FUN and FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18805, 6 July 1929, Page 27 (Supplement)

FUN and FANCY

Husband (at theatre): This play| makes me think. Wife: Yes, it is a, most extraordinary play. “ Is your wife enjoying her holiday? “ Xo, she keeps worrying whether the canar3 r will know her when she gets home.” The cook: “ Please, ma’am, the new stove has gone out.” Mistress: “Well, light it again.” “ But I can’t, ma’am. It's gone out through the roof.” “ The day is done,” murmured the sentimental maid. “That’s so,” admitted the prosaic youth, “but the night is Boarder: “You shouldn’t keep your pigs so near the house.’ Farmer: “Why not?” “Because it isn’t healthy.” “ You’re mistaken. None of the pigs has ever got sick on account of it.” “ I really cannot understand,” said the vicar, “ why so many of our congregation go straight from church to the publichouse.” “Oh,” said his lively curate, “ that's what is known as ‘the thirst after righteousness.’ ” She: “ Why doco that piano sound first loud and then soft when Miss Wilson plays it? ” IIe:“ Well, you see, she is learning to ride a bicycle, and uses both pedals from force of habit.” s a “Father,” inquired Tommy, “why do Americans always say, ‘I guess’?” “ It’s like this, my boy; the American is a very busy man—and he never has time to make certain of anything.”

Miss Browne: “I frankly admit I am looking for a husband.” Mrs Greene: “So am I.” "But I thought you had one.” “So I have, and I spend most of my time looking for him.” “ The time will come,” shouted the speaker, “ when women will get men’s wages.” “Yes,” said a little man in the - corner; "on Friday night.” Schoolmaster: Jones Minor, you’re copying from Brown next to you, Jones Minor: Xo, sir; T was only verifying the accuracy of what I’ve already written, sir. Lily: I want a donkey—l want a donkey ride. Mother: John, just take her on your shoulder so that we can have some peace. Superior One: These balls we’ve just used were made specially for me. Girl (sweetly): I thought they were extra full of bounce! 2? »« 55 Rather large lady of house (to diminutive plumber who has just fitted a new geyser) : How many pennies shall I have to put in to get a nice hot bath? Diminutive plumber: Well, lady, speakin’ for myself, I can get nicely covered for tuppence, but I expect you’ll find it a bit expensive. Rag and bone man (at back door): Any old junk you want to get rid of, ma'am ? Housewife (eagerly! : Yes, come right in; my husband will be here in a minute. Generous Grandmother : Oh, Jenny, darling, I am surprised! Aren’t you going to give your brother part of your apple? Jenny: Xo, granny. Eve did that a long time ago, and she’s been criticised ever since. Fiery General: “Allow me to tell you that you are a puppy, sir! ” Last of an Ancient House: “Don’t you dare say that! Are you aware that I came of a long line of ” “Silence! When I want your pedigree I’ll drop in at the Kennel Club and get it! ” The old lady said to men struggling to move a large piece of stone in a quarry: “My good men, why don’t you try blasting it?” “Well, mum,” said one of the men, “me and my mates ’as used every blooming swear word we knows, but it ain’t moved yet!” A sergeant *was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle. Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed. The recruits were instructed to load their guns and stand at “ ready,” and then the sergeant gave the command. “ Fire at will.” One recruit lowered his gun and asked, “ Which one is Will?” Voice of the baker’s man: It is all very well for you to say you won’t marry me. You are not growing any vounger, and I may be your last chance. You will be on the shelf soon. Voice of the cook: Eh. I know that! I am on the shelf now. And every now and then I rolls to the edge of the shelf and I looks over and I sees you—and 1 rolls back again! Two Irishmen were working on an ■ estate one excessively hot day, when one of them was overcome by the heat and fainted. The other man went into the house for assistance, and his master gave him some brandy to bring his fellow worker round. Later in the day his master said to him: “By the way. Mike, did you give Pat the brandy?” “Xo, sure, sor.” was the reply. “I jist took a drop meself, and then walked .IB ay, and, faith, he was up an’ afther loike greased lightning!” For the nature lesson the teacher brought in a glass bowl containing a goldfish. This she placed in a promiI nent position on her table. “Now,” she began, turning to the class, “can anyone tell me what a goldfish is?” There was no immediate reply. After a pause, however, a little girl put up her hand. “I know, teacher," she said brightly. “It's a sardine that’s got very rich.”

