F A C E T I A b.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 276, 15 May 1873, Page 7

F A C E T I Ab.

When people come to high words they are pretty certain to use low language. Why are clergyman like breaksmen ?—? — Because they do a good deal of coupling. A goose has many quills, but an author can make a goose of himself with only one quill. The most warlike nation of modern times is vaccination, because it is always in arms. What is the difference between a cloud and a beaten child ? — One pours with rain and the other roars with pain. To drive rats out of a house, let the basement floor to an amateur trombone playar. What are the most unsociable things in the world ? — Milestones — you never see two of them together. '' Pa, what is a green grocer ?" " One who trusts, my boy. Remember it." Life may be merry as •well as useful. Every person that owns a mouth has always a good opening for a laugh. f^, " Ah, parson, if I could only take my Hfbld with me," sighed a dying deacon to his 'pastor. "If you could it might melt," was the consoling reply. Mike, speaking of a celebrated magician, said :— " He has led a very abandoned life." "O, yes, rt replied Scaley, "the whole tenor of his life has been base." Last -winter it is said a cow floated down the Mississippi on a piece of ice, and caught such a cold that she has yielded nothing but ice-cream ever since. "What's the matter there, Cora? dont your shoes fit?" "No, papa, they don't fit me at all," said she. And then enumerated all the faults of the shoes in set terms, and reached the climax thus : — " Why, they don't even squeak when I walk out." A clergyman and- one of his elderly parishioners were walking home from church one very frosty day, when the old gentleman slipped and fell flat on his back. The minister, looking at him for a moment and being assnred that he was not much hurt, said to him, "Friend, sinners stand on slippery places." The old gentleman looked up, as if to assure himself of the fact, and said, " I see they do, but I can't." A father was telling his son, Bot yet seven years of age, the fable of Pandoro's box. He said that all the evils which afflicted mankind were shut up in that box, which the curiosity of Pandora tempted her to open, when all flew out over the earth. " That cannot be," said the lad, " since curiosity tempted Pandora to open the box, which being one of the greatest evils of itself, could not have been in it." A chemical lecturer while expatiating on - discoveries in chemical science, remarked fhat '. snow had been found to possess a considerable degree of heat. An Irishman present - replied that truly ' ' chemistry was a valuable science," and, anxious that the discovery might be made profitable, he inquired of the lecturer, " what number of snowballs would ' be sufficient to boil a tea-kettle ?" Miss Phoebe Cozzens, one of the shrewdest and prettiest of the woman suffrage advocates, undertakes to demonstrate that man's sphere, biblically laid down, is to do housework, and especially to " wash the dishes," by this scriptural allusion (see Kings, 21c , 13 v.) — " I will wipe Jerusalem as a man ■wipeth a dish j wiping it and turning it upside down." A Vermont woman, who was lately accused of eloping, writes thusly to one of the papers : — "The people of Wells River are in a pretty small business if it has got so one can't go and Bee their mother without they have eloped with some fellow The greatest trouble with them is they are all m^d because they can't get some one to elope with."