Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16939, 13 January 1923, Page 4

Fun and Fancy.

Husband : “ Oh, don’t remind me of that escapade. I thought you had forgiven and—forgotten.” Wife: “ Yes, nut I don't want- you to forget that I s vo forgiven and—forgotten.” First Salesgirl : “That man to whom I just sold a five-pound box of chocolates said it was for his wife.” Second Ditto: “Is he newly married?’* First : “ Either that, or he’s done something.” Small Boy : “ Take me to the pictures, mother, will yer?” Mother: “ Now, haven’t yer just been an’ had yer hair cut? You’re always a-cravin after amusement.” Wife: ‘ * Why do you go on the bal cony when I sing? Don’t you like to hear me?” Husband: “It isn’t that. T want the neighbours to see that I’m . not beating my wife.” Husband (to wife): “Do you believe in the theory that the greatness of a father often proves a stumbling-J>lock f-o the advancement of his son?” Wife. I do. But. lam thankful, John, that our boy will never be handicapped in that way.” “ The s tork has brought a little peach,” The nurse said with an air 4 t’m mighty glad.” the father said, He didn’t bring a pair.’ Jimmy: “Mr Brown has left his umbrella here again! f do believe Ti ? would leave his head if it were loose!’ •John: I dare say you’re right! J heard him say only yesterday that he was going to Switzerland for his lungs ! An Irish soldier was asked if he had met with much hospitality in India. Oh. yes, * he replied, “ too much; '1 was in hospital most of the time.” Egerton : “ Why should a man of your wealth care for money?” Goldley: “I don’t care for it. It’s the importance that other oeoplo attach to that makes the individual want to have as much ot it as possible.” Little Mabel; “Mamma, can our maid see in the dark?” Mamma: Why, dear, what makes you ask such a question?” Tittle Mabel : “I heard her talking to papa in the dark hall, and she said that he needed a shave.” Customer: “I don’t think much of this coffee.” Pert Waitress: “ You needn’t grumble. You may be old and weak yourself some day.” Musical Enthusiast* “Music speaks a universal language.” Critic: “I nave heard so. But, judging by the programme, the words of a universal language are just as hard to spell and pronounce as any others.” Professor: “The female of the species may be more deadly than the male, but the male js more destructive!” Young Student: “But, at the same time, you can always flatter a woman by talking of the hearts she has broken!” “ Where am I?” the invalid exclaimed, waking from the long delirium of lever and feeling the comfort that loving hands had supplied. “ Where am I --in Heaven?” “No. clear.'’ cooed his wife, “ T am still with you.” The owner of a car of doubtful vintage concluded that it needed overhauling. After the garage assistant had walked around it several times he remarked: “That’s a good horn you have. Let’s jack it up and run a pew car under it.” “ Whom does the baby resemble?” asked the visitor. “Ifl am correct!\ informed,” replied the proud father. “he gets his beautiful eyes from my wife*® family and his weak chin from mine.” A man who had become moderate!v rich as a result of a couple of not verv unfortunate fires, contemplated ih< purchase of a small kinema in the Midlands. “Do you think it will go?” he asked a friend. “ Why shouldn’t it?” said the friend. “ It’s all wood.” “Don’t you think long hair make, a man look awfully intellectual?” “It depends. My wife found a long hair cn my coat sleeve yesterday, and i • Hiked o perfect asa.“ “My memory is excellent.” sa jd Smith, “ but there are three things T can remember ; I can’t remem her names, I can’t remember faces, and 1 can’t; remember—l forget the third Neighbour: “T ’oar Billy’s doing turn at the Hippodrome.” Mother: “Yes.” Neighbour: “What’s *e do?” Mother: “*E turns up the seats after, the first *ousc.” “Is there a doddering idiot on this telephone?” shouted Mr Podgers flown the transmitter. “ Not at this end,” came the reply from the Exchange. Teacher: “Now, Willie, if you were standing facing the south, what would nou have on your right hand?” Willie. “ Please, teacher, four fingers and a thumb.” Teacher: “Willie, did your father cane you for what you did in school yesterday?” Willie: “No, ma’am. He said the licking would hurt him more than me.” “ What nonsense! Your father is too sympathetic.” “ No. ma’am ; but lie’s got the rheumatism m both arms.” Policeman: “I think, sir, you had better take the Tube home. ’ Beveller . “ ’Sno use. My wife wouldn’t let ma keop it in the house.” Doits: to ’les, her "husband robbed he of every penny she had.” Dora. “Poor dear! And she only married him because she was afraid of burg- __ Suitor: “ Mr Simpkins, I have courted your daughter for fifteen years.” Mr S. : “Well, what do you .want?” Quitor: “To marry her.” Mr S. : “Well, I*m hanged! I thought you wanted a pension or something.” Mother: “ Now. Mollie, can you to"! me the name of a animal that supplies us with food and clothing?” Mollie Cbrightly) : “ Farver.” Boarder Con leaving) : “ Madam, you are one of the most honest persons I have ever met.” Landlady: “I am glad to hear you say that, sir.” “Yes, your honesty is remarkable. On your sign you say, ‘Boarders taken in.’” Proud Mother (holding crying babe"): “Well, Uncle Ned, isn’t he just the sweetest little cherub in the world? “I’m not much up on cherubs, Lucy,” said t/he uncle, “ but as a specimen of plain human baby he’s certainly » howling success.”

