FROM UNCLE KIAH'S DIARY.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XX, Issue 1385, 10 September 1887, Page 1 (Supplement)

FROM UNCLE KIAH'S DIARY.

Since my sister, Julia Sophia, who bad kep' house for me nigh onto twenty years, took it into her head to git married to her cousin, Bill Perkins, and go back to Illinois with him, I and my nephew, Abe Perkins, has been keeping bachelor's hall. Julia Sophia and Bill had been engaged when they was young, but they had quarelled, and Bill went out to Illinois and married, and had seven young uns ; and when bis wife died, he come East and married Julia Sophia and took her home with him, and I and Abe was JeEt to keep house for ourselves. Well, we got along pretty well until we had eat up all the vittles Julia Sophia had cooked for us bei she went away, and our clothes got dirty ; and then Abe said I must git me a wife, or we'd starve to death. " But where shall I git one 1 " I said. " I don't know," sed Abe " unless you advertise for one. I see sech a advertisement in a newspaper once." So we sot down an writ the advertisement. Here it is :—: — " Wife Wanted : — Eny female woman in want of a husbun an a good home will pL-ese cawl on Hezzekiar Perkins at his farm in Grigsby Holler, Windham County, Conn. — 1 mild frum the villidge." Abe has gorn tv carry the advertisement tv the Grigsby Holler " Nuze," an I must go an dew the chores Aug. thr, Bth.— Wal, thet advertisement cum out in the Grigsby Holler " N.uze," an sence then I've had a f .urrible time of it. The way them wimmin swarmed tv my house was a cawshun. Old an yung, humbly an pritty, old mades an widders, an all kinds that was ever mannerfactud. For 2 days thare has ben a duzen or 20 here all the time — when I wud go away 1 or 2 more wud cum an take her place ; an the way they qurrilled an run 1 another down wad make yure hare stan on eend tv hear üm. I hadn't no chance tv make a seleckshun, an I didn't dare tv, either ; for ef I bad, I beleeve the rest of üm wud have killed her on the spot. Early this mornin be 4 eny of them wimmin got here, we fastened all the doors an winders, shet the winder blinds, an Abe writ " Gorn tv Yurup" on a door ; an now when eny of üm cums they reed thet notis, look at the shet np house, an leeve at wunce. I am writin this in my bed-rame tip-stares an Abe has gorn tv the villidge tv hey another advertisement put in the Grisby Holler " Nvze." The advertisement reads : —

" Take Notis. Hezzekiar Perkins has con* eluded not tv git merrid." Aug. 15th.— -We didn't dare tv open them winder blinds nor take thet notis off of the front door until arfter the nex number of the Grisby Holler "Nuze" was out, tho them wimmin stopt cumin in a day or 2 arftsr we shet up the house. " Unkle Kiar," sed Abe, es we sot at onr mizerably cooked dinner day before yistiddy, "sence thet advertisin sceme didn't wurk rite, yu'll hey to kort sumbody." "Who shall I kort?" sed I. " Wai,"' sed Abe, " thare's Sally Mariar Briggs. She's es smart es a cricket, an es neet es a pin. an she's real good lookin' an only forty— jest 5 years yunger'n you be." " Abe," sed I, " yure a brick. I allus did like Sally Mariar." "An I gess she likes yu," sed Abe. "She allus invites me in when I'm goin by, an gives me a glass of sider or lemonade; an she allus asks about you, an says it's tew bad thet yu hey tv dew yure own housework. I dew arrunts for her tv the vj llidge, sumtimes, an she allus gives me 10 sents for my trubble." " But how shall I begin to kort her, Abe? " sed I. " I never korted enybody, you kno." " I don't kno," sed Abe, scrachin his bed. "Them fellers in stories an dime novils sarahnade their gals, an genrally sing snmthing that they make up theirselfs.' So thot nite I an Abe sot up until arfter midnite, an writ a song with 7teen verses in it. JiVe writ it in short meter, cause Abe sed he couldn't play it on his juice-harp if 'twas writ eny other way. The next nite, arfter dark, we went tv the house where Sally Mariar lived with her par and mar, and got under a winder where we see a lite. " Now," said Abe, puttin' his juice-harp tv his mouth, " begin." ■An Abe begun tv play, an I begun tv sing :— " Sally Mariar, yure Hezzekiar Is out here in the cold ; Oh—" But we didn't git no further, for thare was a femi9 shreek, an sumbody rushed frum the rume ; an about a minnit later we heard Sally Mariar down in the kitchin, a-sayin, — 11 Oh, par, there's sum wild critter a-howlin under my winder." "It must hey got away frum thet circus thet was down tv the villidge last week," sed ole Mister Briggs. "I'll let the dorg loose." Es sune as we heard thet, I an Abe started an run ; an we didn't stop runnin till we got home. Aug. 25^.— "Unkle Xi," sed Abe, the mornin arfter the sarahnade, '"thet sarahnadin racket didn't wurk wuth a sent. Yude better dress up in yure best close, nex Sundy nite, an go kort her like a Kristchun." « All rite, Abe," sed I ; " I'll dew it." So, when Sundy nite cum round I drest up an startid tv see Sally Mariar. But when I cum in site of the house I couldn't muster tip curridge ennf to go in ; so I thorfc I'd keep along an not stop. I hadn't got moren 3 yards by the gate when Sally Mariar cam tv the door an sed. — " Oh, Mister Perkins, won't yu cum an help me drive the hog out of the gardin. He's rootin the turnip-bed all ta peeces. Par and mar hasgorntu prare-meetin tv the villidge, an I dassent undertake tv drive him out, alone." " Yes," sed I, mity tickled to find a ascuse for goin' in ; "I shall be pleesedtube of eny service tv yu." ■*" Thank yu," sed |she, so sweetly that I warnted tv take her rite up in my arms an kiss her. We went tv the wood pile an got sum clubs, an then we went for thet hog. But he hadn't dun thet turnup-bed tv his satisfackshun, an warn't goin tv leeve the gardin till he got reddy ; an the way we raced about the gardin arfter thet hog, was a cawshun. Finely, he turned short about an cum at me, an the nex thing I new I was layin on my back in the turnup-bed whare he had been rootin. Sally Mariar helped me up agin, an when I looked to see whare thet hog was, he was calmly an majestically warkin out thru the gate. Sally Mariar brushed the durt off of me, an then we shet the gate arfter thet hog an went inter the house ; an — wal, b«4 the ole folks got home got home we had sot the day, an to-morrow We start on our bridle tower. T. S. Abe will take his meals with" Sally Mariar's par and mar while we're gorn. Sally Mariar arranged it, for she sed he'dstravetu death ef he didn't eet thare ; an the old fokes sed they'd be glad tv hey him, for then thay wudn't miss Sally Mariar so much. I an my wife will visit Nu York an Niagery Falls, an be] tv home in time ta cummence harvistin, 539