FACETIAE.

Tuapeka Times, Volume III, Issue 147, 1 December 1870, Page 7

FACETIAE.

Wanted— a life-boat that will float on a " sea of troubles."

We pity the family that sits down to a broil three times a day.

The froth of the head generally becomes venom "when it reaches the heart .

Poverty humbles pride. A man, when he is short, can hardly carry a high head.

If motives were always visible, men would often blush for the most brilliant actions.

They say that fortune is blind, and she certainly, as a rule, makes her favourities so.

It is estimated that there are printed in the United States and territories 542 daily and 4425 weekly newspapers.

" But why, Pat, did you enlist into the 34th Regiment?" " Och, sure, to be near my brother who's in the 33rd."

" Give me a fulcrum, and T will move the world," said Archimedes. " Give me ground to support a Lever, and I'll upset the Government," said Disraeli. — "Punch."

" My brethren," said a preacher, descanting on the difficulties of the sinner, " it is a very easy task to row a skiff over Niagara Falls, but a tremendous job to row back again."

A geuileman met another in the street who "was ill of consumption, and accosted him thus: — "Ah, my friend, you walk exceedingly slow." " Yes," replied the sick man, "but 1 am going very fast."

" Go to grass !" said a mother to her daughter. " Well, then, I s'pose Pll have to marry," ejaculated the fair damsel. " Why so ?" inquired the astonished mother. " Because all men are grass." The old lady survived.

" I should mightily like to drive out," said a dandy to a man, on seeing an elegant carriage standing in the street. " Should you V the man retorted. " Well, get into that carnage, and I'll engage they will quickly drive you out." A Jfrench marquis was riding out recently, when he met an old priest trotting along contentedly on a quiet donkey, "lla! ha!" exclaimed the marquis, " how goes the ass, yood father ?" "On horseback, my son — on horseback."

A ship is not so long a-rigging aa a young girl is in trimming herself against the arrival of a sweetheart. No painter's shop, no flowery meadow, no graceful aspec in the storehouse of nature, ia comparable to a youry damsel who is dressing for a husband.

" An unloved wii>'," who ought to know of that of which she speaks, because she lia3 had so much experience, says that the reason that ladies look bo much, to money in the matter of marriage, is that nowadays they so seldom find anything else in a man worth having. A peach tree growing in Mississippi on *the sp'-t where General Tilgaman fell, bears blood red fruit and leaves, and all grafts taken from it retain the same peculiarity. So the newspapers say, but wedon't believe in any such "bloody" yarn, — "New York Clipper," ,