Mistress: “ Maggie, I can’t have you entertaining policemen in the kitchen.” Maggie: “Sure, ruum, an’ it’s a big heart, ye have. I was Rayin’ to Michael O’Flinn only' last night that if T d spake th’ word ye’d let us have thu drawin’-room.” Old Lady: “Poor fellow, you’re an ex-airman and got. hurt going up in a flying-machine?” Tramp: “I’m a truthful man, mum—l got hurt coming down.” ' She: “ You don’t love me as much as you used to.” He: “ Yes, I do, my dear, but I have exhausted ray \ c cabulary.” “This is my only.child, little Margarine.” “ Heavens! What a name!” • Well, you .see, 1 haven’t any but Highbrow Son: “No, I don’t liko her at all—horribly vulgar woman—calls her husband ’Arold!” Self-made Father (vaguely): “Ah!” (pause), • well, but ain’t ’is name ’Arold?” The Student: “It’s simply maddening to hear a person say ‘ ain’t ’ when he should have said ‘ isn’t ’ ” The Other: “Ain’t it, though?” Elsie: •• Did you ever sec anybody so dreadfully slow a.s Charlie?” Jack: ■ Oh. 1 don’t know. They say lie plays a pretty fast game of chess.” Rector (going his rounds): “Fine pig that, Mr Dibbles; uncommon fine!” Contemplative Villager : “ Ah, yes, sir. if we was only all of us as fit to die a.s him, sir!” Ho (thinking of ways and means): •\f really feel, darling, that 1 am hardly justified in taking you from your father’s roof.” She: “Oh. that’s quite all right. I don’t live on the roof.” Master Tom : “ Stand in the corner—what for?” His Mamma : “ Because you are a bad boy.” Master Tom: • Can’t 1 be a bad boy here just as well?” Father: “I never smoked when 1 was your age. Will you be able to tell that to your son when you are my age?” Son: “ Not with as straight i face as you do, father.” “Now, my little boys,” asked a school teacher, “ can any of you name : liquid that doesn’t freeze?” There uas a moment’s silence, and then o voice answered: “Please, teacher, hot water!” Jack: “ I love you, dear,- will you marry me.” Jill: “ But I refused you only a few days ago!” Jack: “Was that you?” Amateur; Augler: “I suppose the next thing the fish will be muzzled.” A Professional Fisherman: “You needn’t worry if they ain’t. They .* on’t bite.” Blind Beggar (who has been advised t<» go to work) : “ And what would \ou have me work at—me blind from • irth?” Old Gentleman: “ Why, ray iiieud, many of your colleagues have uueeded splendidly as diplomats.” Doctor: “ Did that cure for deafness leally help your brother?” Pat: Sure enough; he hadn’t heard a sound for years, and the day after he took that medicine he heard from a .liend in America.” Mr Mugg: “ Wilson is having the interior of his new house decorated ith a rather ornate frieze.” Mrs .Mugg: “That’s appropriate. He has made his money in the ice business, you know.” Gertie: “We women bear pain better than men.” Bertie: “Who told ,ou that—your doctor?” Gertie: ' No; my shoemaker.” Bobby: “ Are you the trained nurse manuua said was coming?” The .Muse: “Yes, dear. I’m the trained nurse.” Bobby ; “ Let’s see some of your tricks.” Perkins: “ I wonder why they named this picture theatre the Beehive?” A ark in : “ Have you over seen any of heir pictures?” “Never.” “ Well, you do, you’ll know' the reason, all ght, because after each one you feel *- though you’d been stung!” Lady: “ I’m worried about my coraIcxion, doctor. Look at my face!” doctor: “ You’ll have to diet.” Lady: 1 never thought of that. What col- • ii' would suit me best, do you think?” Pamela: “ Rhoda changed her brown ; ail to red, in spite of her fiancee’s pleading not to do so.” Neville. How could she so disregard a loved '•ic’s dyeing request ?” Briggs: “I hear that lightning •t.i nek Speeder's big new motor-car.” I'liomson : “ Well, Speeder claims that i; his motor-car that struck the Business Man : “ Why do poets I»e-L-’i so many verses with the meaningloss word O’?” Poet: “Why do business men start so many letters with the equally meaningless phrase, ‘Dear Bolshevik’s Son: “ Mother, you have no constitutional right to send me to bed without my supper.” Mrs Bolshie: “ What do you mean, Ivan?” “ You are governing without the consent of the governed.” Mistress (to new maid) : “ Mary, we have breakfast at eight o’clock sharp.” Maid; “If I’m not down on time, don’t wait for me.” Young Man (at amateur concert): • Did you ever hear such a horrible, discordant, ear-si>litting— ” Old Gentleman : “ Sir, that singer is my daughter, and—” Young Man: “I was about to say, sir, such an earsplitting clatter as those idiots behind are making. Why. 1 can’t hear a word of the song.” “ Oh, doctor!” exclaimed the woman patient, “ I was suffering so much that I just wanted to die.” “ Well,” said the physician. “ you did right to call me in at once!” He was new to the church, and he was conceited. “ I have been addressing a congregation of asses,” he said to an old college chum after preaching his first sermon. “ And you began Dear Brethren,’ ” turned his friend. Long: “ T dined at my fiancee’s home yesterday.” Short: “I suppose they regard you as one of the i'amilv by now, don’t they?” “Nor exactly.' Tliev liaren’t reached the point where they j-hriek at me if I make a spot on the tablecloth.”