FACETIA.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 274, 1 May 1873, Page 7

FACETIA.

A Western Settler — The sun at evening Query.— ls the letter S a female? The author S is. . Governess to Pupil : "Where does tea come from?" Naughty little boy: "Out of the teapot." "I'll take the (responsibility," as adopting father said when he hel(Pbut his arms for the baby. The most dreaded sharp-shooters — Aching teeth. "Figures can't lie." Can't they? Does a fashionable woman's figure tell the truth ? Sombody advertises for " a good girl to cook." We have seen some that almost looked good enough to eat raw. Com,' Com,'! — A young Scot of our acquaintance has a "bee in his bonnet," he attributes it — we cannot say with what truth — to his mother's habit of parting Ms hair with a honeycomb. A teacher said to a little girl at school, "If a naughty girl should hurt you, like a good girl you would forgive her, wouldn't you?" "Yes, ma'am," she replied, l 'H I couldn't catch her!" A school girl in one of the rural districts of Fittsfield was overheard trying to covince a school-fellow that she liked him better than she did some other urchin of whom he seemed jealou3. "Of couTseJ like you belter than I do Bill," &s*-«£§; " for dont I miss words in my spelling lesson on purpose, sp as to be down t^the foot of the class where you are?" ** New Housekeeper's Guide. —A person who proposes to publish a new housekeeper's guide sends*the following extracts from the forthcoming w.ork: — l^ain sauce — an interview- with a~ railway clerk. To make a good jam — ask any horse-car conductor. To boil tongue — Drink scalding coffee. To make a good broil — Leave a letter from one of your sweethearts where your wife can find it. A lfldy amuses herself in a curious way with the polite hypocrisy of society. She has an orange plant in her parlour which bears neither bud nor blossom, but she has had two full-blown flowers and a half vopened bud of wax placed upon the barren stalk. Her callers all admire the sweet purfume of the lovely flowers, and the gentlemen have noticed that the bud has expanded considerably since they called before. The comfort of a contemporary editor is destroyed by a boy with^a horn, and he advertises thus, " Any parties owning a firstclass streak of lightning, the chain variety preferred, and wishing for a subject on which to experiment, are cordially invited to try their skill on a boy, ostat, eleven, who haunts a stairway opposite the " Review" office, and exhales his fleeting and onion-perfumed breath through a tin horn." A humorous young fellow was driving a horse which was in the habit of stopping at every house on the roadside. Passing a country tavern where there were collected together some dozen countrymen, the animal, as usual, ran opposite the door and then stopped in spite of the young man, who applied the whipwith all his might to drive the horse on. The men in the porch commenced a hearty laugh, and some inquired whether he would sell that horse. " Yes," said the young man, "but I cannot recommend him, for he once belonged to a butcher, and stops whenever* he hears any calves bleat." The crowd retired to the bar iv silence. A distinguished physician in Vans could not show his face out of doors without being every minute accosted by some one — " Ah, doctor, how glad lam to see you. All this morning I have felt — ."What do you suppose it can be?" To suchxan "extent was the poor doctor plagued tbat*he determined at all hazards to rid himself of the torment, A f«w days since, in a very public place, he heard as susual — "Ah, doctor, how glajrt," aid so forth. " Good gracious," he replied, ' this is a serious business. I mast see your tingue;put it out, please." And there, in the open street, the man obeyed. ' The doctor studied it for a short time. "Very flood," said at length, " now shut your eyes," Again the patient obeyed, whereupon the' ooetor went on his way, leaving .his tormentor standing in this ridiculous position in the nidst of an amused crowd. i People you object to. meet. — Mr. Whiner, who never sees you without saying how very fat you've grown, or how very pale you look. — Mr. Humdrum, who when in society, confines his conversation to the changes of i the weather and the rising price of coals. — Mr. Quaver, who raves about Abe music of the future, and never says a word of sense about the music of the present.— Captain Blusterham, who bellows out your name when he meets you in the streef-, and shakes yon by the hancte|£^bie nearly wrings your fingers off.— Mr^^S^ezer, who fancies that he ia an invalid, and explains to you the symptoms of his latest ailment Mr. Harduppe, who, upon the strength of old school fellowship, will never miss a chance of borrowing half a tor. of you.— Mr. Borer, who even noW%scnsses the .merits of the Tich-i borne case.— Messrs Sawbone and Pilgarlic, who, when they happen to meet at dinner, invariably talk shop together, and take away your appetite — Mr. and Mrs Cadger, who, if yos invite them for- a day or two, always come provided with luggage for a fortnight.