ?" Colonel Blood : "A do\iiish sight worse, my deur. I killed a valuable mule in an adjoining lot, and I a'pose I'll have to pay for him." Soloman Levi: "Vot vos der matter, Isaac? You Jooks dov/n in der month." Isaac : " I vo3 the victim of a terrible act of injustice, Solomon. An Irishman cornea into my clodinys-sioro and trades me a £5 parrot for a suit of clothes. De clothes cost me sa. I hangs da parrot out by de door and pretty soon along oomes an Irish prooeseion. De parrot shouts • Shoot the Pope I' S'belp me if it didn't cost me £20 to get a aaw front put in mine store." Mrs. Westsido : " You say that your husband has turned over a new leaf and never gees down town of an evening." Mrs. Easyfoolcd : " Yea, he isn't the same man thai he used to be. Why, he spendß hour after hour in Ihe nursery -with the children, and allows mo to go and call on my neighbours as much as I like. And oh 1 1 wish you could ccc my new curse maid. She is suoh a treasure, so well eduoated and refined, and really quite a beauty, while she and my husband get along bo well together that you would really think that she was a guest rather than a servant." Two days later the gossip in the vicinity of that happy home is so thick that it is positively sticky. Of late much has been written on the sense of smell in dogs, and the following is to me a puzzling instance : I frequently go to a place in the country in pursuit of the early grouse, and of courso some Clumbers go with me, champion Johnny invariably being of the party. When I drive to the post-office for my mail or elsewhere on business the dogs are shut up in tie house. Johnny then watches for an opportunity to steal away. If he succeeds in doing bo, I see him running along the road th&t my bug-ry has travelled, nose to the ground, tit-ing no notice of the pproaching vehicle until I call him, when ue trots homo aftr-r me perfeotly content. He has never overtaken the trap, so I do not know what he would do in that case. It makes not the least difference what road I travel, he follows every time he can make his escape. Now what s?ent does he follow? The horses ? THo tu^gy wheels ? What ? A certain yenug scciely blood, who does not live a thousand miles from Melbourne, happened to get ia with a " lush " crowd of fellows on a certain cvrr.tf ul day, and in conscquenoe get rather ge,y. It is strange, but nevertheless true, that for the l&st five yeara, ho has made it a point to get in with the came crowd on a holulay, and he invariably gets full and noißy. On the day mentioned he started with his crowd to do the saloons, and as the liquor began to get in its full work, he began to get noisy. About five o'clock in the evening he entered a fashionable drinking palace, and staggering up to the bar, exclaimed : " I'm (bic) the' great Australian emu and kangaroo, an' thi3 is my (bio) day to scream I" Thereupon ho pave a whoop that could be heard a block aw.-", v- d proceeded to follow it np wilh a ecrttu'j. In this he was only partly successful, for ero the noise bad got full headway, a stream from the bainiau'd coda bottle caught the young man in the eye, and so dampened hia ardor that ho shut up tighter than an oyster. It i3now only neoacsary for his friends to allude to him as " tha gieat Australian kargaroo " to cause his purse strings to loosen for anything from a bottle of " oham" to an oyster supper. " How did you begin life ?" the young man asked the p,reat man. « 1 didn't begin it," truthfully replied the great man; " It was here when I got here." Afteii all the man who shows yoa your weakness is your friend. He does not become your enemy until he takes advantage of it. News comes from Paris that the bustle it to be much reduced in size. Thus does Fashion's decrae oast a etumbling-blook in the path of female smugglers. The man who borrows £1 from you and neglects to return U is of ito thought to have a poor memory, when, in i'acii. the man is poor •jii? r.ni iba v'j^rnr-xr In Chili every \vuman~ovtr 21 c=\n vote on sll qu'Btions.

JNo .Kooni For Him. 'I hear, : said Mr. Glummer, 'that young Giddj has gone to the ineauo acylum." 'So ?' answered bis partner ; « busineß* troubles 1" j. 'No: loneliness. He married a girl with * mission about a year ago and has only seen her twice ticce, and both times at board meetings.'* - , Earns That Need Shepherds. 'What is there in this great land that needs protection? 1 scornfully demands a loathsome contemporary. Well, our infant navy seems to need an umbrella and a life preserver about as sorely as any industry that is struggling to keep afloat. Propound something colosbrl next time,' Modern Literaturer Inkwell, who doesn't look overjoyed at tha prospect of goingout: "What in this affair at Thread's to-night ?" Mrs. I. : "It's a literary sociable." Inkwell: "And what under the eun is that ? What do wo do at a literary oociablo ? V/hat is the racket? Any speeches, ? Poems? Essays? Book talk ? Anything of that sort ?' Mrs.l. : ■' Why cci tainly not ; are you crazy J Just cards and dancing.' That'll Fetch Him. A new Frenrji gun thr.»va a projectile having c shell of German silver. This h probably intended to kill tho sulkr wiiii. Graze After Meat. Ilard working tramp: 'Haven't you got a cord or two oi wood you want sawed after breakfast ?' Astonished housewife, eagerly: ' Indeed I have, and I want it sawed light away.' Hard working ti;. up, hcaitiiy : 'It's ago 1' Eats breakfast 1 )r threo and rises up to go, remarking, ' I'll keep my eyes op^n and If I see a man in our line who looks ts iboL^h ha would like to saw that wood, I'll send h<r\ along.' An Undergraduate. 'How's that for a fqaccze ?' asked George Himself, as one thing and another crackled, and popped, and started, btf ore ho unlocked his arms and sat up straight. 'George,' said Amanda Herself, drawing the longest I'jvatli" flio had taken in three minutes, "you \c Loon taking les6ons of the new hydraulic press. l»o you take me for a bale ol hay? 1 Not Such an Easy TMng, Either. Proud mamma : ' And how does my little Algernon apply himself, Miss Sparetherod ?' School teacher, ■.••hose timo is up to-day and who is going to be married : " Oh, very well indeed.' Proud mamma : ' And what does he learn most easily ?' Miss Sparetherod, coldly : ' Well, ho learns to forget about as readily as any child I ever saw.'