Fun and Fancy

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17729, 26 December 1925, Page 19 (Supplement)

Fun and Fancy

“What letter comes next to 'H'?” demanded the teacher. “Please, miss, I don't know." answered Tommy, “Weli, what have I on each side of my nose?" pressed the mistress, “kooks like powder, miss,” responded the bright pupil. The nervous new actor had only a small part, but he spoilt that. He had to rush on and shout: “My lord, the Queen has swooned! ” At the critical moment he dashed on to the stage, crying: “My lord, the sween has cooned! ” Then he had another try. “My lord, the coon has sweened!” Io despair, he added, hurrriedly: “Anyway, the old lady’s gone off the deep end! ” “Is she wealthy?” “Wealthy? She’s *o wealthy that she can afford to wear diamonds.” “I sometimes wonder how Bright gets on so well with people; he’s so strong in his opinions, you know. ‘ Oh, he i always has opinions enough to suit all tastes.” Diner: “I’d like a juicy, tender steak, medium done, with a lump of butter on top.” Waiter: “That would be very nice, sir. And now, what will you actually have?” A couple were touring in Sicily. At a distance from one of the large towns the wife said: “Think, Albert, if the brigands should come now and take me from you!” “Impossible, my dear." “But supposing they did come and take me from you!” “Impossible, my dear.” “But supposing they did come and carry me away. What would you say?” “I would say,” replied the husband, “that the brigands were new at the business —that's all.” “Half a|.dozen doctors have given Mabel up.” “Really! What is the matter with her?” “She simply wouldn’t pay their bills.” “Hard lines about poor Smith, wasn t it?” said Jones, gloomily. “What happened to him?” asked Brown. “He’s got so far behind with his rent that he had to marry his landlady.' “At least,” said the positive man, “I have the courage to say exactly what I think at all times.” “That isn’t courage,” rejoined Miss Cayenne, “lhats bad judgment.” Bob: “Why do they put a cock on the top of a church instead of a hen?” Jack: "Dunno.” Bob: “’Cause it would be too far to fetch the eggs.” 3S :•! A: “X am a man of few words.” B: “Shake: hands- I’m married, too.” “Isn’t it rather difficult to officiate at a double wedding?” the clergyman was asked. “Not at all. It’s just like putting two and two togeher,” was the reply. A rich man told a poor man that he worked to get a stomach for his meat. “And I.” said the poor man, “work to get meat for my stmach.”

Mother: “Yes, those little boys next door have no fatrer or mother, and no kind Aunt Jane. Wouldn’t you like to give them something?” Willie: “Yes, mamma! Let’s give them Aunt ** * * When General Lafayette attended Lamarque’s funeral the crowd took the horses out of his carriage, and drew him home themselves. "Were you not honoured and pleased?” asked a friend. “Very much pleased," replied Lafayette, “but 1 never saw my horses again.” Miss Young: ‘They say the way to 'please a man is to talk to him about himself.” Mrs \\ yse : ‘ Not exactly, m> dear; the way to please him is to let him talk to you about himself. The housemaid, tidying up on the morning after a reception, found a solid silver teaspoon. “My goodness! she exclaimed. “One of the guests must have had a hole in his pocket.” A- “Are vou enjoving that cigar, old fellow?" B: “Well, I’ve got to. It cost a shilling-” “How are you getting on?” “Good! I’ve got the material for a first-class novel.” “You’re a lucky man.” "That’s not all. I’ve got the material for a splendid comedy besides.” ‘A ou arc fortunate.” “Yes: but what I really need is the material for a new suit. She: “It was just three years ago tonight that you proposed." He: “What do you want to bring that up for on the only night of the week 1 have away from business?” Ladv: “You’re a big, healthy chap. Whv don’t you go to work.'” Tramp: “Lady, I’ll tell you my trouble. I'm an unhappy medium.” Lady: “Whatever's that?” “Well, you see. lady, I m too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.” “So your daughter's married, I hear! T expect you have found it very hard to part with her?” “Hard! I should think so. Between you and me, my boy, I began to think it was impossible.” Mick: “Betty is very slow.” Mack: “She certainly is. It has taken her thirty years to reach twenty.” Fair Patient: “Have you any idea what is the matter with me, doctor?” Doctor: “Why, I can diagnose your case with my eyes shut! There is nothing the matter with you except that you need rest-” Fair Patient: “Why, I have just come back after a whole month at Dunedin.” Doctor: “Yes, as I said, you need rest.” Motor: “Well, Johnny', I shall forgive you this time, and it was rather nice of you to write a letter to say you're sorry.” Johnny: “Yes, ma. Don’t tear it up, please." “Why not?” “Because it will do next time.”