FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18015, 27 November 1926, Page 21

FUN AND FANCY.

Polite Shopman (showing goods): “ Here is something 1 would, like to call your attention to. madam. It's the very latest thing out.” Mrs Rounder (absently): “If there's anything *. out later than ray husband, I'll take it. if only for a curiosity." “ Where is it forbidden in the Bible. Joe, for a man to have more than one wife?” “ Piease. sir. where it. says, * Xo man can serve two masters/ ” Jack: “So you think love is. like a photographic plate. Why?” Daisy: “Because it needs a dark room to develop it.” “ Package of pink dye. please.” “ For woollen or cotton goods?” “It’s-for ma’s stomach. The doctor said she’d have to diet, and she. wants a. pretty colour.” Sandy: “ Xoo. M’Dougal, if 1 gave ye a hundred pounds, what would; ye-do. with them?” M’Dougal: “ I;, would count them.” Mr and Mrs Lloyd were discussing married happiness. “ You know. Potter has the most happy ideas about marriage.” said Mr Lloyd. /"Oh? “ Yes. He believes that man and .wife should always be in full harmony: that thev should mutually yield each point to the end. and have no thought in the world but true domestic happiness.”; “ Splendid!’’ cried Mrs Lloyd. . “.And. of course, Mrs Potter agrees with him?” “Well, as a matter of fact, my, dear. Potter is not married.” « * tf Employer: ” I advertised for a..strong boy. Do you think you would." suit-? - ” Bright Lad: “Well, I've just finished licking nineteen other applicants in the street." :: » “ You are a chemist and dr-uggist, are you?” “I am. Been in the business a number of years.” “ I-t have. ’• “ Understand vour trade thoroughly.” "I do.” “Registered?” " Yes,';; sir. “That is vour diploma hanging oyer there?” “It is.” “Well, give nie'twopennyworth of salts,”. “ This watch will last a lifetime,” remarked the jeweller. “Nonsense!” retorted the customer. “ Can't you see that its hours are numbered?” Miss Young (telephoning): “Doctor. I forgot to ask you about the eye medicine you gave me. Do I drop it in nty eyes before or after meals?” A little girl was sent to a butcher’s to order a sheep's head. Asking hint to send it home/’ she said, • “ And mother says, will you please leave the eyes in, as it has to see us through the week.” The girl had been to a fortune-teller, and she returned to her mistress in-a ; terrible state of mind. “ What: is .-the. matter. Mary?” asked the mistress. “ Did she tell you something dreadful was going to happen to you?” “‘No.mum.’ said the girl; “but she told''me my father was earning his living .by shovelling coal and tending to lil*es/.’ “There's no disgrace in that.” mum. no disgrace; but he's been-dead, five years!” ( • ■ - : Brown had to dismiss his clever but dishonest gardener. For the sake of the man's wife and family, he gave‘him ; a character. This is how he' worded it:, “ I hereby certify that A. G. has-been; my gardener for over two years, .and during that time he got more out of

my garden than any man I have-ever employed/’ “ What, do you want, my little man ? " asked the, grocer. “Sweets or biscuits?” “I want ’em both,” the boy answered plaintively; “but me-mo-therlsrsent me for some soap!” Bill: “I hear Jerry struck good gold after sinking two foot deeper in that shaft you left.” M'Guire: “ Thin Oi’ll never lave another shaft until I sink it two feet deeper.” An Aberdonian went to a. dentist to have a tooth extracted. He had gas. When he recovered consciousnesse he discovered that all his teeth were out. “ Whit way did ye dae that?” he asked. “ Oh.” replied the dentist. “ I gave ye ower much gas, and . dkliuy like to waste it.” A boy was so spoilt by indulgence that his parents were scarcely able ,to refuse him anything. The child was in the" drawing-room when dinner was an l nounced. Ordered up to the nursery, he insisted on dining with the company! “If T dinna gang. I'll tell thon/' he repeated- several times. His father, for peace sake, let him go. At the table the child got everything he wanted; undfcr /threat that hp would “ tell /thou.” ‘ As wine was positively refused h'jm.: the' bov declared, “Now I will teil tlipn.” and at last he shouted, “ Ma . pew breeks were made dot o’ the aufd . curtains.” Stevens .(describing a catch) : “The trout was' so long—l tell you, I never saw such fish.” Hall: “ No, I don’t suppose you ever did.” Teeny Ted: “ Daddy, why does uncle call mummy your better half? A “To remind her that she's not the whole show, my boy.” When they appeared for breakfast/ Maude observed to her sister Katherine: “You must have been dreaming of- someone proposing to you last'.night, Kitty/’ “ What on earth do you mean?” demanded Katherine. “Only this: J heard you for a quarter of an hour cpying in your sleep, ‘ Yes! ’ ” Two little boys were talking to each other in the street. “ Your father is a shoemaker,” said one. “and- yet you have no shoes.” “ Your father is a dentist.” replied the other. “ and yet yjour baby brother has no teeth.” ■ “ Can your fiancee keep a secret?/' “I/should think she can.. We'were engaged two- or three .Weeks before; 1 .knew a thing,about it.” A man suffering from, bronchitis called in a physician. “ T can cure you in a week.” said the physician arrogantly. “ Have you had great experie,nce of the disease, then?” asked the sufferer. “ Why,” said the physician proueHv, “ I've had it myself for fifteen .. Rastus and Mose were having a heated argument. In reply. to some remarks of; Rastusl* Mosc said: "Guess I know, Piggah ! Don't you think T'se-got any •brains?” “Huh!” Rastus/replied. "If brains were dynamite .you* .couldn’t• blow off your hat!” “ Wliat’ have you been doing to your hand, mv little man?” “ ’Ammered me. thumb, mum.” “ Dear me, how did you cpme Jto do that!" . “ 'Ammering, mum! ”

