FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 18009, 20 November 1926, Page 20

FUN AND FANCY.

“ You must be growing tired of me.” j said Mr Newlywed. " You never call j me 'dear.' as other men’s wives do.” | “ Do thev?” she a«ked k « Mother: “Now, children, don’t quarrel. What’s the matter?” Samuel: “ We're playing shipwreck, an’ Susie j won't go in the bath-room an’ drown herself.” The only son had just announced his j engagement. “ What? That girl? She | squints!” remarked his mother. “ She I has absolutely no style.” added his sister. “ Red-headed, isn’t she?” queried his aunt. ” I’m afraid she’s fidgety,” said grandma. “ She hasn’t any money,” put in his uncle. “ She doesn't look strong!” exclaimed his first cousin. “She’s stuck-up!” asserted his second cousin. “ She’s an extravagant thing!” interposed his third cousin. “ Well., she’s got one redeeming fea- | ture,” said the son, thoughtfully. “ What’s that?” asked the family in chorus. “ She hasn’t any relations.” was the quiet reply. Teacher: “Johnny, can you tell me why we should always try to rise by our own efforts?” Johnn: “ Because we never know when the alarm clock will go wrong.” ❖ * sjs Mother: “My boy certainly grows more like his father every day.” Neighbour: “ Does he, now? Have you tried evervthing?” tt p: Two Scotsmen decided to become teetotallers, but M’Gregor thought it would be best to keep one bottle in case of an illness. The Whisky was bought and put in a place agreed upon. After three days Sandy could bear it no longer, and he said, “ M'Gregor, I am ill.” “Too late,” said M’Gregor. “ I was ill all day yesterday.” m k Teacher: “What is the between the sun and the moon?” Pupil. “ Please, sirj the sun’s bigger and healthier-looking than the moon because he goes to bed earlier.” Marion: “Weren’t you embarrassed when young Dr Jones asked you for your hand?” Maude: “Indeed I was. 1 didn’t know whether he wanted to take me or my pulse.” FLATTERING A doctor had been called to see a man who was very ill. lie examined him. and said to the nurse—- “ You must watch the case very closely through the night and tell me all the symptoms when I come back in the morning." The man became worse in the night, and talked a lot of nonsense in the fever. When the doctor returned in the morning, he said to the nurse — “Tell me exactlj- what happened after I left ”

“You were hardly out of the room."’ she began, “when he said. ‘When did the old idiot say he was coming back again?’ Those were the last sensible words the patient spoke. DELIGHTED! Young Tom Thompson was certainly a very officious young man, as everyone in the employ of Messrs Skinner, Skinner, and Skinner agreed, lie was always pushing * himself in where he was not wanted, and he had a very exalted opinion of himself, to say the least. There were two partners in the firm, and one of them, happening to die, young Thompson approached the surviving partner, with whom he was no favourite. “1 am sorry, sir. to hear of Mr John’s death, M said the voting man, “and I have come to ask if you would like me to take his place.” “Yes. I should very much," was the reply, “if you can get the undertaker to arrange it Cj MUCH BETTER. “Mother, wouldn’t it. be nice if you had the toothache instead of sister?” "Why do you think it would be nice?*' “Because you can take your teeth i out and sister can't.” » WHO INDEED? Briggs: “I don't think I like the look of the new servant.” Mrs Briggs: “But. dearest, think of the reputation for cooking she bears." ‘ Briggs: “But who on earth wants to eat she-bears?” JUDGING* FROM RESULTS. The young editor had just founded a new magazine—one of those highbrow things, with pale-grey covers and thick, uncut pages—and was eager for applause. “What do you think of it?” he asked the literary critic to whom he took a copy for examination. “Well.” replied the other, wearily but warily, "the stuff you rejected must certainly have been rotten.” BETTER THAN* THAT • “I’ dpnt know whether I love you or Freddie,” said the girl doubtfully, “so how can I marry you?’" “I don't think you’d make any mistake by marrying me." answered the patient young suitor. “Oh, I don’t know. Freddie plays a saxophone and is a splendid dancer," returned the girl. “But my recommendation is better than his.” “How so?" "I’ve worked three years in a restaurant washing dishes.' HER CHARITABLE ACTION. An Aberdeen woman who keeps a lodger went to hear a famous preacher. The sermon, which was on the subject Of charity, was so impressive that she mentally vowed never to turn a beggar away from her door again. She had not long to wait for anopportunity of practising charity, for next day a beggar rang her bell and asked for a morsel of bread. She told him to wait a minute, ran quickly into the house, and cut off a generous slice of bread—from the lodger's loaf. THE WRONG *PLACE. The woman who stood before the window in the bank was beginning to get a little restless. She had been standing in front of the receiving teller for a quarter of an hour, and he seemed to be quite unaware of her presence. At last she became too irritated to keep quiet .another moment- “ Why don’t you pay attention to “I’m sorry, ma’am;. we don’t pay ] anything here. ’ was the .short but ; polite reply. “Next window, please." : A FINE‘SIGHT ‘iNDEEED. J The young recruit had been the ol> i ject of the hardened sergeant's biting tongue for day on end, and he was < heartily sick of it But his chance 1 came while he was bungling through 1 a rifle drill. “It's about time you knew what a fine sight was!” rasped the sergeant ] “Come, ndte, what is a fine eight.?" 1 “Well," said the recruit, retrieving ; his fallen rtfle, “there can be no finer sight on earth than a perfectly huge : l>oat, crammed with sergeants, on fire « four hundred miles from land, in a hur- i ricane, with not the slightest hope of rescue!"’

