Fun and Fancy.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 16738, 20 May 1922, Page 4

Fun and Fancy.

Barber : “ How do you like our new oatmeal soap?” Victim (in chair) : “ Seems nourishing, but I’ve had my breakfast.” Peters: “Are you wearing your last year’s clothes?” Samuels: ‘ Yes, and probably next year’s, too.” Old Gentleman : “ How you do stutter, my poor lad ! Did you ever go to a stammering school?” Urchin: “ No-n-no. sit, 1 dud-dud-do this nnaturally.” Father: “ Now, in the go-od old days. my boy ” Son : “ You mean the good old nights, dad.”

She (pettishly) : “I don’t see why it is that you find poker so fascinating.” Tactful Husband : “ It’s the queens in the pack, my dear. They remind me so much of you." Mavis: “What do you think of a man who marries for money?” Gilbert: “He undoubtedly earns every penny he gets.” Jimmie : ‘‘ Isn't ‘ wholesome * a funny word. fat lie r ? ” Father: “ What’s tfunny about it?” “ Whv. you take away the whole of it, and you have some left.”

Patient: “Ts my mouth open wide enough, dentist?” Dentist: “Oh, yes. ma’am ! T shall stand outside while drawing the tooth.” Tom (as they glide round to tHe tune of a dreamy waltz): “After all. what are kisses good for?” Kitty (demurely): “Their face value.”

Hubby: “Aren’t you almost ready, dear?” Wife (with irritation)Why do you keep asking me that question? Haven’t I been telling you for the last half-hour that I’d be ready in a minute ?” Sergeant: “ Now, then, don’t v>u know how to hold a rifle?” Recruit • “ I’ve run a splinter in me finger.” Sergeant (exasperated): “Oh. you ave. 'are you? Bin scratch in* yer cad I suppose !” “ Daughter.” said the father, “yom young man stays until a very late hour. Hasn’t your mother said something to you about this habit of his?’* “ Yes, father. Mother says men haven’t altered a bit !*’ “Just think of it ! That fellow came in and actually stole the clock right off the mantel-piece.” " And your dog was in the very same room?” “ Yes, but that doesn’t count. Fido is only a watch-dog, you know.” “ Poetry doesn’t count nowadays.” remarked the long-haired lodger. “ Neither do poets,” replied the landlady coldly.

Gentleman : “So you are looking for a square meal, eh?” Tramp: ** No. I’m looking for a round one.” Gentleman: “ T never heard of such a tiling. ; Pray what is a round meal?” Tramp: “ One that hasn’t and end to it, sir.” i i “ How old is your new teacher?” I asked Mary’s mother. “ Well, she’s ; not middleaged, like you.” said Mary. | “ I think she’s about quarter-aged.” ; Child: “So you’re my auntie?” i Aunt: “Yes, dear. T ara your Aunt : Sarah on your father’s side.” Child: “ Well, you’re on the wrong side: you’ll soon find that out!” ! Airs Hirem Often : “ Supposing. Bridget. I deducted from your wages the cost of all the dishes you broke? ” Bridget : “ Shure, mum. in that case it’s meself’d be like the dishes! ’* j Lady: “What Save you got in the j shape of cucumbers? ” Nervous assistant: “ Er—er—bananas, madam.” J “I hear that the crowd hooted you , when you appeared at the Royal i Theatre.” “ False, my hoy, false ! ” replied the eminent tragedian. “ All false. There was no crowd.” First Visitor (on hoard ship): “l tell you what, wouldn’t you like to i hear these six-pounders roar?” Second Visitor: “ No; I gei enough of it. I Our new baby’s a twelve-pounder.” I His Better-Half (regarding him from the lied room ■window): “Where you bin this hour of the night?” “I’ve i been at me union, considerin’ this ’ere' j strike ” “ Well, you can 'tay down there an’ consider this ’ere lock-out.”

He: “Madam, you promised to obey me. Do you do it? ” She: “ Sir. you promised me your worldly' goods Do I get them? ’ They tell me that~you have cured yourself of chronic insomnia.” “ Yes; I’m completely cured.” It must be a great relief.” “ Belief! I should >a.v it is. Why, 1 lie awake half the night thinking how l used to suffer from it.” I mended the. hole in your trousers’ nocket Inst night after you had gone to bed. Walter, dear. Sow. am 1 not a thoughtful little wife? ” said a young spouse to her husband. “ Well - r ye<, you are thoughtful enough, my dear, but how did you discover there was a hole in my pocket? He: “Your friend is a decided blonde." She : “ Yes ; she only decided last week ! ” Lover: “Pardon me. Professor, but last night your daughter accepted my proposal of marriage. I have called this morning to ask you if there is any insanity in your family?” Professor : “ There must be.” Sweet Seventeen (to her dancing partner) : “So sorry I trod cn your toe. Mr Briggs! ” Briggs (excessively polite): “ Not at all. Not at all. I assure you. Pardon me for having a toe.” Dibbs : “ They claim to he connected with some of the best families ” Tibbs: “By telephone?” Tvind Old Lady : “ hy are you crying like that, my little boy?” Tuttle Boy: “ 'Cause it’s the onlv wav T know how.” “Do you collect threepenny -bits ?** the painter inquired of the child. 'j oth.” she lisped. “ Here's one for collection. Now how many have "on?” “One,” replied the little fitter.

Japeman : “ Why did they elope? Did her family object to their marriage?” Sewell: “Oh, no’ It was her fathers idea He offered them half of the money he would save by their not having a grand wedding.” Husband : “Did you ever notice, my dear, that. a. loud talker is generally an ignorant person?” Wife: “ Well, you needn't shout so. I'm not deaf Dick: “ All the world loves a lover, you know.” Edna: “ You would’nt •say that if von heard what papa said when he found you had taken Ins hat bv mistake.”