The Harlem Tramp.

Tuapeka Times, Volume XVIII, Issue 1183, 26 September 1885, Page 6

The Harlem Tramp.

HE ENTERTAINS THE BAKKEEPEB WITH SOME ORIGINAL SAYEJGS. " That's what I like to see— a good fire ; it looks like blooming hospitality. But it would greatly add to my present hospitality if I had a little of the stuff that breaks up homes." " I suppose," remarked the barkeeper, " that I must treat, but what a fool a man is to put that in his mouth that steals away his brains." "Oh, let up on that stuff," growled tka tramp. "You neves could put anything in your mouth to steal away your brains. Just shut off the morality lecture and produce the old stuff." The barkeeper did. With all his faults he was good natured, and he admired the nerve • of the tramp. When the tramp had disposed of .the poison he said : " It makes me tired to hear a lot of moral sayings : " Man is known by tb.B company he keeps," " a soft answer turneth away wrath," and hundreds of other chestnuts. Why don't they get some new sayings ?" " Where can they get 'em ?" asked the barkeeper. "Why, let 'em go to a philosopher and - have 'em written ; what's the matter with that ? While on the road I wrote a lot myself. Talk about proverbg and old sayings, yoa . ought to hear mine." " Let's hear 'em ?" said the bar keeper. " For nothing ?" said the tramp indignantly. " Not much. Just proceed to wet the interior of the philosopher with another dose of insanity." "These thing 3 I have written," said tha tramp, "may not be put in choice- language, They are the spontaneous outpourings of a heart that bleeds for humanity. Every ona of them is a gem, and deeervea a place in history. I make no claims of being educated, bif theie are no flies on ma when it comes to eixfcing human nature down to the core. If" the audience. is ready the philosopher will gush. " Now, gentlemen, lisien. Here are the proverbs and sayings I have invented, and any infringement will be prosecuted according to law. " A five-cent Bhave is better than a dirty face. 11 Never judge a man by the olothes that he wears. He may have borrowed them. " A firm that pays its office boy $2 a week deserves to have its postage stamp's stolen. " JS is better to be honest than ba poor. " Goad clothes make a better impression on society than a good name. •• A poor man's evil deads are a crime, a rich man's a mistake. "A five-cent meal, -with contentment, is batter than a Ddmonico layout with a heavy creditor. 41 An licnasi politician is the noblest work of the creator. " X man who cr».n ha honest on an empty stomach can L ia^ea wiib your pocket" book. " A Dog nevsr &-ts dran&, and consequently he ia man's best luc^d. " Oae half the world -don't know how the other half lives, and it don't care. " Death must be happiness. Most of living faces are sad, but nothing grins like a dead man's skull. "Liars have their usefulness— they make the truth appear more beautiful by contrast. " Shabby men have one consolation — pickpocksts are well dressed." " There," shouted the tramp, as he brought his fi*3t down on the bar with a bang, " there you have a lot oi sayings that are true, and can warm the hide off the old_ saws in one round. Now that I have enlightened your minda what is my reward ?"

The Yaakse's Floating Marble. A?r Englishman, Freachrnaa and American were discussing the merits oi painters of tbeir respective countries. The American, alter listening to all the others had to advance in favor of their countrymen, remarked. " Wall, yes, I guess they did eomo tall painting, bat there was a young fellow in our village, and he got a piece of marble and painted it like cork, and darn me ii it didn't float." — Augusta Chronicle. lie Efada'c Noticed It. " Aw, Miss Helen," smiled a sickly dude, trigged oat in all his paraphernalia, promenading with a young lady, " will yon "be bo kind as to notice my new walking Btiok ? It 10 the verwy latest, I assuah yon. "Ah, yes, quite handsome," ehe replied taking it from his hands and twirling it gracefully. " Aw, Mies Helen, I aasnah you it is quite too becoming. I should think, ah, don't you know, that you would walk with a stick." "1 do sometimes, Mr. Fitzclarence," ens responded, and Mr. F— merely said, " Aw, I was not awaih-of it,'. 1 and went on talking. — Merchant Trawler. Word From Mother. Mb. and Mrs. X. are on their wedding tour. Mrs. X. received a letter from her, mother, which concludea : " I hope that you will be good and kind to your husband, who is a splendid fellow." Mr. X : "Is there no word for ma from your mother ?" arre.x. ; " oh, yeßi Sbfl hopeß yon will be good and bind to auan an excellent wife aa I am." — The Rambler. Perhaps he was not Asleep The old man snored on his corn-husk bed, And dreamed of rails and fodder and grain, - But hia daughter watched by her window-sill For the gay young man to come up the lane 0, love is mighty— and bolts are weak To restrain a fellow that believes in cheek. " Hither, my dove," in soft tones cace From under her window. Oat in the night She Blid from a clothes-line ; all prepared, And in less than a minute was out of Bight, While the rowdy old owl sang out " too hoo 1" And they both skeddled too Kalamazoo. The sun was up and the old man woke, He missed hia_daughtej: and saw the racketAs he spied a note in her vacant room, Stuck in the crack of a walnut bracket. He read it slowly and quietly said : " Doggone good *.hmg that I went to bed." — Philadelphia Nev*.