FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 19108, 28 June 1930, Page 19 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

“ How did your article on perpetual motion turn out? ” “ It’s a success. Every time send it out it comes back.” It was baking day. “ Mary,” cried mother, “ see if the cake is done. Stick a knife in it, and if it comes out clean yen’ll know it’s done.” “Yes.” said father, “and if it comes out clean stick all the other knives in, too! ” Taxi-driver: “The fare is two-and-six, please.” Frenchman: “ No that ees too much.” Taxi-driver: “Well, we’ll say half-a-crown.” Frenchman: “That ees better; you can’t cheat me.” A story is told of the Elizabethan Judge, Sir Nicholas Bacon, to whom a condemned criminal appealed for mercy on the ground of his kinship. “ How so? ” asked the Judge. “ Because, my Lord,” said the prisoner, “ your name is Bacon and mine is Hcg, and Bacon and Hog are verv neai akin.” “ Nay,” answered Sir Nicholas. “Hog is not bacon until it has been well hanged.” Husband (at the theatre): “ This play makes me think.” Wife: “ Yes, it’s a most extraordinary play.”

A well-known conductor was sitting in his club humming absently to himself one day. Suddenly he turned to a member who was a stranger to him and asked pleasantly, “ Do you know * The Barber of Seville’?” “No,” replied the other man. “As a matter of fact, I shave myself.” Two Scots, whilst touring in the United States, came across a board in the doorway of a restaurant, which read: “ Chickens, 50 cents; Eggs, 5 cents.” They entered and ordered eggs. After a few minutes one of them turned to his friend and said, “ Say, mon, there’s a chicken in mine.” “That’s great!” replied the other; “ but don’t mak sae much noise, or they’ll be charging ye 50 cents.” Mother: “ Johnny, what are you doing in the pantry? ” Johnny: “Oh, just putting a few things away.” Wife: “Spring is here.” Professor: “Hum; I have no time to-day; tell him to call again to-mor-row” fEi®® SSl®®®®®® SlS®® 11 Sill 11 EE!

Hj®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®l*i®®®l Seasick Passenger (on friend’s yacht): “ I say, what about going back? After you’ve seen one wave you’ve seen them all” Kind Lady: “Why don’t you go to work?” Tramp: “ I would if I had the tools ” Kind Lady: “ What sort of tools do you want?” Tramp: “ A knife and fork.” Teacher: “Can you give me a definition of nothing? ” B03': “ Yes. An air balloon without its cover ” Garage Attendant, with drawling pronunciation (as car drives up): “Juice?” Motorist: “ Veil, vat if ve are? Don’t ve get no petrol? ”

With three minutes to catch a train, the traveller said to the chauffeur: “ Can’t you go faster than thit? ” “ Yes,” was the reply, “ but I have to stay-with my car.” “ Mother has sent this steak back. She says it is so tough she could sole cur boots with it.” “ Why didn’t she ? ” “ The nails wouldn’t go through.” Mistress: “ Mary, I found a large cobweb in the dining-room. How do you accunt for it? ” Maid (brightly) : “ I think, xnum, it must be the spiders.” Dad: “ ’Course you can stay in bed if yer feel tired. We ’ad a bloke die in bed once.” Alarmed New Hand: “What with? ” Dad: “Starvation.” / „ ~ A Scotsman owned a theatre in Aberdeen. and went to London to get ideas for advertising, as trade w*as bad. He came across a notice outside one big theatre to the effect that all persons over 90 years of age would be admitted free. This gave him the idea he was wanting, and he caused a notice to be hung outside his theatre, which read as follows : “ All persons over 90 years of age will be admitted free (if accompanied by their parents).”

A negro employed at Hollywood was drafted to a novel comedy scene with a lion. “ You get into this bed,” ordered the producer, “ and we’ll bring the lion in and put him in bed with you. It’ll be a scream.” “ Put a lion in bed with me? ” yelled the darky. “ No, sah, not a-tall. I quit right here and now.” “ But,” protested the producer. “This lion won’t hurt you. It was brought up on milk.” “ So was I brought up on milk,” wailed the darky, “ but I eats meat now.” Lady: “How much are these chickens?” Poulterer: “ Half a crown, ma’am." Lady: “ Did you raise them yourself ?” Poulterer: “Yes; they were 2s 3d yesterday.” “ D’you know, I went home the other night and I knew there was something I wanted to do, but I couldn’t think what it was.” “ And didn’t you remember it at all?” “ Oh, yes. At midnight I realised that I had wanted to go to bed early.” 3mMEE®®S3 ®®Ml ® ® 113 @® ® M ll3 ®l® ®

]um®®a®®®®® ® ® ® ® ® ® ® ® ® i Angus M’Ardie could not be persuaded to attend the village kirk on any pretext whatever. “ How is it, Angus? ” asked the minister one day. “ How is it ye won’t come tae church? ” Angus made answer that the sermons were far too long to please him. “ Och,” retorted the minister wrathfully, “ you’ll probably end up in a place whaur ye'll hear no sermons, either long or short.” “ Ah, well, maybe you’re richt,” agreed Angus, placidly, “ But it’ll no be for want of meenisters, ye ken 1 ” Husband: “But you forget, my dear, that the pound I earn is only worth a third of the pound your father earned.” Wife: “Well, why don't you earn better pounds?”