FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 19268, 3 January 1931, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

“ Why have you come to prison?” “ Competition brought me here.” “ Competition?” ‘‘Yes; I made the same sort of bank notes as the Government/* It was their gqfcien wedding, and naturally the family was present; even the minister, who was the specially invited guest and spokesman. “Well, Pat and Bridget,” he said, “ I trust, even at your eighty years, you are still sweethearts?” “Yes, sorr,” responded Pat heartily. “ I still call her my 4 sweet,’ and begorra she stills calls me ‘ an old humbug.’ ” Barrister: “How far were you from the spot when the cars collided?” Witness : “ Eighteen feet and three inches.” Barrister: “ How do you know it was exactly that distance?” Witness: “Because I measured it, thinking some fool might ask me about the distance.” Dr Griffin: “I must say that the world is very ungrateful towards our profession. How seldom one sees a public memorial erected to a doctor! ” Mrs Golightly: “How seldom? Oh, doctor, think of our cemeteries!” “You’ve got the best case I ever heard,” said the lawyer to his client. “You can’t help winning. I shall be pleased to assist you in the matter.” “Thanks,” said the prospective client. Then, grabbing his hat, he made for the door. “Where are you going?” exclaimed the astonished lawyer. “I’m going to settle this case out of court.” “But why waste money?” urged the lawyer. “I’ve told you that’s one of the best cases I ever heard.” “Maybe it is,” said the client, “but not for me. I told you the other fellow’s story.” “You look fit. What’s the trouble?” “That’s what I want you to find out, doctor. I don’t know whether it’s my eyes or something more serious. I spent two Saturdays in digging my allotment, and when I’d done I discovered I’d been digging the one next to mine.” Mrs Newrich was riding in her expensive limousine down a steep hill when suddenly the chauffeur became alarmed. “ Madam,” he explained, “he brakes refuse to act.” “ Then stop the .car immediately,” said Mrs Newrich. “ I’ll get out and walk.”

“ Still, in spite of what you say, I think marriage is a pretty good institution." “ Yes, but who wants to live in an institution?” “ Seeing is believing.” “ Oh, I don’t know.” “ Well, it most certainly is.” “ I see you, but—l don’t believe you.” A wealthy Scot died. There was much quarrelling about the property by the sons. A friend condoled with one on the bereavement. “ Well,” said he, “ our father’s death might have been a real pleasure to us; instead of that it is only a misery.” Doris: “I think it’s disgraceful the way you treat Jack. Perhaps you’d be satisfied if he were to die and leave you.” Dora: “ How much ? ” Shopkeeper: “Is there anything else that I can send you, ma’am What would you say to a piece of nice cheese ? ” Customer: “ I wouldn’t dare to say anything to it. It might answer me back! ” Policeman (to motorist who refused to stop): “Didn’t I tell you to stop? ” Motorist: “Yes, but my wife told me not to stop until I got home.” Mrs Faddlety: “ What a rude woman Mrs Hiflier is. She always looks back at people who pass her.” Air Faddlety: 44 How do you know? ” “ Why, I’ve caught her at it several times mj^self.” “ I saw Jerry to-day.” “ What did he say? ” “Nothing; his wife was with him.” *

A young woman whose beauty is equal to her bluntness in conversation was visiting a hotel, where other guests were assembled, among them the eldest son of a wealthy manufacturer. The talk turned on matrimonial squabbles. Said the young 1 man: “I hold that the thing for the husband to do is to begin as he intends to go on. Suppose the question was one of smoking. I would at once show my intentions by lighting a cigar, thus settling the question for ever.” “And I,” said the young woman, “would at once knock the thing out of your mouth! ” “Do you know,” rejoined the young man, thoughtfully, “I don’t think you would be there.” The prisoner was on trial on a charge of burglary. He protested his innocence and pleaded an alibi. “But do you know what an alibi is?” asked the judge. “Yes, my lord,” replied the prisoner. “An alibi is proving that you was in one place when you was in another.” The teacher was interested in the announcement by a little girl pupil that she had a new baby brother. “And what is the baby’s name?” the teacher asked. “Aaron,” w T as the reply. A few days later the teacher inquired concerning Aaron, but the little girl regarded her in perplexity. “Aaron?” she repeated. “Your baby brother,” the teacher prompted. Understanding dawned upon the child’s face. “Oh, Aaron! ” she exclaimed. “That was a mistake. It’s Moses. He’s very well, ma’am, thank you. Pa an* ma, they found we had an Aaron.” Air Ilardhitter’s claim to a seat on the local council rested chiefly on what he called “the gross incompetence and criminal extravagance” of the present body. Individually and collectively Hardhitter ruthlessly exposed their failings, but—Hardhitter didn’t win the seat! Worse, infinitely worse, one of his oldest friends voted for the other side at the last moment. “How was it, John?” asked the disappointed candidate, more in sorrow than in anger. “Why. did you vote against me?” “Because,” responded John, “I thinks a deal too much aboot ye to send ye amang sich a dishonest set o’ rascals as ye’ve proved them other fellers to be.”

* Counsel: “You say this man is a very close friend of yours? ” Witness: “Yes.” “H'm! May I ask how long you have enjoyed his acquaintance? ” “ Oh, a fortnight or so.” “ A fortnight? Then, sir, how can he be a .close friend?” “He comes from Aberdeen.” Dad: “My dear boy, you can’t marry a woman who’s old enough to be your mother.” Son: “My dear dad, I can and I will.” Dad: “ Pardon me, you won’t. She's promised to become your stepmother next month.” She: “ Mrs Simms has just got another new hat, and I ” He: “My dear, Mrs Simms has to have new hats. If she were as pretty and attractive as you she wouldn’t have to depend on the milliner so much.” Diner: “Is it customary to tip the waiter in this restaurant? ” Waiter: “It is, sir.” “ Then hand me a tip. I’ve waited three-quarters of an hour for the steak I ordered.” Bachelor: “There’s a delicious sense of luxury when one is lying on one’s bed and ringing one’s bell for one’s valet.” Spinster: “Have you a valet? ”i “No; but I have a bell.” Suzette: “Heavens! Janie has fallen overboard, and look at all those sharks.” Georgette: “Don’t worry; they’re man-eating sharks.” “ I’m not at all surprised to get my poem back.” “Why?” “Because it was the thirteenth time I sent it out.”