FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18900, 26 October 1929, Page 22 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Cook: “Missus ain’t 'arf an optimist. Maid: “ ’Ow’s that?” “Just bin discussin* next week’ tne nu with me! Moneysacks (sternly): “James, after this, please uncork all the bottles in my presence. X notice that when you draw the corks in the pantry the wine is extremely decollete.’* “ Extremely decollete, sir?” “Yes, James — very low in neck.” “ Whatever am I to say about Blank?” the young reporter assigned to write an v obituary notice asked his chief. “ The man owes money all over the place.” “ Oh,” was the reply; “ say that his loss will be deeply felt by all who knew hum” v A little knowledge on the part of a small girl is well illustrated under a picture showing the arrival of a vicar and his wife to pay a call, thus announced by the small daughter of the house: “ Mummie, here come the vicar and the vixen.” 55 55 55 An Englishman on holiday in the Highlands said to an old boatman: “ Donald, this rain is awful. Do you know where I could get a mackintosh for my daughter?” “I do not.” said Donald, “ but there’s a fine young Macdonald up the glen, an’ he’s a bachelor.”

Biggs: “I understand that young Briefly has taken up the law since be married.” Diggs: “Very likely. I understand that his wife lays it down to him.” Two London taxi drivers were glaring at each other. “ Wot’s the matter with you?” demanded one. “ Nothink’s the matter with me.” “ You gave me a narsty look.” “ Well, now you mention it, I see that you certainly 'ave a narsty look, but I didn’t give it to you.” Bride: ‘‘Are you sure you love me as much as ever?” Bridegroom: “Perfectly.” “ And you will never, never love anyone else?” “Never.” “And there isn’t anything you wouldn’t do to make me happy?” “Nothing—that is, of course, nothing within the bounds of reason.” “ Humph! I thought so. I can see that you are getting tired of me. You’ve begun to reason.” Grey: “ I learn through your agent that you have bought the houses on both sides of your residence and got them dirt cheap. llow did you manage it?” White: "Easily enough. My wife is an elocutionist, my daughter plays the piano, George plays a cornet, I play ; the violin, Bob plays a banjo, Charlie rattles the bones and Johnnie has a jazz drum.”

“Have you ever read an article on how to tell a bad egg?” “Xo, I •haven’t; but my advice would be, if you have anything important to tell a bad egg, break it gently.” “ Remember the example of George \\ ashington. my boy*” said the careful father. ‘ Who was George Washington, papa?” queried the young hopeful. “ Why, he was the man who cbuldn’t tell a lie, of course.” “ What was the matter with him? Couldn’t he talk ? ” It was a poor sort of hotel, and the irate visitor dashed to the office. “Here T say. he said to the man there, “are vou the manager of this confounded establishment?” “Yes. sir. I am," was the reply. “Well, then.” the visitor stormed, “I would have you know I have a very serious complaint.” “You have, sir?” the manager said, “then i don't come near me, it may be catch- j

•'Sorry I can’t stop, old boy, but I’ve got to go home and explain to the wife." “Explain what?” ‘X don t know till I get home.” “John! ” called the wife in the stillness of the night, as somebody stumbled on the stairs, “is that your dear,” came the reply, a trifle unsteady ily. “I’m a burglar. Call the police. “Miss Pliggins laughed at me when I proposed to her,” said “Willie Washington. “And yet,” commented Miss Cayenne, “people say that women have no. true sense humour.” Mother (after reproving father for giving Bobby a taste of cherry brandy): ‘llow do you feel, darling?” Bobby: “ Oh, mummy, it’s too lovely—just like central heating! ” a a Waiter: “Here, what are you doing with those teaspoons in your Customer: “Doctor’s orders. What do you mean—doctor’s orders? tie told me to take two teaspoons alter every meal.” « " Tommy,” said Mr Figg. sternly. I hung a motto iri your room to the effect that little boys should be *een and not heard.” “Yes, sir. Avhat did you do with it?” “ I —l took it to the deaf and dumb orphan asylum.

Husband (after seeing a drama): “She has a very difficult part in that play.” Wife: “Difficult? Why, she doesn’t say a word! ” “Well, isn’t that difficult for a woman?” Boy (accompanied by very small brother) : “I want a tooth out, an* I don't want gas, ’cos I’m in a hurry.’* Dentist: “That’s a brave young man! Which tooth is it?*’ Boy: “Show him yer bad- tooth, Billy.” *■» *■» •*# A celebrated violinist was asked to play his fiddle at one of the de luxe dinners in New York. “How much would you want?” the host asked him “Five hundred dollars is my price.” he replied stiffly. “Of course, you understand,” said the hostess, “that you would not mingle with the guests.” '‘Oh, in that case,” was the retort, “I’ll do it for four hundred.” •'« »*« It was summer time, and a farmer was showing his new labourer round the farfn. at the same time explaining to him all the duties he would have to do. When the farmer had given his list of duties the labourer paused a little and said: “What about cleaning all that snow from round the house?” Farmer: “What are you talking about? There’s no snow at this time of the year.” Labourer: “No, but by the time I’ve done my jobs there will be.”

Angry Bus-driver (to lorry-driver who had cut in) : “You ought to be Reeling a pram.” Lorry-driver: Right oh, mate! And you ought to be m it! ’’ • * know a man who's been married for thirty years and stays at home j every evening.’ She (with deep feeling): There! That’s love.” He: “Oh, no, my dear, it’s rheumatism.” Manager: “What's the* trouble here? Why are all you men idle?” Labourer: A broken belt, sir.” "Where’s the foreman. ' “Gone home. sir. It's his belt that's broken.” Casey: “Ye’re looking pnrty bad this mormn. but ye seem happy enough. Cassidy: “indade, Oi am It makes me feel glad to think av the .^? t ’ ache oi had lasht noight. 1 hwy should thot make ye happy r ‘Bekase Oi hoven’t got it this mormn’, that’s phwy.”