STONES THAT TELL TALES.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 19842, 10 January 1920, Page 6

STONES THAT TELL TALES.

(By LAURENCE MACK.) Sir Arthur Cousin Doyle, Sir Oliver Lodge, and I>r Albert Durr ant Watson, At.])., are convinced that no one over dies. There is still, however, a considerable demand for gravestones, and much grey brain matter continues to be wasted on the manufacture of suitable epitaphs on the people under the stones, whose relatives insist that they are dead. This matter of interment and obituary is a grave one in every sense, but the churchyards of the past have had cjuaint humours which are still recurring in modified form. A Tudor inscription, designed to inculcate the blessedness of the married state, was carved on the tomb of one of Queen Elizabeth’s maids of honour; Here lyes, the Lord have mercy upon her! One of her Majestic's maids' ot •- honour; She was both young, slender, and pretty, She died a maide, the more the pity. In the ago of Queen Anne a noble compliment was paid to an occupant of the churchyard at Wingfield, Suffolk Pope boldly says (some think the maxim odd), An honest man’s the noblest work of God;' If Pope s assertion be from error clear, iho noblest work of God lies buried here. What the Poet Laureate refers to as stress ”in scansion i$ exemplified in a rhyme in Dundee churchyard: Here lies the body of John Watson; Road not this with your hats on, For why? Ho was Provost of Dundee. Hallelujah, hallejuee. On Mr Sparges, the miser, these scathing lines ; ■ Here lioth Father Sparges, Who died to save charges. • 9? e lc mos t whimsical of tributes is that on the grave of John Emery:— Ashes to ashes, dust to dust— Hero lies John Emory, 1 trust; Ami when the trumpet blows louder and louder, He 11 rise a box of Emery Powder. A justified compliment has been paid 0 the upright soul who returned to lus neighbours’ brollies:— An honest fellow here is laid: His debts in full he always paid, And, what s more rare, his neighbours tell us He sent back borrowed umbrellas. Some weird effects in memorial linos have been caused by bad punctuation as wa a the case with a member of Hie 1 Inllipps family Erected to the memory of John Pbillipps, Accidentally shot as a mark of affection by his brother. Descriptions of last illnesses have led to many ludicrous inscriptions. American churchyards abound in them. On a headboard in East Tennessee the record runs:— Hero lies H ABorn May 10, 1830; ’ Died Juno 4, 1851. She lived a life of virtue and died of cholera morbus, caused by eating green moitahty at the carlv ago of twentvonc Years ? n?onthf , -^ ™ B £i and do likewise. & tJf l V nnU ? i u° nKn,it )’ Pervades tho SL& feteL.- th 9 In memory of nn . J^ln Smith, Who met a wierlent death near this spot, 18 hundred and 40 too. Ho was shot with his own pistil, A old-fashioned brass barril. And of such is the Kingdom of Heaven. Doctors have had more than their fair share of obituary irony. The gen°f ' l, 9 rtem wit at their expense is recorded in: wi re in 8 , 1 ?, 6 ?T of J>r Chard, Who filled the half „f this churchyard One of the best epitaphs ever written was Douglas Jcrrokl’s two-word tftubU s l,rA" e " cl - oluirloS Good Knight.