BY THE WAY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18643, 24 December 1928, Page 9

BY THE WAY.

SOME COLLECTIONS AND REFLECTIONS

(By One of the Boys.) F^usband: This is Christmas Eve. dearest, and I may be detained at the office till very late to-night—if I am, don’t wait up for me. Experienced Wife (firmly) : I won t I'll go down and get you. Old Lady (to wife of popular actor) : “Tell me. dear, what is your husband like in private life?” Wife; “He's never had one.” It being the festive season, he had dined rather too well, so one of his friends undertook to see him home. When they arrived at the street in which he lived, his friend said to him; “I say, old chap, what’s the number of your house?” “Don’t arsk silly questions,” answered the other. “Itsh on the gate.” This w’eek’s slogan: What is home without a hamper? j.j j.j j.j “Cheer up, old man,” said the optimist. “Things aren't as bad as they seem.” “No, but they seem to •be,” groaned the pessimist. « The proud Papanui mother of a promising son met some friends at a party. “By the way, Mrs Jonson,” inquired one, “how did your boy get on at his last examination?” “Not well at all. They had the nerve to ask him about things that happened before he was born.” “Here’s an invitation to my golden wedding on New Year's Day.” “Your golden wedding? Why, you’re not married.” “Ah, but I’m marrying a millionaire’s daughter.” Hammond: “There are two sides to every question.” Holland: “Until you marry.” Down Sydenham way two small boys halted before a brass plate fixed on the front of a house whereon was inscribed, in bold letters, the word chirropodist. “Chirrupodist! ” remarked one of them, puzzled. “What’s that?” “Why,” replied his companion, “a chirrupodist is a fellow who teaches canaries to whistle.” On the eve of their execution an Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Jew were asked if they would like any special delicacy. The Irishman voted for Irish stew, the Scotsman for a bottle of whisky, and the Jew fancied strawberries and cream. “But,” protested the warder, “strawberries are not in season.” “Veil,” retorted the Jew, “I can vait.” S X X Excited boy: “Come on, quick! The ould man is batin’ the ould woman again.” Policeman: “Why don’t she come herself if she wants to make a complaint, or have him arrested?” “She’s too busy. She’s got ’im down and is bumpin’ ’is head on .the flure! ” a Three jovial travellers, dining at a hotel, agreed that the one who nad the

oldest name should be exempt from paying the bill. “My name is Richard Eve,” said the first. “You mus£ admit that is old.” “I go back farther than that,” said the second. “My name is Adam Low.” The third said nothing, but took out a card, on which his companions read the words, “Mr B. Ginning.” A tip to the liftman? Oh, rather! At Christmas ’twill sweeten his cup. He feels towards j-ou as a father, Because he is bringing you up. “ Something in glass is always appreciated at Christmas,” says an advertisement. It should never be drowned, of course, by soda water. X 35 SC “ Cotton wool Christmas decorations are dangerous,” says an authority on fires. Mistletoe, too, may lead to trouble.