FUN AND FANCY

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18380, 4 February 1928, Page 23 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

Tillie (to voung man passing by) : p “Hello, John!” Millie: “Is his name t John? Your father told me it was _ Mat.” “Oh. no. Father just calls him _ that because.he always trips over him „ at our front gate.” “Well, Bobbie,” said the mother of the bride, who had instructed the small boy what to do with his piece of wedding cake, “did you put your wedding 5 cake under your pillow and dream of your future wife?” “No,” was the re- [ ply. “I ate the cake, ’cos I want my \ wife to be a surprise.” I sc x r Isaac’s friend Lazarus was on a visit C to Aberdeen, and they were discussing fire insurance. Lazarus had two pro- * perties, one of which was not insured. * Unfortunately, a fire occurred in the uninsured premises. “How did you feel when you heard of the fire, Laz- ‘ arus?” asked Isaac. “I turned as vite j as your shirt—no viter.”^ ’ A dear old lady had some difficulty ’ with her hens, and wrote the following 1 letter to a Minister of Agriculture:— 5 “Something is wrong with my chickens. | Every morning when I come out I find 5 two or three lying on the ground cold * and stiff. Can you tell me what is the matter?” After a while she received the following letter from the department: “Dear Madam —Your chickens 1 are dead.” Guest: “Who is that awful-looking ! frump over there?” Host: “Why, that’s 1 my wife.” Guest: “Oh —er —beg par- ; don. My mistake.” Host (sadly) : “No, ; mine.” ' “My husband gave me this lovely fur coat. It cost over £30!” “How beautiful! And what did you give him? “Oh, the duckiest little pen-wiper you ever saw 1 ” M M M A man arrived at a house to take an inventory of the furniture. He was so long over his task in the diningroom that the lady of the house came to see what had happened. She opened the door, and saw him lying asleep in a chair. fey his side was an empty decanter. But he had not entirely forgotten his inventory. At the top of the page was a solitary entry: “Revolving carpet, one.” SC sc * “There’s nothing really wrong with you.” said the specialist to the taciturn patient, “from a physical point of view. But your nerves are a little frayed. What vou need is a holiday apart from your friends and family in some quiet, restful spot, where you will be—if I may say so—close to Nature, and that sort of thing.” “May as well get back to work, then.” “Why?” “Well, I’m a lighthouse keeper/’ A newly-rich man who had bought a country house awoke to find that his watch had stopped, whereupon he called the butler. V What time is it, Henry?” “ All the clocks have' stopped, sir.” “ Then go out and look at the * sundial.” “It’s dark out there, sir.” “ Well, you fool, can’t you get a lantern?” jj> ♦.* “ I do not say that man will steal,” said an Irish witness on a trial, “ but if I was a chicken I’d roost high when he was around.” Conjurer (at party): “Suppose you had a box of cigars but no matches, how could you light a cigar?” Guest: “ I’m sure I don’t know.” “ Why, simply take one cigar out of the box; the box will then be a cigar lighter.” Man (just acquitted) to counsel. “ Thanks very much. What on earth should I have done without you?" Counsel: “About five years.” « * X Blanche: “I wouldn’t dream of marrying any of your polished, draw-ing-room young men. My husband must be a hero.” Barbara: “Yes, dear, but you’re capable of making any man a hero.” “Indeed! In what way?” “ By persuading him to marrv

Passport Examiner: “Where are your proofs that this lady is your wife?” Tired Husband: “I haven t any, but if you can prove she is not I’ll give you a tenner.” » * « „ Minister’s Daughter: George, you must come to church this evening. Father is preaching from the text, ‘ Love ye one another.’ ” George: “ Can’t we stop at home and practise while he preaches?” “ The baby is yelling terribly. What does he want?” “ Dunno. We’ve tried him with everything in the house.” “ Perhaps he just wants to yell.” Customer: “This shunk coat is very fine. Will it stand the rain?” Salesman : “ Madam, did you ever see a skunk carry an umbrella?” «*! M Visitor (at country hotel): “Here, I say, what do you call this stuff?” Landlord: “Butter.” '“Butter! Why, I’d rather eat axle grease than this compound ! ” “ John, run to the barn and get some axle grease for the gentleman.” Cross-examining Counsel: “You drive a cart?” Witness: “No, sir.” “But a moment ago you told us that you did.” “ No, sir.” “ Then for goodness sake, what is your occupation?” “ I drive a horse." Jock: “Sand}', when ye had your photos taken, why didna ye smile?” “ And those pictures costing me twal’ shillin’s a dozen. Are crazy, mon?” It was the first time that Richard’s father had seen the girl his son was going to marry, and the two were talking things over. “So my son has proposed to you,” said the old man, “ and you have accepted him. I think you might have seen me first.” “So I did, but I prefer Richard.” Suitor: “ I called to—er—talk—er—to you about —er —your daughter’s hand.” Father: “James! Tell Miss Helen the manicurist has arrived! ” Emigration Agent: “ Married or single?” Applicant: “Married.” “Where •were you married?” “I don’t know.” “ Don’t know where you w*ere married?” “ I thought you said 4 Why/ ” Teacher: “ Where were you born, Dinah?” Dinah: “Please, miss. Ah wasn’t born. I’se gotta stepmother.” Fred: “ Poor old Tom fell into a fortune last year.” Frank: “ Why poor?” “ He fell into it so hard that he went right through it.” Professor: “ You have now been in my service twenty-five years, I believe, Mary?” Faithful Domestic (expectantly): “Yes, sir.” Professor: “Well, as a reward for your faithful service, I have decided to name after you the new species of beetle I have just discovered.” / Father: “ Did you ever tell that young man that late hours were bad for one?” Maud: “Well, late hours may be bad for one, but they are a|J right for two.” “ Willie,” said a generous father, as he and his little son were gazing into a tailor’s shop window, “ I am going to buy you a new pair of trousers. You shall choose them.. Which pair do you want?” After a moment’s hesitation, the little boy said: “Please, may I have those marked ‘ Cannot be beaten ’?”