FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18467, 19 May 1928, Page 23 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

A servant girl living in Yorkshire gave her mistress notice to leave, for the reason that she was about to marry. As the time for leaving drew near she addressed her mistress thus: “Please, mum, have you another girl yet?” “No, Bridget. Why do you ask?” "If you have not I would like to stay.” “I thought you were going to marry the sweep?” “Yes,” replied Bridget, “I was, but when I saw him with his face washed I felt I could not love him.” « X « Mrs Flanagan: “Was your old man in comfortable circumstances when he died?” Mrs Muiphy: “No, ’e was 'alfway under a train! ” Tommy (stubbornly): “I don’t want to go to the barber’s. I won’t have my hair cut!” Modern Sister: “Don’t be silly. Tommy. You won’t have so much hair to brush.” Tommy: “No, but I shall have more neck to wash! ” Two farmers met in town a few days after a cyclone hit the countryside. “Yes, it did quite a bit of damage out our way," said one, reflectively. “By the way, Hank, was that new bam of yours injured any?” “I can’t say rightly,” the other answered slowly. “I ain't found it yet.” A man was taking out an insurance policy. In filling m the application form he found that he had to state if his father was living, and if deceased what complaint he died of. The trouble was that his father had been hanged. After considerable rumination he found the solution between the naked truth and a false statement. lie wrote that his father “died suddenly at a public function owing to the collapse of the platform.” x h “John, you knew it was my birthday. Why didn’t you bring me a little present?” “Why, my dear, I didn’t want to remind you that you were a year older 1 ” « X X Little Girl (at breakfast) : “Why does the milkman call ‘Milk-ho!’ mornings? Why doesn’t he just say milk?” Elder Sister: “That shows you aren’t educated. If you’d learnt French you'd know that ‘eau’ means water.” XXX The burglar had awakened the occupant of the bedroom, who, upon seeing what his nocturnal visitor was trying to do, burst into laughter. “What makes yer laugh?” growled the burglar. “I’m laughing to think what pains you are taking in the hope of finding money by night in a desk where the owner can’t find it dag-’* Surgeon (addressing students at a hospital): “The muscle of the left leg of the patient has contracted till it is much shorter than the right leg. Therefore he limps. Now, what would you do in such circumstance?” Intelligent Student: “Limp, too 1 ” x The railway carriage was crowded as the young man opened the door and asked in a sarcastic voice: “Is this Noah’s Ark full?” “Yes,” was the reply from a grumpy man in the corner. “We’re all here except the ass. Come in.” Small Boy brother): “I wish we had a big dictionary in the house.” “Do you want to look for something?” “Yes; there is some chocolate on top of the cupboard, and I can’t reach it standing on a chair! ”

A servant girl was given some macaroni by her mistress to prepare for the table. Noticing her astonishment, her mistress said, “Didn’t you ever cook macaroni at your last place?” “Cook it, indeed! We used them things to light the gas with!” Ethel: “Would you marry man who simply throws his money away?” Mary: “I don’t know. Has he got any money left?” An excited member of the Hebrew fraternity rushed to a friend and, shaking him warmly by the hand, said:. “Have you heard the good news, Abe? Petrol’s down, petrol’s down I Hurrah! hurrah.” “Veil,” said Abe, very calmly, “vhat’s all the excitement about? You haven’t got a car! ” ”1 know I haven't, Abe; but I've got a pipe lighter.” *.♦ s.* A Scotsman and an Englishman, feeling hungry, one afternoon entered together a shop and ordered tea. When it was served the Englishman caused amusement by saying, loud enough for everyone to hear: “Now, you be mother, and pour out! ” The Scotsman did so, but turned the tables on his friend at the end of the meal by saying: “Now you be father, and pay.” X X X “ I learn,” she said reproachfully, “ that you were devoted to no fewer than five girls before you finally proposed to me. How do I know that you didn’t make desperate love to all of them?” “I did,” he replied promptly. “You did?" “Certainly. You don’t suppose for a moment I should be foolhardy to try for such a prize as you are without practising a little at first, do you?” The defendant, charged with keeping a dog without a license, tried to interrupt the evidence. “ Do you wish the court to understand that you refuse to renew your dog license?” asked the magistrate. “ Yes, your worship, but ba fined. You know the license has expired.” “ Yes, but—so has the dog.” Bert: “Think of a number, and I’ll tell you whether it is odd or even.” Albert: “All right. I just called my girl on the ’phone. Which number was it?” “Did you get her?” “Yes.” “Right away?” “Yes.” “That’s odd.” First Negro: “ Ah believe dat Deacon Johnes got a stock of home brew in de cellar!" Second Negro: “Deacon Johnes? Ah doan believe utl*’ “Well, then, how izzit the flies comes buzzin’ out’n his cellar window backwards and in circles?” Angry-looking Woman: “You go away from here or I'll call my husband.” Tramp: “Yer husband ain’t at ’ome.” “ How d’yer know he isn’t?” “ I’ve alius noticed, mum, that when a man is married to a woman what looks like you do, he’s never at ’ome except at meal times.” Joe Smith met his pal, 'Enery, in the street. “ ’Ere,” he said. “ I’ve got a bone to pick wiv you.” “ Well, what is it?” “I ’ear you’ve bin saying fings abaht me.” “And ’oo told you that?” “ Why, Bill Jackson told me you told ’im I pinched that bob wot you lorst. ’ “ I never said nothin' of the sort. All I said wos that I thort I might ’ave found it if you ’adn’t bin 'elping me to look for it.” XXX Kate: “ You ought to have heard Mr Dearlove’s ringing speech last night.” Annie: “ Why, I wasn’t aware he could make a speech.” Kate: “ Well, he has made one, just the same. I can’t repeat the speech, but I can show you the ring.” Bernard, like most other small boys of his age, generally found himself in trouble of some kind. Finding that words had but little effect upon his offspring, the father resorted to sterner measures. A neighbour, watching him chastise the boy, noticed with admiration that Bernard gave no outward indication of the pain he was suffering.

