FACETIÆ.

Tuapeka Times, Volume I, Issue 37, 24 October 1868, Page 6

FACETIÆ.

A Dentist's Compliment." — The followin^ compliment, was paid by a dontiab to a lsuly. lie. had mado several ineffectual jittowpts io draw out her decayed tooth, , and finding at last he must give it up, ho apologised "by saying : "The fact ia, # madrtiiK^ it is impossible for anything" bad to como from your mouth."—" Cosmopolitan." A 2?ow York policQ-onicer, seeing a nigger whom ha knew, exclaimed, " Ah, Sambo, yo\i are an honest, faithful fellow. I will givo you a drink." "Widall my hoavb, sar," s.iid Sambo ; " wid all dis child's heart. Seme niggers aro haughty nnd prond, and von't stoop to drink wid a polieo-o&oei* ; but dats wrong. I tink a pr>lieo-oilJcer most, if not ebery way, as good as a nigger — 'pocially when that nigger's dry." Calfy. — A young fellow at tho cattle show was making himself ridiculously conspicuous by an evident intention of finding fault with everything. At last he burst forth, " C;\ll these hero prize cattle '? Why, they ain't nothing to what, our old folks raised. My father raised the biggest calf of any man round our parts." "I don't doubt it," was the timely remark of a bystander, " and the noisiest." The forward youth, as may bo well imagined, incontinently subsided. Ocr Fair Flesh and Blood. — We are indebted to the " Pall Mall Gazette" for making us aware that one of the speakeresses at the Jfanchastov Suffrage Meeting spoke of being " heavily weighted by nature.'' Do Indies who ara a trifle too embonpoint (that, we believe is the correct word in iiction) expect that the franchise — when they g^t it-4mnongst other lnsrvpllous charms, will make them thin ? . If so, ihoro will bo an cud to the stout resistance which they soem disposed to maka to the ninny grievances of wluch they are the pitiable victims. A Yankee riding on a railroad was dis-. posed to astonish the other passengers Trith tough stories. At lust he mentioned that one of his neighbors owned . an immense dairy, and made a million pounds of butter and a million pounds of cheeso yearly. Yankee perceiving " that his veraciry was in danger of being questioned, appeattxl to a friend, "True, isn't it, Mr. * ? I speak of Deacon Brown." — " Y-e-s," replied tho friend, " that is, I know Deacon Brown, though " I don't know as I ever, heard precisely how many pounds of butter and cheese he makes a year ; but I know he has twelve saw mills that all go by butternii]k." A Maiden's _ Soliloquy. — Poetry in Prose. — Tis wondrous strange how great the change sines I was in my teens ; then I had a beau, and a billet-doux,- and joined the gayest scenes. But lovers not? have ce.xsed to vow ; no way they noMr conirmj — to poison, hang, or a*rqwn themselves — because I'm thirty-five. ,0150?, if ths night, was e'er so bright, I "no'er abroad could roam, without — " the jhli=sS, tha .honour, miss, of seeing you safe home/ But now I go, through rain or snow — fatigued and scarce alive — through all ths dark, without a spark— bacausj I'm thirfcy-five. The following dialogue is stated to - aave iaketL place between a visiting magistrate -at one of the city gaols and a juvenile offender serving out his three months : — Ho"w old are you ? — Please, sir, l ? m thirteen. Hoi? often have you been in gaol ? — Please, sir, eight times. Have yon ever been in Heading gaol ?—? — Pleased sre, ougs. Have you ever been in Westminster gaol? — Please, sir, once. Row often have you been hsre? — Please, - sir, sis times. Why do yon come here bo oftea ? — Please^ sir,' beccs- at Westminster the turnkeys knock yer about -frith, their keys. Hot do you contrive to get sent here? — Please, sir, I allus prigs in Eolbora now. A Smoking Rector. — Ur. Parr, an ec- ■ csairic, liberal, but not very bad churohm^a—iis times duly taken into conside- . rvßon — xas "very proud of his peal of . " "bells, and his choir,- and always encouraged tassa. to sing a long hymn" or anthem before sermon, during which he nsad to.steal into the vestry and get his pipe. Wlien they had dene, the Jclerk informed him ; and if the. doctor had not finished, lie would say, " John tell them i to s^g the last two TGTS23 over again ; j my people love singing, and I lore sinokWS-" . "I Tee Spizit and the Fles!i. — The following story was told by Dr. William Ami*", as a soiree in Sir H. ~W ■ Mon- c «deffs chorea in Edinburgh, not long ago :— " Dr. Macleod and. and J>r. Wateoa were In tha West Highlands fogsthsr, on atotic, ere leaving for India. Wnile* crossing jl ioch in a boat, in company with a ntjsiber of passengera, a scans canift on. One of the pas3cnger3 ms heard to say, c The twa ministers fhotUd begin to' pray, or ??eII &' be drooaad J ' "£&, es,' s«dd the boatman, * the Hiile sss ess. pray if he likes, but $g& tag a?* to*ra iak* an ear,"*