Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16780, 8 July 1922, Page 4

Fun and Fancy.

Husband: “A wife’s place is in the home." "Wife: “Maybe, but home’s where the heart is, and my heart's at the picture show." Glyn : “ Don't you find it hard these times to meet expenses?” Wynne: • Hard? Man alive, I meet expenses at every turn!” Bertie : “ I never try to parade my virtues.*’ Gertie: “No. It needs at least two to make a parade.” “ I don’t understand why mothers can’t see the faults in their own children,” said Mrs Jones to Airs Smith. “Do yen think you could?” asked Mrs Smith. ‘ Certainly F could, if my children had any.”

“Pa, what is a weather prognosticator?” “ A weather prognosticator, my son. is a man who predicts what sort of weather we are going to have.” But bow does he know?” “ I didn’t say he knew.” Little Brother: “Mr Johnson, won't you go and stand before the window?” Mr Johnson: “Certainly, my little man; but why?” Little Brother: “Oh, nia says she can see through you, and I want to see if I can.” Lady Client: u This bill for £260 for removing wrinkles and straightening my nose is an outrage I I—” Beauty Specialist: “Ah, madam, but you must remember beauty is skinned, deep 1” First Roaster: “What’s the matter with that black leghorn hen?” Second Ditt-o: “Shell shock. Ducks came out of the eggs she had been sitting on.” Jane: “I want you to forget. Mary, that I told you I. didn’t mean what T said about not taking back my refusal to change my mind. I was mistaken in the first place.” What did she mean? Air Henpeck : “Don’t use that powder on my face.” Barber: “ Why not? It has a delicate, lasting scent.” Air Henpeck: “That’s just it. Aly wife wouldn’t believe me.” Reggie : “If it's a fair question—” M-uriel: “Well?” “Is that golden hair of Ella’s dyed?”

Agent (entering office): 44 I’ve an attachment for your typewriter, sir. which—” Busy Man: “ Well, settle it with her. Your love affairs are no concern of mine.” Tommy, you wrote this excuse yourself." “Why, teacher, my papa wrote that excuse.” “Do you mean to tell me your father doesn’t know how iti> spell ‘please ’?” “ I don’t believe he does, ma’am. I’ve never heard him sav that word to nia or me.” Friend: “Was Miss Filmstar angry when she found you had forgotten to turn the handle of the machine? 4 ’ Camera Man: “ Not after I had said that I became so engrossed in her acting that J forgot what I ought to have been doing.” Farmer A : 44 So yjbur boy's got home from college. Does he take any inter-

est in the farm?” Farmer B: “ He’s beginning to. He’s been showin’ rae where we could have a fine golf course j an’ how easy ’twould be to turn the ! barn into a garage.” j Dons: “ I thought you were going to j kiss me when you puckered up your lips just now.” Jack: “No—er—it was only a piece of grit in my mouth.” Doris; “'Then for goodness sake swallow it—you need some!” Walter found his mamma talking to n very stout woman. “ Walter,” said his mother. “ this is your great-aunt,” ‘Yes.” said Walter, gazing at her ample proportions, “she looks it!” “ Tommy,” said his mother severely, 1 ‘ there were two pieces of cake in the pantry this morning, and now there’s only one. How is that?” I don’t know,” replied Tommy regretfully. “It must have been so dark I didn’t see the i other piece.” *•• j “ Can your little baby brother talk yet?” a kindly neighbour inquired of a small lad. “No; he can’t talk, and there ain’t no reason why he should talk,” was the disgusted reply. “ What does ho want to talk for, when all he has to do is yell a while to get everything in the house that's worth having?”

“"William, wake up!” she whispered. ‘ I’m sure I heard a burglar downstairs. You’d better go down and tee.” ‘ Aly goodness, woman.” he replied sleepily, “ what a. low opinion you must have of me! I'm not in the habit of hob-nobbing with burglars.” “Did y'ou see the fox. my man?” asked the huntsman. “ No-oa, Oi did not,” replied the rustic- “ How long have you been here?” “Fourteen years,” came the reply. Alanager (to applicant for office vacancy) : “Aren’t you the boy who applied For this position a fortnight ago. - ' Boy: “ Yes. sir.” Alanager: “ And didn’t T say T wanted an older boy?” Boy Yes, sir; that’s why I’m here now.” Father of the Family: “You girls are always talking about dresses Can’t you find a higher plane of conversation?” “Yes. pa. Now we are going to talk about hats." Airs Style : “ Your prices are getting awfully high ! You’re charging twice as much for cleaning this pair of gloves as I paid for cleaning a. dinner-gown last week.” Laundry Clerk: “Yes, ma’am. You see, there are two gloves ” A Cockney while crossing the Strand accidentally trod on a Scotsman’s foot. “ Oot, mon !” exclaimed Sandy. “ Got yourself!” replied the Cockney. “I’m not a blooming motor-car.”