“ Don’t you ever cry when you’re beaten, Bernard?” he asked. “What’s the use?” retorted the small boy. “ The old man’s deaf! ” x x “ I hear your son has taken up a profession, Mr O’Casey,” remarked the visitor to the house. “He has, indade,” rejoined the host. “ He’s phwat they call a 4 cross-examiner.’ ” This was too much for the stranger. “ And phwat’s a 4 cross-examiner ? * ” he asked. For a minute or two O’Casey was at a loss, but eventually he pulled himself together. “ Sure, it's a fellow who asks you questions, an’ you answer the questions, an' then he questions the answers,” he returned easily. x x 4 The mistress of the house was very angry with her maidservant. “ Look here, Lucy,” she cried, “ I can’t allow you to send so many blouses to the laundry. Seven in one week is positively disgraceful! ” The maid hung her head in shame, but the outraged housewife was not to be appeased. 44 Do you realise,” she continued—“ do you realise, Lucy, that my owrf daughter doesn't send as many to the wash in a month?” 44 Perhaps she don’t,” said Lucy, now thoroughly roused, 44 and perhaps she don’t walk out with a sweep!” As soon as tea was finished Farmer Beeton announced to his household that he was so tired of eating badlymade bread that he would make the next day’s supply himself. 44 Good idea,” agreed a visitor. “ I’ll lend you a hand, if you like.” Together they departed kitchenwards, one bearing a bag of flour, the other a drum of yeast. It was past midnight, and still the amateur bakers were hard at work. The fanner’s wife ventured to ask whether the bread was in the oven. 44 In the oven?* cried Beeton. “We can’t keep it in the kitchen, let alone the oven.' 35 “ Mary,” said the lady rather sharply to her cook, 44 1 fnust insist that you keep better hours, and that you have less company in the kitchen at night. Last night you kept me from sleeping because of the uproarious laughter of one of your women friends.” 44 Yis, mum, I know,” was the apologetic reply, 44 but she couldn’t help it. I was a-tellin’ of how you tried to make a cake one day.” X X X “ I am not expecting any package,” said the lady of the house. 44 This is the number,” persisted the driver of the delivery van, looking at his book again, “Name’s Robinson, isn’t it?” “Yes.” “No. 74?” “That’s our number.” “Then it’s for you.” “It must be a case of mistaken identity.” “ No, mum, it’s a case of beer.” Mr Smallwood was urging the pretty young widow to marry /him. “Darling,” he said, “I would forfeit anything for you. My pleasures, smoking, my money —yes, my life, if necessary.” “Don’t tafv rashly,” said the widow drily. “Remember, you are asking me to be Mrs Smallwood, not Mrs Hailwood.” x x Father ruefully gazed on his last shilling. “Money has wings, and house rents make it fly,” he said. “Yes,” said his fifteen-year-old son, ‘'and some houses have wings, for I’ve seen many a house fly.” “You're smarter than your old dad, maybe, my son, but I always thought that no part of a house except the chimney flue!” “Tommy,” sad the visitor, “how do you like your baby' brother ? ” "Oh, lots and lota. Only I don’t think he’s very bright.” “Why not. Tommy?” “Well, we’ve had him two weeks now. and he ain’t said a Word to anybody yet.**