He: “A month ago I made my will. Everything is left to you.” She: “ Well, what are vou waiting for?” sc “ Good job our wives don’t know where we got to last night.” ” Too true! By the way. where did we get to?” “ Blessed if I know.” X X Jt lie: “I see that someone suggests a statue to the man who invented rubber tyres.” She: Wouldn’t bust be more appropriate?” zi ti The vicar's wife had a black marble bust in her drawing-room, and she particularly impressed upon her maid always to dust it with care, as it Was of great value. “ Who is it, ma'am?” asked the maid. ” Xapoleaon.” was the reply. “Napoleon? I never knew Napoleon was a nigger.’^ | Judge: 4 What is vour occupation?” I Prisoner: “I’m a locksmith.” “And what were you doing in the gambling house when the police appeared?” “ Making a bolt for the door.” X Zi Zi Mrs A: “Vou say that brandy is a good remedy for colic, but I don't agree with you.” Mrs B: “ What do you know about it?” Mrs A: “A great deal. Before I had brandy in the house my husband never had colic more than once or twice a year, but as soon as I kept a supply he had colic almost -every day.” M SC SC IN GOOD TIME. A woman entertaining an important guest was giving final instructions to her new maid. “Now, Polly,” she said, “in the morning take a jug of hot water up to Mr Chumleigh's room. Be sure not to forget it.” The mistress thought no more of the matter until the next day, when at noon she remarked, casually—- “ You took the hot water up to Mr Ghumleigh's room this morning. I suppose?” “Why,yes, ma'am. I was so frightened I'd forget it that I took it up last night.” :c :c :c EXACT MEASUREMENT. A man was asked by his wife to go to the greengrocer's for a swede turnip. “llow big do you want one?” he asked“As big as your head,” was the reply. One his way he met a friend who discovered the object of his journey and said—-“ Why. there's no need to buy one. Go to my allotment and get A little later the plot-owner was hailed by- a friend with—“ That’s a rum sort of gardener you’ve got working on your plot.” “Why, what’s he doing?” “He’s pulling all your swedes up and trying his bowler hat on ’em!” Zi Zi Zi THE TIMID GIRL. “My gal saw a mouse yesterday,” an--1 nounced ('actus Joe. “She’s powerfully afeard of ’em.” “What did she do?” queried Alkali Ike. “Picked up a rattlesnake and whipped it to death.” zi zi sc THE LONG AND THE SHORT. Two people, both obviously English, went into a Lille restaurant the other day. The man was unusually tall—just over six feet six inches, but the lady well under five, and their disproportion tickled the humour of the French waiter: “Mon DieU,” he said, “le franc et la livre.” sc sc sc NOT HIS FAULT. “Awfully sorry, old man, we can t dine with you next week—too busy.” “What on earth do you mean ? Only this morning you told me you had nothing on next week.” “I know, old man, but—er—my wife and I don’t always think alike.” AT THE FIRST'STAGED Jock met his friend Sandy in the street. “Sandy,” he said, “I wonder if you could oblige me wi’ a cigarette?” “But I thocht you said you’d stoppit smokin'?” said Sandy, reluctantly. “Aye, weel,” replied Jock, “I’ve reach ed the first stage. I've stoppit buyin’.” NOT WITHOUT AUTHORITY. The stationmaster on the East Indian Railway had been given strict orders not to do anything out of the ordinary without authority from the superintendent. This accounts for his sending the following telegram “Superintendent's Office, Calcutta: “Tiger on platform eating conductor. Please wire instructions.” K a*. m lIE GOT IT. The baby was crying. Mother (in another room): What's the matter? Nurse: He wants a Never mind what he wants. Give it to him. In a few minutes the baby s cries grew louder. Mother: Why don’t you give him what he.wants? Nurse: I did. mum. It was a wasp. DONE* FOR. | Her father had made much money, and he said to Jenkins, who had just asked for his daughter’s hand: ‘ Would you love my daughter just as much if she had no money.'” “Why, certainly,” replied Jenkins. “Enough!” exclaimed the rich man. “f don’t Want anv half-wits in this family!” And he escorted the blushing youngster to the door.