To be Called Early.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XX, Issue 1428, 11 February 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

To be Called Early.

One evening, not long ago, there wa3 arrested in Melbourne an old gentleman of position aud of cheery habits. The policeman said he bad found tbe old gebtleman on the street very drunk. The complaint was entered against him, but as he seemed to be able to get afeout, he was released on his recognisance, and sent home in a hack, which he paid for with great alacrity. When his case came up in court, the only witnesses summoned to prove his condition were the policeman and the old family servant of the accused, a faithful and devoted retainer.

The policeman had given his testimony, which was unqualified to the fact of the old gentleman's intoxication. Then the old servant was called to the stand. There was a mingled expression of indignation and determination on his countenance. He testified flatly, to the surprise of the court-room, that the old man was sober when he came home. The prosecuting attorney proceeded to question :

" You say that Mr. — — was sober when he came home ? " " Yes, sir." " Did he go to bed alone ? " " No, sir." " Did you put him to bed 1 " " Ye 3, sir." " And he was perfectly sober ? " " Yes, sir," •'What did he say when you put him to bed ? "

"He said ' Good-night.' " " Anything else ? " " He said as how I was to call him early.' 5 "Anything else? " " Yes, sir." " What was it? Tell me exactly what he said, every word."

" He said as how I was to wake and call him early, for he was to be Queen of the May ! "

The court- room roared. And in spite of the old servant's positive testimony, the accused was convicted and fined.

t; Your oat is much thinner than it was when I last met you," said a man addressing an acquaintance.

" Yes, considerable of it came out." " How do you account for it?"

" Thought." 1: What ! you don't mean to say that thinkj ing caused it to come out ?" " Yes." " That goes to prove that baldness is often caused by mental work. I have for some time been thinking of preparing an article on that subject, and I would like for you to give me your experience." " Well, I can do so in a few words. Several weeks ago I was talking to a fellow rained Jackson. We were engaged in a dispute concerning the settlement of a debt, and directly after thinking of something my bair began to fall out."

" I don't understand it." " 1 do. I said what I thought, and he reached atter me."

Mrs- A- — "I wish I knew what to do when my husband comes home tight."' Mrs. B. — "I have adopted a plan that has almost cured my husband." " What is it ?" " You know the boozy fellows pull themselves upstairs by tbe banister ?" "Just so. Do you take away the banister ?•'

" Well, not precisely, but you came very near guessing it. As soon as he starts out for the lodge I grease the banister, and when he tries to pull himself up by it his hands slip, and he keeps on going and going, and never gets anywhere, like a horse on a threshing machine. If you want to be amused, grease the banister, and watch the poor fellow try to pull himself up stairs. After & while he will get tired of coming home tight." Business Interfered-— " See tbe races* yesterdaj ?"' be asked, as they met at the post-office. " Naw !" replied tbe boy addressstf, "Why not?" " Business interfered." "How?" '•' A cop caught me afore 1 could climb thefer^ <•>."' " Did .'t you argue with him 7" [ •• v mrse, but the more I argued the Larderhe shook me. Say, Jim, do you know what I. think'? 1 ' " Naw." " Well, all these things are got up to spitte you'n me and make us feel bad. Let's take an overdose of carbolic acid !'' The Blood of Martyrs.— " There is a beautiful place, but it is enough to make a man sad to look at it." " Whyso?"' " On account of its history ; for, despite its calm and serene surroundings, it was built upon the groans, tears, wailings. and blood of widows, orphans, old men, and struggling women." " You don't say id Was it built by a railway contractor?' 11 Oh, no ; by a dentist." Justice is Not Blind-— Magistrate 1(to policeman) — <( Wt*c's the charge against" this man ?" Policeman—" He asked me if it was hot; enough for me.'' Magistrate—" Six months." Jimmy Could Supply Eim — " Johnny."*" said the minister, rather severely, "do you chow tobacco ?" " Yes, sir," was the reply, " but I'm cleatt out just now ; Jimmy Brown's got sodic, though."