FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18615, 17 November 1928, Page 20 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Meek and mild husband on the beach: “ I don’t like sand in our food.’ Wife: “It will do you good; it’s what you want—more grit.” Aberdeen Butcher (to lady’ who has bought a quarter-pound of mince): “ There’s a bit suet to ye for naething, madam.” Aberdeen Lady: “ That’s rale kind o’ ye. I’ll no’ bother wi’ the mince noo.” Mother (to small daughter just home from a visit) : “ I am sorry to say your aunt gives a very poor account of you: * Naughty, untidy, unpunctual, untruthful, inclined to be im ’” Daughter: “ Does auntie really write all that? Mother: “Yes.” Daughter (sadly): “ What a thing to say to a child’s own mother! ” :: « After dining with the local squire, a Yorkshire vicar had to walk three miles over the moors to his vicarage. In the morning he received the following note from his host of the previous night: “If you w'ill kindly return my parrot and cage you may have your lantern.” “ Marry me,” implored the estate agent. “ I’ve got a beautiful flat; all modern conveniences, near station, two minutes from shops, good situation, and ” “ Stop ! ” interrupted the modern girl. “ You make me go h. and c. all over.” x ITis wife, reading the newspaper, had just found an interesting piece of information. “It says here,” she said, “ that men grow bald because of the intense activity of their brains.” “ Exactly,” replied hubby. “ And women have no whiskers because of hte intense activity of their chins.” W X X Lady' (engaging nurse) : “ Have you had any experience with children?’ Applicant: “ Yis, mum. Shure, Oi used to be a child inesilf.” 55 The pathway of love was not lined with rose leaves for Reginald, and he was getting tired of it. He felt that it was time to give an intimation oi the worm which turned when the object of his affection asked for the onethousandth time: “ Are you sure that you love me, dear? ” Reginald drew a deep breath and then let off steam. “Do I ? Look here, darling! ”he gasped. “ I’ve missed my last train home for the third time this week; you've been sitting on my knees for three hours and I’ve got the cramp; your brother has torn the brim off my hat, your father made ine smoke one of his beastly cheap cigars this evening; I spent all I had left on the chocolates you’ve just eaten, and I’ve never grumbled once. Do you think I hate you? ” x « “ When I was your age,” said the visitor to a small boy at dinner, “ I always ate the fat. and after a time I grew to really like it.” “ Then eat mine,” replied the small boy*. 55 :: 55 “ Well, Polly, how do you like your new teacher? ” “ I half like her and I half don’t like her. But I think I half don’t like her more than I half like her.”

Mamma: “I don’t believe. Willie, you know what it is to be good.” Willie: “ Oh, y r es, I do. It’s doing what you don't want to do.”

Mr MacTavish attended a christening where the hospitality of the host knew no bounds except the capacities of the guests. In the midst of the celebration Mr MacTavish rose and made the rounds of the company’, bidding each a profound farewell. ” But, Sandy’, mon,” objected the host, “ ye’re not goin’ yet with the evenin’ just started?” “ Nay,” said the prudent MacTavish; “I’m no’ goin’ yet, but I’m tellin’ ye good-night while I know ye ! ” 55 55 35 “ Hi, what d’yer mean, shying stones at my dog?” shouted the dog’s owner. “ Well,” said the youth, “ he’s bit me, that’s why’.” “Flow many’ times?” “Once, and that’s enough, ain’ it?” “ Only once, but you shied at him twice, you young scamp.” “Of course, ain’t yer never heard the proverb, ‘ Once bit, twice shy’ ? ” H 3 % A well dressed y r outh stopped a tat tered newsboy and asked him: “Da you think I could sell papers as easily as you do?” The newsboy’s reply was emphatic and philosophic. “ Well, do you think you can hold three dozen X»apers in one ha.nd. lick three or four bigger boys with the other, while yer keeps two more off with yer feet, and yell last edishun at the same time?” “ No, I hardly think I could do that,” said the man. “ Then y’er’d be no good in the news line. Better get your •people to ’prentice >’er to something light.” 35 55 55 First Beggar: “Why didn't y’ou tackle that lady r ? She might have given you something.” Second Beggar: “I let her go because 1 understand my business better than y’ou do. I never ask a woman for anything when she in alone: but when two women are together y r ou can get money froir both, because each one is afraid the other will think her stingy' if she refuses. This profession has to be studied just like any other, if you expect to make it a success.” « 5: Lady’ (t'o loafer who has asked for money) : “ You’ll spend it, I suppose, instead of giving it to your wife?” Loafer: “I ain’t got a wife, lady. I’m earning me own living.” 35 35 35 A teacher, in reply to questions, said that “ trickling ” was another word for running, and that “ anecdote ” meant a short tale. He then asked the children to construct a sentence containing these words. One of the answers was: “ A dog was trickling down the street with a tin can tied to its anecdote.”