“Were vou sea-sick coming to England. Nellie?" asked Mr Tinker of her new Irish maid. “Oi was turrible sick cornin’ over, but nivver a qualm did Oi have goin' back, mum," replied the girl. “Indeed?” queried the mistress. “An dhow do you account for that. Nellie?” “ Shure.” said Neliie, “an’ Oi nivver wint. back, mum.” A stern father hurriedly entered the parlour and was shocked to see his daughter and her “ young man ” occupying the same chair. “ Sir,” lie said, shaking his head solemnly, “when I was. courting my wife she sat. on one side of the room and I sat on the other.” “ Well.” replied the suitor, “ that's what 1 should have done if I had been courting your wife! ” “Do you know, father has never spoken a hasty word to mother?” " How is that?” “He stutters.” “I’ll never ask another woman, to marry me as long as I live." “ Refused again?” “No—accepted.” Customer: “ I want a couple of pil-low-cases." “ What size?” ‘Customer: “ I don’t know, but I wear a size seven hat.” * _. . Mrs -Newlyrich/--(about., to purchase her first real fur coat and Teeling called upon to pick every possible tlavv > : “Are you quite sure this fur won't shrink in the rain-one is sometimes .caught, without an umbrella, you know.” Long-suffering salesman: “ Madam, that fur didn't shrink on the last party who wore it. and he was never known to carry an umbrella." AN ESSENTIAL DETAIL. Magistrate: You are sentenced :to two months in prison. Have you anything to. say? - Prisoner: Yes, sir. Will you please telephone my wife that I shall not be home to dinner? NO MORE. “ Is your new son-in-law a good provider ? ” . “He can just about keep my daughter in gloyes. I pay for everything else/’ “Then he deceived you as to his circumstances.” “ No, T remember he merely asked for her' hand.” HE KNEW. Teacher: Robert, here is, an exarnple in subtraction. Seven boys went down to the creek to bathe, but tw'o.of them had been told not to go in the wafer. Now, can you inform me how many .. Robert: Yes’m; seven. A'FREE ADYT-ERTISKMENT. The scene was the village hall in the little country place,./and the occasion the grand annual concert, in which all the local talent appeared. There was a large and enthusiastic audience, numbering among it all the local leading lights. After numerous songs, dances and piano solos, the stage was taken by* Mr llv water, the star turn of the evening, lie recited. “The Village Blacksmith” with great. gusto, and was -.loud 1 v cheered, -encores', being- demanded. lie was about to oblige with a. rendering of “The Wreck of the Hesperus." when a man ran up to. him, hot. and breathless. “ I want you to do. me a favour/; he explained, when he had taken the elocutionist aside. “ I ’appen 'to be the feller you were, talking about, and I want yer to put in a verse savin’ as ’ow I lend out bicycles! ”

CLEVER.OF HIM. Farmer: Did you get the-/crate-, of -chickens I. sent ? Customer: Yes. but you ’adn : t packed 'em well, and after searohin’ the neighbourhood; I only found twelve. Farmer: You did jolly well —I cinly sent eight. ss WHICH HELPED. “Have you heard of the editor who was a poor man twenty years ago,'and now he has retired with a fortune of fifty thousand pounds?” “ No; how did he do it?” “ Oh. just through industry economy, conscientious effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who left him £49,090.” CUPID’S RETREAT. They-olcl gentleman was at a furniture shop. “By the way,” he said, just before leaving. “ my. daughter has just started. to have a young man calling, and I' suppose I should buy them ' a , pretty sofa to make love on?” “Yes, sir.” responded the suave shop- ' man, .“ and here is the very kind you , need. It" is called Cupid’s Retreat.” “ Hip! What arc the good points?” : . “Why, in just one year the cover j wears'oft, displaying a card—‘ It's time - to' get married! ’ 5 STOPPED THE GAMES. The teacher, after having taken great trouble to explain the difference in the meanings of the word " dream ” and “ reverie.” addressed the class. “ Now, could any of you give me a sentence with the word ‘reverie’ in it?” A small youth put up his hand. “ You, John!” she exclaimerl delightedly. for John was usually rather slow. “ Well, what is it?” “Please, ma'am,” said the boy, “the. ‘ reverie’ blew his whistle and stopped; the game ! ” • j: CLEVER OF H ER.. /;•/. The obviously -newly-wedded pair had stopped to get, some light refreshment. A trim waitress approached them and politely asked if they wanted honeymoon salad. The bashful and puzzled/.bridegroom asked of what •it consisted. “Just lettuce alone,” replied the waitress.

WAS THERE ANY DOUBT? She: T won’t even consider marrying you. You. are the most stupid, idiotic, asinine'creature on earth. You are repulsive. abhorrent, and miserable. 1 wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on earth. I hate, you; you are despicable. He: Do I understand that, you are rejecting my proposal? STIRRING HER UP. Wife: George, 1 wish you’d go to the kitchen and give Lena a good talking to before'you go to business. Husband : I low's that? I thought you were very satisfied with her? “So I am, but she's going to beat some rugs this morning, and she does it - muc h better when she's angry." AFTER MANY YEARS. “ You remember that watch T lost '' Yes," said his friend. “ You'remember how I looked high and low for it? Well, yesterday 1 put on a vest I had not worn for years, and what do you think I found in the pocket?” - “ Your watch—splendid ! ” “No, I found the hole it-must have dropped through.”