FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 19240, 29 November 1930, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Old Gentleman (to a very rich old lady at a party) : “Who is that handsome young man standing over there?” Old Lady: “That’s my son-in-law. He’s a very brilliant young man—made a large fortune by the law.” Old Gentleman: “Really, how’s that?” Old Lady: “The law made him my daughter’s husband.” “Yes, granny, I’m to be married this Easter.” “But, my dear,” said granma, earnestly, “you are very young. Do you feel that you are fitted for married life?” “I am being fitted now, granny,” explained the prospective bride, sweetly. “Seventeen new gowns.” “My sister’s passion for cats,” remarked the querulous old soul, “is really deplorable. Last time I saw her,” he went on, “she had a craze for the Manx variety, and the house was simply swarming with the creatures!” “Really, Mr Tomkins,” someone chided him, “aren’t you exaggerating just a teeny little bit?” “No, I’m not,” came the fretful denial. “I tell you I couldn’t take a step without falling over a Manx cat. There seemed to be no end to them.” And he wondered why everyone laughed! “For ten years, ten long years,” cried the writer, “I have been writing this drama, changing a word here, and a line there, working on it until my fingers were cramped and aching, my brains and my body weary from the toil.” “Too bad, too bad,” the producer murmured. “All work and —no play.” Miss Wilderton had been giving the class an elementary talk on architecture. “Now,” she asked, “can anyone in the class tell me what a ‘buttress’ is?” Little Bobby arose, his face beaming with a quick flash of intelligence. “I know,” he said, “A buttress is a nanny-goat!”

Browne was in a dilemna. He had arranged to be married, but later found the day to be inconvenient. So he sought out his married friend, Whyte, for advice. “Do you think it bad luck to postpone a wedding?” he asked, anxiously. “Not'at all,” replied Whyte, as he gave him a friendlv pat on the back; “especially if it postponed often enough.” A pedestrian crossed a traffic-filled street while looking up at an aeroplane overhead. Three buses shaved him so closely that his beard didn’t appear again for a week, the wind from six passing cars raised the nap on his last year’s suit, one five-passenger car removed the shine from the back of his left shoe, and the drivers of seven others of assorted makes, while stripping their gears in an effort to avoid him, also stripped their vocabularies of every known high-powered adjective. After stumbling over the kerbstone on the farther side of the road, the pedestrian was heard to murmur: “My gracious, those aviators lead dangerous lives! ” The colonel’s wife sent the following note to Captain Green:—“Colonel and Mrs Brown request the pleasure of Captain Green’s company to dinner on the 20th.” Captain Green’s reply gave her a shock. It read as follows: —“With the exception of four men on leave and two men sick, Captain Green’s company have great pleasure in accepting your invitation.”

A negro was credited with being able to eat and drink at one sitting four loaves of bread, four pounds of cheese, and four quarts of beer. A man who had seen him perform this feat made a wager with a friend that the negro could repeat it. A room was engaged at a local inn, and the viands were spread upon the table. Sambo, in the presence, of his backer and opposer and numerous witnesses, started on his task. All went well until three parts of the food and drink had been consumed, when Sambo, heaving a deep sigh, admitted himself beaten. “Sorry, boss,” he said to his supporter. “I’se full to de eyebrows; I can’t eat no more.” “You faithless wretch!” roared his backer, “you’ve made me lose twenty pounds! ” “Well, boss.” replied Sambo. “I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I was all right at rehearsal this morning.” It is alleged that during a spell of gloomy weather in England one of the Australian cricketers rushed out of the hotel when a flash of sunshine showed, to take, he said, a photograph of the sun. The sarcasm was like that of a digger lying in a London hospital during the war who teased one of the nurses about the English climate. "Ah, but you want to see the summer,” she said. “The English summer is beautiful.” “I was over here last July,” he said. “Ah, then,” she cried, “you must know what an English summer is like.” “Can’t say I do,” he retorted, “I was asleep that day.” It was a deplorable looking specimen of a horse, and the dealer was secretly worried as to whether it would be able to stand up long enough to effect its sale. “ ’Ow much do you want for ’im?” asked the prospective purchaser, without much eagerness. “ Seven pound,” replied the dealer promptly. The customer spat contemptuously on the ground. “ Ho! ” he said. “ An’ ’ow much wivout ’is collar?”

Prison warden: “Do you want to eat anything before the execution?” Condemned man: “Yes, mushrooms! I have always hesitated to taste them for fear of being poisoned.” Gwendoline: “Well. Major, you look as if you’d had sport. In at the kill?” Major: “Not exactly! I was in at the bog and in at the ditch. I can’t expect to be in everywhere.” Mr Bard: “ Yes, Tommy, I shall soon marry your dear sister and take her away.” Tommy: “I don’t mind. Now that I’m going to be in a higher class at school she won’t be much good at doing my home-work, anyway.” “Your father isn’t working any more?” “No, he got sacked from the brewery where he was.” “ What for?” “ Staying late to take stock.” Cannibal Chief: “ Have you anything to say before we eat you?” Victim: “ May I be permitted to say a few words on the advantages of vegetarianShe: “Now that we are engaged, dear, you’ll give me a ring, won’t you?” He: “Yes, certainly, darling. Er—what’s your number?” Nell: “Mamie, you look downhearted.” Mamie: “Yes, I wish I were dead or married. Preferably the lat-