FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 17218, 8 December 1923, Page 4 (Supplement)

FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.

SOME YARNS WORTH TELLING. TWO BEDS ABE BET i'EK. “ J. Avant a room with twin beds,” insisted the mid-winter traveller, “ Certainly,” replied the clerk, “but what an odd request from a mai. travelling alone-” “ Remaps,” rotumed the traveller, “but Avhen I spent a night hero las. Avnter 1 had oniy half enough cover, for one.” A UTILITY SHOULDER, ‘/There is some discussion,” said the young wife, ‘of the most beautii snouider in tjie world. I’m not great ly interested in that, but the moauseful shoulder in tho world to* m«. is the one 1 cry on.” AGAINST TIME. Customer; But you guaranteed this watch would last mo a lifetime, Clerk : Certainly ; but you looke*. pretty sick the day you bought it, THE INTERVIEWER INTERVIEWED. Tho president of tho Young Murderesses’ Protectivo Association, having sharpened her pencil on the sole of her shoe, proceeded to ask the young man ivho writes the “ sob sister’s ’ ’stories about murders tho following questions ; ‘ 1 Do you believe that any y-oung woman, provided she is beautiful, couk. commit murder, even though sho insisted that she had? “Is it not just as well, Avhen there is a reasonable doubt, to hang the olu ladies who may be suspepted ot murder, so as to give justice a 50-50 deal? “Do you not think it would be a perfectly lovely plan for the State to pifcsent each bride with a silver-platen revolver upon the issuance of the marriage license? “ Should not every mother advise her daughters Avhen entering matrimony to give careful consideration tu the axiom, ‘ Spare tho gun and spon the husband V?” 2023. “ Give me your ansiA'er, Willie—yes or no? I’m sick ctf this coquettishness,” I said. ' “ I’m doing well. Business is sure to groAV (Here conges a flash of lightning—mind your head). I’m the best pilot ill the air, they say. Just think Avhat glorious fun to have a wife Who’ll whirl you up to where the • breezes play, After that stuffy office. Whnt a life I With week-eryl j-oy-rides to the isles of Greece, And little holidays in far Fiji . . .” I nose-dived here to dodge sorae flying geese And something snapped in the machinery. The plane Avent smash as I renewed

my suit. Willi© said “No!” upon the _parachute.

' UNUSUAL OPPORTUNITY. A young Filipino saw in a- newspaper advertisement which reaa . “ Wanted : A saxophone. Must be in good condition.” Not long afterwards a swarthy young chap called at the address and said tc the advertiser : “ I Avant to accept the position as a saxophones I have never been a saxophone, but I think I can do ; it, and I am in good condition.” easy things. To Prevent.a Lamp from Smelling.— Nothing is more annoying than a lamp that keeps crawling all o\ r er the table and sniffing things. Rub its nose in To Absorb Damp in a Bedroom.—Remove the cork, place the damp to thf lips, and proceed in the usual way (This is too easy. It’s a shame to take the money.) # To Save Coal.—Procure a sixpenny monev box and place a small piece, o! coal in it every time vou light the fire. It’s astonishing how this will mount up in ten years or so. To Revive Kids.—A spoonful of brandy is a good thing, or you car bufn feathers under their noses. O another way is to soak them overnight in turpentine and hang them on the line to dry. A LETTER FROM WEST AFRICA. “ Dear Master,—l have the pleasure to regret to inform you that when 1 go bath this morning a- billow he remove my trouser. Dear Master, how can I go on duty with only one trouser ? If he get loss where am I? Kind write Accra that they send me one more trouser and so 1 catch him and go duty. Good-day Sir. My God, hoAV are you? Your loving corporal.” PASTORAL. The farmer's pink-cheeked daughter Avas coming up the lane. She was clad in a grimy pair of o\ r eralls, from the pockets of which bulged huge bunches of waste and sundry Avrenches and pliers. In her hand was a dirty satchel rattling with an assortment of iron tools. “ Where are you going, my pretty maid?” I asked- “ I’m going a-milking, sir,**? she said. “ But why the tools?’ “Trouble,” she said, “with that darned old milking machine again.” THE RETORT OBLIQUE. Farington and his friends were precipitated into an argument bv the statement; of one of them that a Scotchman ne\ r er gives a direct nnsAA-er to a question. It resulted in a considerable wager, to be settled by a test question put to a Scotchman. The question asked Avas: “Is the mail in?” The Scotchman’s ans Aver was: “Are you expecting some mail?” OVERHEARD IN THE KITCHEN. Mistress : Who broke that china jug? Maid: The cat, mum. Mistress : What eat? Maid : Whv. ain't avc got one?