“That singer has a large repertoire.” “Yes, and the way she dresses makes it look awful.” n The spendthrift was ill with scarlet fever. “Send for my creditors,” he whispered. “Thank Heaven I can give them something at last.” “By George, that’s what I call rubbing it in.” declared the poet. “What do you mean?” asked his friend. “I sent this magazine two poems, and they sent me back three.” Dad: “So you want to marry mv daughter?” Suitor: “Yes, sir.” Dad: “Do you think you can support two?” Suitor: “Oh, no, sir. I don’t intend to try. One is enough^.” First Juror: “I’d know that fellow was guilty before he opened his mouth. Second Ditto: “Sh-h 1 That’s the Crown English Guide (showing places of interest): “It was in this very room, sir, that Xelson received his first commission.” American Tourist,: “That so? llow much did he get?” j.j j.j Two children were arguing. John: “It is.” Elizabeth: “It isn’t.” John: “ I tell you it is, 'cos mummy says it is, and if mummy says it is it is, even if it isn’t.” Notice posted outside a church in a country town: “To-morrow we shall hear the Vicar’s Farewell Sermon. Let us gather in large numbers to show our appreciation.”

A man rushed into a tobacconist’* shop. “This cigar you sold me,” he said, “it’s—it's simply frightful.” “Well, you needn’t complain,” said the tobacconist. “You’ve only got one, _ I’ve got thousands of the beastly things.” The teacher said to her class: “Words ending in ‘ ous' mean full of, as joyous means full of joy and vigorous means full of vigour. Now, give an example iof such a word.” Tommy raised his 1 hand and said: “ Pious.” A Rugby forward, inclined to was sprawling at the side of the field, nursing a minor injury. His skipper saw him, and observed, unkindly: “Sitting this one out, Bill?” “ That man cheats,” said a golfer as he entered the club-house. “He lost his ball in the rough and played another ball without losing a stroke.” “ How do you know he didn’t find his ball?” “Because I’ve got it in my pocket.” *Erb: “ Wot’s a merger, Alf? I’ve heard a lot abaht 'em lately! ” Alf: “ Crikey. An’ yer don’t know what a merger is, 'Erb? Why, that jus’ shows you don’t go to church or chapel on a Sunday. A merger's the bloke wot sweeps up the confetti after weddings.” An enthusiastic fisherman was telling some friends about a proposed fishing trip to a lake in Tasmania. “At* there any trout th -re ? ” asked one friend. “ Tons! “Will they bite easily? ” “Will they? Why they’re absolutely vicious. A man had to hide behind a tree to bait a hook.”

“Why have I never married?’* The confirmed bachelor repeated a leading question. “ Well, once upon a time in a crowd I trod on a lady’s gown. She turned furiously, beginning: * You clumsy brute!’ Then she smiled sweetly, and said: 4 Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you were my husband. And when 1 came to think it over I decided ri d better let marriage alone.” A sporting young man asked his mother up from the country for the races; it was the old lady's first taste of the sport of kings. “ I say, mother.” said the young man, “ what’s in that bulky parcel you are carrying?” “ Well,” said the old lady, “in your letter you said bring something to put on the horses, so I brought this old eiderdown. I hope it’s not too shabby ” The minister had said grace, and the four-year-old daughter of the hostess looked up and said: “ That s not the kind of grace my papa says.” “ Xo?” asked the minister sweetly. “ What kind of grace does your papa say?” “ Why,” said the child, “ he came home Inst night, and when he sat down at the table he just, said, “ Good hcavensWhat a supper!’” :: At a smali country theatre they were giving “ Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves,” and there were only eight in the company. The entering of the robbers into the cave was done bv th® men passing out at the back of the stage and entering again at the front. Unfortunately, one of them had a limp, and when he had entered five times a voice from the gallery cried : “ Stick it, Hoppy ! Last lap! ”