FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume VI, Issue 268, 20 March 1873, Page 7

FACETIAE.

An American paper says washerwomen are getting up a ■wring. ]So man has a right to do as he pleases, except when he pleases to do right. " A newly-made husband says :—"lt: — "It isn't half so hard to get married as it is to get the furniture. Many others have found out the same thing. An Illinois county fair lately offered a premium for the oldest girl that visited the exhibition ; it is scarcely necessary to add there wasn't a single entry for that prize. Fredericks ville, Ind., is the birth place of a "Society of Permanent Friends," the members of which are sworn not to borrow money from each other. But whether the obligation prohibits them from victimising others than members, the paper from which we glean the item fails to inform us There is a man in Portland, Maine, who supports his family in handsome style by simply ijßj^sn able-bodied cat by the tail to a cloths-line every night, and then going out in the morning to collect the soap, shaving cups, brushes, &c, thiown out into the yard by angry boarders in adjoining houses. In a down-east journal we read that the famous Jtfinth went to Boston the other day ; that the "men looked well and hearty, and bore a soldier-like bearing ; and that the steeds on which they rode were in excellent condition, playing as they went (hrough, -'See, the Conquering Hero comes !'" What circus will secure these marvellous musical steeds ? "Peter, what are you doing to that boy ?" "Nothing, master. He wants to know if you take nine from seventeen how many ■would remain ; so I took nine of his apples to show him, and he wants me to give 'm back.'' "Well, why don't you do it?" "Coz, Bir, he would forget hfiw many is left." J Kecently a doctor, on calling upon a genleman who had been some time ailing, instead of drinking a glass of water, accidentally took a draught from a tumbler containing the medicine which he had prepared for the sick man. He was not made sensible of his error till he found himself getting ill, and his patient getting better. A Highlander, under the influence of whiskey, once, on a very hot day, went to be married by the Rev. Mr. Grant, of Abernethy. 'ihe service having commenced, the bridegroom was asked, " .Are you willing to take this woman to be your wife ?" " Yes," he replied, wiping large drops of perspiration from his face, " yes, if I got a drink !" The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, uncut .was brought to the table, " Where shall I cut it?" asked Daniel. " Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess." answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his house, 'as he would cut it at home. "Willie," said a doting parent at breakfpst table to an abridged edition of himself, who had just entered the grammar class of the high school, '* Willie, lny dear will you pass the butter ?" " Thirtainly, sir ; I liketh toparth anythmg. Butter is a common thubthantive, neuter gender, agreetb with hot rollth, and in London is governed by hog'thlard understood." A belated Irishman, who was met the other night in the Strajid after the publics ■were closed tinder the New Licensing Act, was heard to exclaim — " They tell me that Oirelaud is priest-ridden, but I maintain that this.wretched country is police -ridden. For a thousand years you have been fighting for liberty, and now you can't get as much as a glags. of beer after twelve o'clock,"