F A C E T I Æ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 179, 13 July 1871, Page 7

F A C E T I Æ.

Sombody in New York accusing Mrs Staunton of blundering in her grammar, that indomitable woman replied thus : — "That is nothing; we women have no hand in making these grammars. Ten to one they are all wrong."

" I was not aware that you knew him," said Tom Smith to an. lrish friend the other day. " Knew him !" exclaimed he, in a tone that comprehended the knowledge of more than one lifetime, " I knew him when his father was a boy !" "Do you observe what a fine head my boy has?" said an admiring father to a circle of friends. " Come here, my son You're a cliip of the old block, aren't you?" " Yes, pa; the teacher told me yesterday that I was a regular blockhead !"

Lectures are proposed as substitutes for capital punishment by a Cincinnati paper. Wouldn't a subscription to the aforesaid paper accomplish the same object at less expense ? We merely make the suggestion and charge nothing for it.

The Duchess of Queensberry was the proudest woman of her day. When the duke's estate at Amesbury was sold to a banker, who afterwards sent her an invitation, she refused, telling him that " he had powdered his wig with the dust of her ancestors."

A man who lives at Bristol, near the Virginia border^ when at home lately, " kicked one of his friends across the state line into Tennessee," for which he was "arrested and fined in Goodson, Term., and on his return home was- arrested and fined in Bristol."

The "Utica Observer" says that the Olearfield Fair consisted of a calf, a goose, and a pnmpkin. The " Observer" adds that it rained so hard the first night that the goose swam off, the calf broke loose and ate the pumpkin, and a thief prowling around stole the calf, and that ended the fair.

Mrs J. C. Headley, sheriff in Montana, fulfills the duties of the office to the full satisfaction of her constituents, and at the same time take proper care of a family of five children. She is ready to hang all the rogues in her bailiwick, and do all the other work appertaining to that position, except turning poor women with drunken husbands out in the cold for the non-pay-ment of rent.

The " Richmond Tnquirer " says with much unction: — " We have seen so many things in Virginia within the past four years that indignation is almost dead as a sentiment, and the feeling of suprise is esteemed a more waste of emotion. If a man with a strong nasal twang should meet us in the streets and ask as to exchange hats, we should involuntarily do it — and we suppose that Northern tourists will soon offer us the stumps of cigars."

An Irshman having accidentally broken a pane of glass in a window of a house, was making the best of his way to get out of sight, but, unfortuntely for Pat, the proprietor stole a march on him, and having seized him by the collar, exclaimed, " You broke my window, fellow ! did you not ?" "To be sure I did," said Pat, "and didn't you see me running home for money to for pay it 1"

Two gentleman were standing at a corner in Stonington, when one of them remarked to other, " How plain one can hear the ringing of the church bells in Daleford; did you notice it >" " Yes; I have noticed of late that the bells could be heard more distinctly since the opening of the new road. It has shortened the distance between the two places. " ' ' That's so; I did not think it before."

In the new edition of Charles Lamb's writings is a- funny anecdote of Wordsworth. The person with whom the Lamb 3 boarded at Enfield charged one shilling extra when they had a friend to dinner; but when Wordsworth was the guest he charged one-and-sixpence. Lamb remonstrated, saying, " He's a great -poet." "Don't know about the great poet," replied the practical landlord, "but he eats a great lot."

Gordon Gumming, the great lion slayer was telliug Rogers one day how he came o nee unarmed upon a huge lion. * ' Thinking to frighten him," said the hunter, "I ran towards him with au< my might." " Whereupon," said Rogers, "he ran away with all his mane, I suppose," " Exactly bo," said Cumming.