FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 180, 20 July 1871, Page 7

FACETIAE.

" You be darned !" as the Yaukee said to the hole in Ms stocking. An anti-kissing society has been formed by the Galena, 111., girh. "No kissing before marriage " is their motto. An unmarried friend declared to us the "otker day, with an expression of counten^ice most lugubrious. " 1 never cared a farthing about getting married: until J attended an old batchelor's funeral. "He broke the ice felicitously, and was immediately drowned with applause," is what a critic says of the young orator * l who suddenly burst upon the village in which he was born," the other night. A young lady at a recent party in New York, on being asked to favour "the company with " The Maiden's Prayer," ■went to the piano and struck up " Mother, may I go out to Swim i" in a very animated manner. Of a truth, a home without a girl is only half-best ; it is an orchard without blossoms, and a spring without song. A house full of sons is like Lebanon with its cedars ; but daughters by the fireside are like roses in Sharon. A Boston teacher asked a new boy who made the glorious universe, but the boy couldn't tell; so the teacher got a rawhide and told the boy if he didn't tell he would whip him. The boy looked at the whip and snivelled out, " Please sir, I did, but I won't do it again !" Lately at a dinner table in Massachusetts a gentleman remarked that A ,who used to be given to sharp practice, was getting more circumspect. " Yes," replied Judge Hoar, " lie is trying to reach the superlative of life. lie began by seeking to. gee on, then he sought to get honest." Very much indebted custdftier' enters provision store, remarking, " I'll take a leg of mutton, and want to pay for it." " All right," replies the dealer, handing forth the meat, which customer takes and starts to go. "Look Here," cried the dealer,- thought you said you wanted to pay^for it." '•' So I do," was the reply, " butj-can^:"' '" ' Self-made man, examining a. school, of ■which he jg a manager*: " Now, what's the capital of OTand." " tfut'e boy : "An H, A good. whist player replied to a bore who wanted advice gratis, " A good deal depends on good playing, and good playing depends on a good deal." An Irishman, who was found guilty of stealing a lot of coffee, was asked by the magistrate what he did with it. il Made tay wid it," was the reply. Le Follet. — The girl of the period is acensed of being too practical. And yet a glance at her chignon proves how foud she is of building castles in the htdr. Mr. Lorenzo Day, of Chickasaw county, having married Miss Martha Week, a local poet comments — A. Day is made, a Week i* lost, But Ktue should ttot *somjila.iu - There'll soon be little Days enough To tntjike the week again. A Paksont read as follows :—": — " Moses an was austere man, and made atonement for the sins of his people." The clerk, misunderstanding him, spoke thus : — " Mosfis was an oysterman, aud made ointment for the aluus of his people." A petrified whale was recently found in Brooklyn by a party of labourers who were digging a sewer. On examination the ll whale " proved to be a huge boulder, but " very like a whale." A Mrs. Hugg, of Chicago, lately applied fora divorce .from Mr. Hugg, because the latter did not confine his hugging to members of .his own family, but went about hugging promiscuously.