Fun and Fancy

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17527, 2 May 1925, Page 19

Fun and Fancy

Bride: “ I'm so afraid people will find out iha. ve're just married chat I’ve asked Jack .o reat r.e in public as if he had no thought of anyone but himself.” Mrs Portyodct: “My dear, I ! adopted that plan when I was married, and my husband never got over it.” ! “I have just become engaged to vlie j dearest girl in the world t ” “Well, cheer up, old man. T hope vou won't find her quite so expensive as all that!'’ When a woman insists that a certain thing is a certain tiling, anv normal man knows that a certain thing is a certain thing. “He's a terribly polite man. mn’t hex'” “I should say so. Why, I believe lie would even take off Ins bat to bow to the inevitable.” Mr Slater: “ What is that child howiing for now?” Mrs Slater: ‘ He wants his own wav.' 1 Mr Slate,; “Well, it's his. Why don't you let him have it?’ Muriel: ‘“They went to the lake district for their honeymoon, and Glaclyt was miserable ’ Nell: " Why. what was the trouble?“ “Jim fell in love with the scenery.” Sunday School Teacher: “I'm afraid. Johnny, that 1 shah neve, meet you in the better land.” Johnny: “ Why? : What have you been doin’ now?' 1 “ Faith, it's curious.” said a travelled Irishman the other day. “how these little disease insects do be called in different places. In Germany they cjjlls Ireland, we calls eni mike-robes.” Mrs X.: “So the musical conductor’s wife has left him?" Mrs V.: “ Yes; she couldn’t stand his airs.” Faith is believing the dentist when he says it isn't going to hurt. The hen-pecked husband sighed as he listened to his wife’s tirade. “ Ah, well-” lie s;?id at length, “I suppose it's my own fault for marrying a crossword puzzle.” “Mine has been "an ideal marriage.” he exclaimsd. “ My wife and J share our sorrows, our joys, our ambitions, our hopej, our A Scotsman interrupted: “What aboot conversation?” Mistress <indignantly 1 : “Mary, whatever did you mean oy wearing my new evening chess at the dance last night? Really, you ought to have been ashamed of yourself!” Mary (meekly) “I was, ma’am ; you never heard such remarks as they made.” Mrs Style sank on to the couch in her boudoir with a sigh of weariness. ‘ I’m very tired,' she sighed to her new maid. “Bring me something 1 can slip into.” “Oi will that, mum,” replied Norali. After a rather long interval, the maid returned bearing a tray, on which was a thick steak with fried onions, and a 'bottle of stout. “Now, just be after slippin’ inco that, mum,” said Norah. “It'll'der ye a. power o’ good, intoirely.” Some people are always ready to contradict;. For instance, a surly traveller in Wales was addressed by a lady in his carriage. “ Good -gracious ! ” she said. “Aren’t those mountains high!” “Only the tops of them,' he grunted. A suitable category. “How will I enter the money the cashier skipped with? ' asked the bookkeeper. “ Under- the,profit and loss?” “No; suppose you put it under running expenses?”

Diner: “Look here, this steak isn’t /it for a dog to eat!” Manager: ' Sony, sir; if you’ll wait five minutes ..’ll send you up one chat is.” Hardup: ‘ You can't lend me a couple pf pounds, I suppose?” Friend: “‘That's true; but how did you know Wife: “This pudding is a sample of ihe new cook’s work. What do you think of it?” Husband: “I call it mediocre.” Wife: “No, dear; it's tapioca.” Manager: “ What did you take to that table over there? Was it two whiskies and one cocktail, or two cocktails and one whisky?” Boy: “Yes.” Manager: “Yes? "Yes what?” Boy: “ Yes, sir! ” A special preacher was asked if he •would like any particular hymn to be sung to agree with his sermon. “ No,” he replied. “ The fact is, I seldom know what I am going to say until I arrive it the pulpit.” “ Well, in that case,” said the vicar. “we had better have the.hymn, 4 For those at sea.’ ” An Irishman and a priest were walking along a country lane together, when the latter thought he would have a little fun at Pat's expense. Seeing a donkey in a field, he said: “Do you see your brother, Pat?” “Yes, father/' The touring car had turned upside down, burying the motorist beneath it. The village constable was not to be thus turned from his duty. “ It's no use your hiding there,” said he severely; “I must have your name and address.” An old golf caddie was asked bv a. beginner what was the best thing to use for cleaning golf balls. “ Whisky,” replied the caddie. “ Indeed, and how do you use it?” “Oh. I just swallow the whiskv and then I breathe on the balls.” Mrs Brown: “1 saw the duckiest little hat this afternoon.” Mrs Robinson: ‘ Did you buy it?” Mrs Brown: “Not yet. I’ve got to pick out a more expensive one for my husband to refuse to buy, so that I can comproInterviewer: “What is your wife’s favourite dish?” Husband of Film Actress: “In the magazines it is peach bloom fudge cake wiih orange wisp salad, but at horns it is tripe and onions.” • .■ .'k-.-.j “ Look here.” said one irate clubman t.o another, “ did you say my wife had a face like a bull-terrier?” “I did,” answered the other; “what about it?” “ Take off your coat!” shouted the irate one. “ Nobody’s going to say things against that dog and get away with it.” NEITHER. Richardson : Look here, Mumby, ■we’ll soon settle the matter; Jet’s ask the waiter! -Waiter, are tomatoes a iruit or a vegetable? Waiter : Neither sir. Tomatoes is a extra! GREAT, INDEED-. Jones: What sort of a time ia vour friend having on his motor-car tour? Smith: Great! I’ve had two letters from him —one from a police station and the other from a hospital. Two builders' labourers talking about St Paul’s. “What's this?” said one. “Two million quid for lowering St Paul's one-three-thousandth of an inch!’ “Bill,” said the other; “wish they'd pay us by the inch instead of by the hour.”—London “ Evening News. ’