Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16875, 28 October 1922, Page 4

Fun and Fancy.

Bobbie: “I spent nine hours on my algebra last night.” Jackie: “ You sv/ot !” “ Yes; 1 put it under the mattress and slept on t!” .Riley* “ Do you believe that doctors have a right to kill where they can’t cure? ” Green; “ Haven't they always been doing it? ” Mason : “ The truth is elastic.” Jeannes: “ Yes: don’t stretch it unless you want it to fly back and sting you.” Youth : “ What’s your advice for a long and happy married life. Mr Dar by?” Darby: “It’s easy. ‘A kiss a day keeps divorce away.’ ” Sinks: ‘‘ Her mistress t-olcl the maid she did not clean the room.” Dinks: “ How did the inaid answer the charge? ” ‘ She made a sweeping de nml.” Chorus Girl (who has turned down young Spendleigli) : ‘‘l hope T haven’t broken his heart.” Her Friend: “ You certainly have! You have broken it right in half!” “In half! What do you mean?” “ 1 mean that- he takes two girls out to supper every night She: “ Have you any secrets in your past? ” He; “ None to speak of.” Customer: “Waiter, a little bird told me thi‘9 coffee was not strained.” Waiter; “ A little bird, sir? ” Customer : “ Yes. a swallow.” Steve: "Miss Belle was married the year she came out.” Joe: “ What you might call being nipped in the bud!” Whitehead: “Is electricity really the best medium for lighting?” Shortman : “ Well, that is the current belief.” Visitor: “What lovely furniture!” Uttle Willie: “ Yes; T think the man we bought it from is sorry now he sold it —he’s always calling.” “ Your father is entirely bald, isn’t he? ” said a man to the son of a millionaire. “ Yes.” replied the youth i sadly, “ I’m the only heir he has.” J

' Teacher: “\Yhat is the different-e between electrir-ipy and lightning?" \Villie; "You don’t have to pay for lightning, " l '.” 3 Old Lady: “T want the Bank ufi England." Poligb Pnlir‘emnn: “ l'm afraid ( can’t lei. you huw‘ it inn‘nln.” is A Toar'hel‘: “ “Villin. who “‘11.: ('r- l (-lops?" \Villie: " Plcaw. tom-hm} he} was the ma mvho “Tote the vyc‘lo-fi pat-Ilia.” E 0..- 1 Howell: “The throwing of i'ir'o at; wedding: is denounced as n vrlnngm'ous } onstom." T’ou'ell : “ But. surely une ! additional danger at a wedding lil hardly worth r-onsidering." E .8» ; Lodger: “What :1 frightful nniscl your cat's bowl] milking nhmii the] l’rure tho his; low days!" l.:|n«ll:I-:llv: , "Yc-R sir. he.“, a porfert nuisance hue ‘ l)‘. Ernr since he ate the cuuar) 113 i thinks he can sing." I.C s Reggie. (to mother‘): “Oh. nmthr‘r. rlu look at. this fat lady.” .‘ilnthm-S (shocked); “ ”nth. Noggin: ,Vnn filii'llllzl ‘ say stout lni’l-s, not. fat” llnilm’i (next day an dinner-fable}: " i'loggie. l will you take a little fut?" Rc-gg‘rio:i “ Nov thank vou. mobhmj. I will take! a little smut." ( ._. l The HeirQSS: “The man T nmrr; E must be \‘E‘TV handsome. nfrnitl of: nothing. and riei'vr. Money‘s no oh I govt to me." ‘.\lr Stonibrolie: “ This is destiny—fate has brought 115 1(1- i gether.” j 9*. : Gough: “ Have you honrrl that yarn:- 5 3‘ out, the Stuntman who tipped a Lnxl . driver a shilling?" )lcxab: “NO. I.” haven’t." “Nor have I." i i «0“.» l “ \"hat do \‘oll mPnn by going out In l get your hair .nt. in the firm's time? ‘ l . demanded the fartory foreman to :2! machine hand. Tho bland reply was: ’4 “ “'ell, ’air grows in firin's time. (lon‘=~ i ' it?” E = 0.! l. . Mrs Greene: “ Surely you are wrong. l i in rhinking the birds a nuisance. They 1 devour the insects and caterpillars." : M'r Gardener: “ I’m glad you told me. i i lt's a great m‘msnlation to know that l ‘ they eat my fruit merely for dessert.” ; ‘ ... ! Disappointed Housewife: “ But if I i can’t get meat. What am 1 goin’ ter ii give my old man for ’is dinner?” . Butcher: “Chop up a couple of ban— ] arias. and give ’irn them on bread. ‘ 1 Hrmsewife (sarcastioally): “ You give i : it to ’im 2" j i

