FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Volume XLIV, Issue 301, 19 December 1931, Page 26 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

“A man to see you, ma’am.” Ask him to take a chair.” “But he says he came for all of them.” "Ycr, dear, that maid you had is with me. But you needn’t look so worried. I don’t believe half her gossip about you.** Fortune Teller: There’s a dark woman following your husband. Client: She’ll soon get tired of that —he’s a postman. Wife: There are two ways of looking at every question. Husband: Yes, I know. Yours and the wrong one. Judge: But, madam, how could you marry a man you knew to he a burglar? Witness: Oh, he is so quiet about the house. Brown:: You ought to brace up and 6how your wife who’s running things at your house. Potts (sadly); There’s no need. She knows. “My dear, it was frightfully interesting at that dinner last night. I was talking to a Pole most of the time.” “Oh. John! And you promised you wouldn’t have more than one drink.” The lady had been shown over the ship. She said to the sailor who had conducted her: “I suppose tips are forbidden.” “Lor* bless you, mum,” said the sailor, “so was the apples in the Garden of Eden.” Rustic: Us’ll get married come Toosday fortnight, then, lass —if ’tis wet! Girl: What do ’ee mean, Joe —if ’tis wet? Whoy, Oi’ll be goin’ ’ay-makiu’ if it be foine, o’ course! A clergyman was conducting a children’s service on the sands. “Now can any little boy or girl tell me,” lie asked, “what kind of children go to Heaven?” “Yes, 6ir,” said one little boy, “the dead EARLY SOWING. “Too much time is wasted in the garden, and too much unnecessary work is done. Try and Americanise your methods and introduce hustle in your allotment. Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do to-day.” As the gardening talk by Mrs. Weeds came to an end, Jones switched off the wireless and thought hard. Yes, she was right. Too much time was wasted in the garden and a lot of unnecessary work was done on the allotment. He would take her advice and get a hustle on. So, with determination in his mind, Jones got up and went out into his garden. Entering a shed where he was keeping some of his best peas for next year’s seed, lie collected these and threw them over the fence to his neighbour’s fowls. Jones had already started to save *>une and work! DON’T KNOCK, BOOST. “I’ve never seen girls so utterly lacking in modesty as they are here, have you, John.” “No. And the air’s good, too.” A BLACK OUTLOOK. Dancer: You have gorgeous black Girl: So will you soon; here comes my sweetheart and he is a boxer. COSMETIC CONNOISSEUR. “So you think Jack’s a flirt.” “A flirt! Why, he can tell the iwner of any lipstick in the tennis club >y simply tasting it!” MINGLING THEIR SIGHS. Bachelor (dreamily): Sometimes I yearn for the peace and comfort of married life. Married Friend: Well, you have uothiug on me. GATES AJAR. Autobituaries Gone from this life Is Rush Along Bill, He would pass other Cars on a hill. NO FACE LIFTER. “Ah, my dear,” said her homely relative, “you will find that Time is a great healer.” “True, auntie,” the girl replied, “hut he’s certainly a mighty poor beauty doctor.”

"I’m sorry you think I’m conceited." “Well, no, I wouldn’t say that; but I think you suffer a little from *l* strain.'* Teacher: What skins are most used for shoes? Tommy: Dunno, sir, but banana skins always make good slippers. Wife: You were talking in your sleep last night, dear. Husband (henpecked) t Well, I’ve got to talk sometimes, haven’t 1? Miss Everybody: I want some eggs, but I must be sure there are no chickens in them. Grocer: How about a dozen duck eggs? Small Boy: Dad, how do they cateb lunatics? Father: With face powder, beautiful dresses, and pretty smiles, my son. First American Tourist: How did your new car behave on your English tour? Second ditto: Fine! We averaged five antique shops to the gallon. Host (about to pour out a drink) : Is ver stuttering any better nooadays, Mac? Mac: N-nae, m-m-inon. Host: Ah, well, ah’ll no tro #le ye to say “when” —ah’ll just guess it. AS FAR AS HE READ. Two old mates, having finished their evening meal, were enjoying a smoke and a yarn when the conversation turned to cooking. “Have you ever learned any wrinkles on cooking from them there cookery hooks?” asked Ihe first old-timer. “Never,” replied his mate. “They’re all the same. Alius start* off with, ‘First take a clean dish,’ and of course that’s as far as I read.” ESCAPED HIS DESERTS. “You say you served in France?” asked the restaurant proprietor, as ho sampled the new cook’s first soup. “Yes, sir; officer’s cook for two years and wounded twice.” “You’re a lucky man. It’s a wonder they didn’t kill you.” MISUNDERSTOOD. Beer at 7d a pint and running down the gutter. Such was the case when a large barrel fell from a brewer’s lorry and split open. Briggs stood behind a very stout lady eyeing the running beverage and sighing. “What a shameful waste,” he said. And five minutes later he was wondering why she gave him that black eye. REVENGE. The little girl who hadn’t been invited to the party stamped her feet angrily. “I don't care, mummy,” she sobbed. “I’ll be even with them one day!” “Why, my dear,” asked her mother, “what will you do?” A thoughtful look came over the child’s face. “When I grow up I’ll give a great big party and I won’t invite anyone,” she told her mother. WHEN DAD SPANKS. “This hurts me more than it docs you,” remarked Police Judge Cavin Muse, of Dallas, Texas, when he fined his daughter 10 dollars for speeding and 3 dollars for running past a stop sign,, and then dug down and paid the fines himself. ALL THE SAME IN SPORT. “I disapprove of all brutal prize-fighting, angling —’* “Good heavens! How can you name' those two sports in the same breath?” ‘‘Why not? Isn’t it the object of both’ pugilist and angler to land a hook in the jaw ?’* A DOUBTFUL REMEDY. Spinster (to curate): Do you remem-) ber you said in your sermon last Sun-i day, that constant dripping would wearj Curate: Indeed, I do! Spinster: Well, I’ve had it with every* meal since, and it’s done nothing butput on weight. KNOWS HER INSECTS. Mr. J.: Mv dear, this book is * remarkable work. Nature is marvellous.) Stupendous! When T read a book like( this it makes me think how lowly, howl insignificant is man. Mrs. J.: A woman doesn’t have to wade through four hundred pages to discover that!