BY THE WAY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18642, 20 December 1928, Page 9

BY THE WAY.

SOME COLLECTIONS AND REFLECTIONS. (By One of the Boys.) A successful man’s old friends outgrow their envy, but they never entirely get over their astonishment. SC 55 Jt Pat: “Lend me half a crown.” Mike: “Can’t. I’ve only got two bob.” “Well, lend me that, and owe me sixpence.” 55 55 55 “My husband is an awful liar.” “Oh, I don’t know. I think he’s pretty good at it.” Just before the holidays a Christchurch boy called his teacher to him and said: “Please, sir, will you show me how to do this sum?” “But,” said the astonished teacher, “it wouldn’t be right.” “I know that, sir,” said the boy, “but you might have a jolly good try.” 55 55 55 A man told me this one. in the Federal Club yesterday:—The doctor was puzzled, and he said to the patient’s wife, “Give him a black draught and I’ll call again in the morning.” The following day there was no improvement, so the doctor asked, “Did you give him the black draught? “Well, sir,” replied the wife, “I couldn’t find one in the house, so I gave him the nearest I’d got, the double-six domino, but it doesn’t seem to have done him much good.” SC 55 « “I cannot understand ze English language,” said the despairing foreigner. “I learn how to pronounce ze word ‘hydrophobia.’ and zen I learn zat ze doctor pronounce it fatal! ” 55 55 55 Affable Old Dame at the tram shelter: “Aren’t you afraid you will catch cold on such a night as this?” Newsboy: “No, ma’am. Selling papers keeps up the circulation.” 5: Judging by latest reports from Sydney, the kangaroo has a few good hops’ left in him yet. 55 :« Lady IToare, says a London cable, opened the world’s biggest indoor ice rink at Richmond. We hope it won’t be a frost. 55 X 55 Jones: “Your dog bit me.” Neighbour: “He did not.” Jones: “Then prove it.” Neighbour: “First, my dog has no teeth. Second, he is not ferocious. Third, he is particular whom he bites. Fourth, I haven’t a dog.” X SC X “I am not expecting any package,” said the lady of the house. “This is the number,” persisted the driver of the delivery van, looking at his book again. “Name’s Robinson, isn’t it?” “Yes.” “Number seventy-four.” “That's our number.” “Then it’s for you.” “It must be a case of mistaken identity.” “No, ma’am, it’s a case of beer.” X X 55 Douglas Jerrold was once asked to adapt a French play for Drury Lane, and replied that he would put an original work on the stage or none at all. “Oh,” cried Selby, the adapter of many plays, “but'l often introduce original characters in my translations. Do you remember my Baroness in ‘Ask No Questions?’” “Yes, indeed,” retorted Jerrold, “I never see a piece of yours but I am struck by your barrenness.” 5*5 55 55 There’s one good thing about secondhand cars and motor-bikes. There’s no scarcity of people who like tinkering about with them. Otherwise you wouldn't see so many advertisements ending “suit mechanic.” It doesn’t apply to everything, though. For instance, I don’t expect to get any replies to these:— For sale, one dark horse, only* dons 2000 miles. Would suit veterinary surgeon. Wanted to sell, five-roomed house. Would suit carpenter with knowledge of plumbing and paperhanging. For sale, pair of field glasses. Would suit optician. Elderly gentleman would like to correspond with lady, with means, view matrimony. Trained nurse or lady doctor preferred. x x x It isn’t the nurses who deserve to be collared and cuffed. 5*5 55 55 Some enquiring person has discovered a new route to the West Coast. That’s all right, but doesn’t he think we get enough rain this side? Remarkable carving has been discovered in the North Island. The only carving I’m interested in is whether I am to get the breast or the parson’s nose on Tuesday. Amanullah Finds Afghanistan in a bit of a hullaBaloo. One side’s winning, but you can’t tell The funniest thing I struck this dismal morning was the newspaper—every time I cocked an eye at it, my finger went through. As a matter of fact, I put it through the mangle—a very interesting experiment. They’re talking in Australia of sirens to warn bathers of sharks. There are no sharks at Brighton, and it’s no use warning the bathers about the sirens