FACETIÆ,

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 174, 8 June 1871, Page 7

FACETIÆ,

What burns to keep a secret I—Sealingwax.1 — Sealingwax. Cab-drivers look upon rainy days as excellent fare weather. " What ails your eye, Joe ?" "I told a, man he lied," was the reply. " Two heads are better than one," as the gentleman remarked to the celery. " Sir, 1 return you a puff for a blow," said a stout old gentleman when lie was hit " in the wind." Twenty-seven corns on one foot is the extraordinary crop of which a Richmond gentleman boasts. An illiterate man is derided for that which in the man of education wins applause — making his mark. The Pope, on being asked what part of Rome his Holiness intended keeping? replied, " Vat-1-can." A gentleman who has recently lost an eye begs to intimate that he has now a " vacancy for a pupil." " A prudent man," says a witty Frenchman, "is like a pin. His head prevents him from going too far." Poetry is the flower of thought ; irony, the thorn ; sarcasm, the nettle ; wit, the honey ; and punning the small beef. Several thousand spinsters, after long years of watchful observation, entirely dissent from the proverb, " Man proposes." " Well, if a haitch hand a ho hand a liar hand a hess hand a hee don't spell 'orae, then ray name hain't 'Enry '111." " Sam, how many lo»s have you sawed, eh V " Why, ma'am, when I've gut this and tlirce others done, I'll have sawed four." A singer at a Dublin theatre was told from the gallery to "come out from behind liis nose and sing his song like othdr people." " Thomson, breakfast is comiug»on." " Let it come," exclaimed Thomson, with a look of defiance ; " I am not afraid of it." "There is a time for all things, my son." '• When is the proper time then, mother, for hooking sugar out of the sugar bowl ?" They talk a good deal about the 28 inch beet they have grown in California, but a policeman in this city lias a beat three miles long. The man who married three sisters in succession excused himself for doing so on the ground that he got off with only one mother-in-law. A retired schoolmaster excuses his passion for angling by saying that, from constant habit, he never feels quite himself unless he's handling the rod. The water of that famous mineral spring in Fairmount Park, the " Boston Post " says, tastes " like damaged porkpickle, drank out of an old boot." " JSteam," said Dr. Lardner, "is the great annihilator — it annihilates time and _space." " Yes," said a bystander, li and multitudes of passengers too." One of our contemporaries lias the following advertisement : — " Lost, a large black silk umbrella, belonging to a gentleman with a curiously-carved ivory head." An old soaker replied to a temperance lecturer by the following poser :—"lf: — "If water rots the soles of your boots, what effect must it have on the coat of your stomach 1" " Boy, why did you take an armful of my shingles on Sunday?" "Why, sir, mother wanted some kindling wood, and I didn't want to'split wood on a Sunday." The Oomanche Indians, after numerous unsuccessful experiments, have given up I trying to scalp any of the coloured troops j on the frontier. It's impossible to get a good hold. A female lecturer says :—": — " Get married, young men, and be quick about it. Don't wait for the millennium, for the girls to become angels. You'd look well beside an angel, would'nt you, you blockheads?" An honest lady in the country, when told of her husband's death, exclaimed, " Well, I do declare, our troubles never come alone ! It ain't a week since I lost . my best hen, and now Mr. Hooper has •gone too, poor man !" A fellow was asked if lie had not been in that -court before, and what for ? (He had been np, for body-snatching.) "It was for nothing at all," said the humorist, " honely rescuing a fellow-cretur f roni the grave." A friend of ours, who has had some experience, says that if you go to call on a young lady, and she crochets diligently all the evening, and only says " Yes " and "No," you can go away about nine or a quarter-past without breaking any of the rules of etiquette.