Teacher: ” W'hat», fighting again. Tommy?" Tommy: "Johnny Jones started it.” Teacher: “' But ~\‘ou know at Sunday School you learn that if an (‘nomv smitos you on 011" vhopk you Should tm‘n tlw other?“ Tommy: “ Yes. mn'nnL an he hit- me on the hose. and ‘I ain’t got but- ono. 250 I had to pyitch in and lir‘k him.” .0. Gonrge: “ I can‘t- get, any speed out pf the motor—Cur )ou sold me. You told me you had been summnusod six nmes while driving it." Harold: “So I was. old ('hapi—for obstruoting the highway I" .~‘ Mrs Smith raw on 1101' first (moan vn) ;I;_'€‘. “ \‘flmt's that rlmvn 11101“? " 51H asked 0] the captain. pointing in 111: rather nvf-I‘r-l'mvdor': moi-rage. " 'l'h;it‘< lhr‘ STPV‘l'szf‘. madam." hr I‘o— “RmlH‘X‘V‘ (‘Xa‘luimml (11w “-1man in surprnr': " and (Ines H mkv nu tllfist" prnplr- 1n mnkv 11w hmu go straight? " ‘3 Daddy; “ Xn‘ yunr mnthm’ nm‘r‘!‘ (Ll'mwtl rhr' “'a) you {_ril'l‘ fl.” In.‘(l‘.l‘\' LO «ntx'h n ‘lHlmhk‘lHLH Dnnghtor: “ch‘ but look what, 51120 not." a. Comnu-rcial Traveller: “ My love for )011, my dour Lmlisu. C‘u‘eml» anything Hmt van he offvrml in thuL particular line‘.” a.“ Pastonunr (Ln hrmlx'inz r-Inrk); “ 'l‘hrne. pounds Ion? 3-3;. gnarl mun, 1 (lnn‘t “um [n 1m) (Ha-gnu: [ only “-4.1” 10 g” thr‘rh I“ .3 Luwym‘: “Tim prisnnm mm prnro Thuf fit llm dnu‘ tins fight inivk pinto in the main sLu'm 1m R 1» in an Hdifl~ («-11% alloy." Mrnx‘nflumrz “ Uh, In wants tn prm’c an alleybyl" .n. )Hss Oldun: “ Dir‘m’b I hear him re~ mark tn you that T was vary sensible {or my years? " Mis< Blunt: "N 0 ncnr, He said ynn were '\'(’!‘)‘ sensitive a‘mmt. your years" 3* She: “Harold. T wish you “70111 an be quite so scornfu! of a” hair Ihut isn’t quldvn!” Ho: “Don’t, you lin my lanw. dear?" Shh: “0f v‘nurw 1: do. But sump ul' HID gil'lA I ‘~|u)'.\‘ them to haven’t gulden l-nir." 1

I Doctor : “ Your trouble is dyspepsia : you should laugh heartily before and after your meals.” Patient: “Impossible, doctor. I cook them myself and ! then I wash the dishes.” Wife: “The tailor said he couldn’t make the dress for less than fifteen guineas, so I told him to go ahead.” I Husband: “Why in the world didn’t j you ask me first?” Wife: “1 didn’t want to spend any money telephoning, I dear.” Mother: “No, Eric, for the third time, you can’t have another sixpence.” .Eric: “Well, really, mum, 1 j don’t see where dad gets the idea that ! you’re always changing your mind.” ! Customer: “You don’t seem very quick at figures, my boy?” Newsboy. “ I’m out o’ practice, sir. You see, most of the gents say, ‘ Keep the | change.’ ” “ I’m afraid, Johnny,” said the Sunday school teacher, sadly, “ that 1 ! shall never meet you in the better land.” “Why? What have you been doin’ now?” “ Have yon any complaints to make” asked the prison visitor. “ Yes, I have,” replied the life convict. There ain’t nearly enough exits from this place.” Proud Mother: “ What do you think of little Arthur as a violinist?” Professor: “I like the way he puts his fiddle back into the case.” N Teacher: Jimmy. give me three proofs that the worl lis round.” Jimmy: “ Well you say so. pa says so, and ma says so.” Actress : “ Did you write that criticism saying mv impersonation of ‘ Th> Deserted Wife’ was a failure?” Critic: “ Yes, you see. you looked c,o perfectly beautiful that it was impossible to imagine any man deserting you.” It was a pessimist who, upon finding a roll of five pound notes, turned them over with his foot and exclaimed “Just my rotten luck; not a tenner amongst them !” Waiter: “The customer over there is very fussy, sir.” Manager: “Well, we can’t afford to tell him so. Let him fuss.” Waiter: “Rut he says i the soup isn’t fit for a pig.” Man- I ager : “Then take it away, and get j him some that is.”