FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18550, 25 August 1928, Page 20 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

“One wife too many! ” exclaimed Mrs Wederly, as she glanced at the headlines of her husband 1 * paper. “I suppose that is an account of the doings of some bigamist?” “Not necessarily, my dear,” replied her husband.

The other day Jones heard a good conundrum and decided to try it on his wife. “Do you know why I am like a mule?” he asked her when he went home. The wife did not even stop to think. “No,” she replied, promptly “I know you are, but I don’t know why you are.”

Father: “What can you offer my daughter that equals or excels what she has now?” Young Suitor: “Well, I think the name of Montgomery is an improvement upon that of Bloggs.”

“How could you tell that sharptongued Mrs Gabbins that she reminded you of a flower?”’ “So she does, but I didn’t mention it was a snapdragon.’*

Old Lady Passenger (on char-a-banc, to driver) : “Why don’t you go faster?” Driver: “Fog ahead, mum.” Old Lady: “But the sky is quite clear.” Driver “That’s right, mum, but we don’t go that way till the petrol tank bursts! ”

Rustic (meeting friend) : “Wot be ’ee goin’ ter walk three moiles to Woodmucket to post a letter for? Why don’t ’ee post it in the village ’ere?” Friend: “Not me! The postmistress ’ave stopped buyin’ my eggs, so I bain’t a’goin' to post no more letters with she! ” Mrs Jones is very stout, but she is also considerate about other people. The other day she went into a hotel to call on a friend. The clerk sent her to the lift. There • a small boy opened the door for her. “Are you going up, ma’am?” he asked, politely. Mrs Jones eyed his slender figure, and thought of her own ample proportions. “Yes, I am, my boy,” she answered. “But goodness me, a little fellow like you can’t pull me up in that thing!" A huntsman met a lunatic out for a walk. “Good morning,” said the lunatic, “nice day for hunting.” “Very nice,” replied the huntsman. “What’s your horse worth?” asked the lunatic “Anything from £SO to £100,” said the fox-hunter. “And the other horses?" “Anything up to £200.” “How much is a hound worth?” “From £2 to £lo.’ “And the fox?” “About half a crown.” ~T>o you mean to say you’ve got about £IOOO out chasing half a crown?” “What about it?” asked the huntsman “Well, it seems you’d better come home with me,” said the lunatic. Policeman: “How many times is this I’ve arrested you?” Prisoner: “Don’t —hie—ask me. I thought you were keepin’ th’ score.” *♦ i'J A Scotsman and an American struck up acquaintance in a hotel lounge. After the former had had several drinks at the American's expense, he said to him: “Well, will you have a drink wi’ me?” “Sure,” replied the other, blandly, “I guess I'll have a glass of champagne.” For an instant the Scotsman was staggered. “Aye, well, you can guess again,” he said at last, “and guess nearer saxpence.” The tramp raised his hat to the young woman who had opened the door in answer to his knock. On seeing the wayfarer the trim young maid was about to close the door abruptly when the other spoke. “I am no ordinary

beggar,” he said proudly, “I was at the front “You at the front?” interrupted the maid, glancing suspiciously at his rounded shoulders. “I was,’ declared the tramp, “but I couldn’t make anyone hear, so I came round to the back.” X.: “She seems to have everything her own way.” Y.: “ Well, if she doesn’t everybody gets out of it.” xxx She (to her partner): “I am always pleased when you ask me for a dance.” He (deighted): “ Er—really?” She: “Yes. You see, you’re the only mr my husband isn’t jealous of.” Farmer: “ What are you doing up that apple tree?” Boy: "Please, sir, there’s a notice to keep off the grass.” Hostess’s Daughter (trying desperately to keep the conversation going) : “Did you ever hear the joke about the curio dealer who had two skulls of Columbus —one when he was a boy and the other when he was a man?” Fitznoodle: “No; I don’t think I have What is it?” Messrs Doolan and Rafferty were e

rmining a fine public building wii much interest. “ Doolan,” said Ra ferty, pointing to an inscription cut i a huge stone, “ phwat does thim litter. ’MDCCCXCVII,’ mane?” “Thot, replied Mr Doolan, “ manes eightee. hoondred an' noinety-sivin.” “ Doolan. said Mr Rafferty after a thoughtfv pause, “don’t yez t’ink they re ovei doin’ this shpellin’ reform a bit?” Si Si Charlie: “But I asked you, dearest to keep our engagement a secret fc> the present.” Claire: “I couldn't helj it. That hateful Ella said the reason j wasn’t married was because no foe. had proposed to me, so I told her you had.” “What are you in for?” “ Sevei vears. I robbed the Swindelia bank. And you?” “Five years. I founded the Swindelia bank.” lie (sarcastically) : “ You know some-! one has said, 4 lf you would make a' lasting pair of shoes, take for the soles a tongue of a woman.’” She: “Yes, and for the uppers the cheek of the man who said it.” “ Do you ever take flowers or choco lates home to your wife?” “Good heavens, man, no! What’s the use of i arousing her suspicions?”

Fred was being sent to a boardingschool. “Now,” said his father, “when you write, do not send me pages and pages describing all the pupils, where they come from and what class they are in, because I really shall not have time to read it all.” A few weeks later his father received the following letter: “Deaf Father,—S.O.S., £ s d, R.S.V.P. —Fred.” He: “You refuse my proposal. Is this absolutely final?” She: “Yes, indeed. Shall I return your letters?” “ Please do; there is some very good material in them I can use again.” Captain, to the man at the wheel: “ Another point a-port, quartermaster.” Lady Passenger: “Goodness, gracious! that’s the second pint of port he has called for within a few minutes. llow those captains drink?” First Landlady: “I manage to keep my boarders longer than you do.” Second Landlady: “Oh, I don't know;

you keep them so thin that they look longer than they really are.” A small girl was asked, upon her return home, how she liked the singing of' the congregation in the church. “ I liked it very much indeed,” she said. “ although all the people said it was bad.” “ All the people 6aid it was bad! What do you mean, my dear?” “Oh. it was so bad that I heard the people praying, “ Have mercy upon us, miserable singers.” se “Is it trpe that you have broken off your engagement?” asked the inquisitive visitor. The young man addressed shook his head mournfully. “No,” he said, “I didn’t break it off.” “Oh, she broke it off, then?” The young man again shook his head. “But it is broken off, isn't it?” “Oh, yes,” explained the moody one with delicacy. “She told me what her milliner’s bill was, and I told her how much a week I got. Then our engagement just sagged in the middle and gently dissolved.”