BY THE WAY.

Star (Christchurch), Volume XLIV, Issue 300, 18 December 1931, Page 9

BY THE WAY.

Some Collections and Reflections. CBy ONE OF THE BOYS.) It could hardly be said that yesterday’s execution passed off without a hitch. Face value: The amount the film producer pays the star. Mistress (engaging maid): “And whom did you work for last?” Prospective Maid: “You remember that Miss Brown, who died myster- “ Well, I Jier.” In his element: The vacuum-cleaner demonstrator who was had up on the carpet by his chief^ And it was during the young sailor’s first watch in the crow’s nest that this happened: “ A red and green light on the starboard bow, sir.” “What is it?” “ A chemist’s shop, I guess, sir.” Host: “It’s beginning to rain; you’d better stop to dinner.” Motoring visitor: “Oh, thanks very much, but it’s not bad enough for that.” ti a $$ She: “ I guess you played around with all the French girls while you were in Paris.” He: “No, not all of them. I was only there for two weeks.” That examinations are a torture not only to the’boys but also, very often, to the examiners, was a fact which Dr S. F. Hunter emphasised in speaking to the boys of St Andrew’s. But sometimes, he added, a paper was pure unadulterated joy. He then gave them a few new howlers, of which the following are' samples:— The feminine 1 of Drake is Queen Elizabeth. Napoleon escaped from Melba. Henry the Eighth helped Shakespeare to write “ The Merry Wives of Windsor.” Sir Robert Peel was a huntsman who invented the Bobby and they made a song about him. Artificial perspiration is what you make a person alive with when they are only just dead. Among the stories Dr Hunter told the boys was one of the housemaid who had not been long out from Scotland, and who was engaged by letter. When she arrived at the house, the mistress said, “ Why, you didn’t tell me you were Scotch.” And the girl replied: “ Well, I thought it would appear too much like boasting.” :* :*

Essay on Scotland (by an Australian school girl).—Scotland is a braw wee land on the north of England. It has water nearly all round it and whisky over a large portion of it. The population is about four and a half millions, including Ramsay MacDonald. It has a peculiar language of its own, and if one can pronounce it coherently it is an infallible test of sobriety. It possesses considerable mineral wealth, but very little of it finds its way out of the country. Gold has at times been discovered in certain districts as well as in pockets of certain natives. The best known exports are Harry Lauder and Scotch whisky, though sufficient of the latter is retained in the country to satisfy the demands of home consumption.

The national dress of Scotland is the kilt, which is a kind of petticoat. In pattern it resembles a chess board, but in cold weather the wearer finds it more like a draught board. It is believed to have been invented because the aboriginals were unable to find trousers big enough to get their feet through. The bagpipes provide a wind instrument which is said, when blown, to produce a tune. On many occasions in the history of wars, Scotch regiments have marched to death listening to the strains of the bagpipe, though it is not known whether their willingness to meet the former was inspired by the desire to escape the latter. •