ROUND ABOUT TOWN.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11763, 29 July 1916, Page 8

ROUND ABOUT TOWN.

Evil communications come on the first ol tho month.

The Old Hen sighed deeply: " Here have I been only ten minutes away, an i those I left in the nest have gone. It's awful—a body nowadays cannot find a thing where she lays it.

Hie Punctual Man wastes time, you see. With ev'rv appointment hp keeps, 'cos

he Has always to stand around and wait lo meet the Man Who is Always Late.

When the "Press" speaks of the " progressives on the- pavement," we suppose it tneans the people who have to walk as distinct from those who can purchase tho American motor-cars which are into the Dominion in shiploads—the fanners.

. The Young Reporter was on the carpet the other day, having written:— " \V Ilie Brown, the boy who was burned on the West End by a live wire " The Editor frowned weightily as ho read the statement, and with sarcastic severity proceeded: "A nd what is tho west end of a boy?'' It only took an instant to reply: "Tho end the son sets on, of course." He got a rise.

There is a story (some people are cruel enough to say that it is being revived,) about a competition held in Paris for talking parrots. The owners of the wiso fowls were to take their bird's to a large hall, and keep the cages covered until a' given signal, when the coverings wc-ro to be whipped off, and the owner of the oird which made the smartest remark would receive a substantial pi ize. People brought parrots of all sizes, colours and degrees of wickedness, and there was a large array of cages in the hall. Then the signal was given, and off came the covers. Silence for a moment, and then one wise old bird put his head on one sids and iaid, "Heavens! What a lot of parrots 1" He won.

A man connected with an institution that lends haid-up people cash on insurance policies had a policy in pawn that belonged to a gentleman from dear old Ireland. But he could not find out the Irishman's exact age, and the policy was falling due. A birth certificate was nowhere to be had,, but like a, good son of the Church the policy-owned had kept his baptismal certificate, which stated that he had been christened on June 20, 1856. The man with the policy presented this to the insurance company as formal proof' of age, and they issued a certificate which read: "We hereby certify that was born in September, 18oG. • « # The Advertising Clerk, who is suspicious of all mankind, and a gloomy pessimist. relates how he was once taken down by a cheerful gentleman who came in to advertise a birth. The A.C. told the advertiser that the announcement would cost him half-a-crown. "That's no good to me," said the new father, " I'll take a ' wanted' in the ' Star ' instead." Whereupon he nanded in the following:—Wanted known—June 16, wife of J. Smith, a son. "How many words there?" he asked., "Ten, said the A.C. " And " 1 get fourteen words for sixpence?" "Yes." "Well add' four more—" impecuniosity necessitates economical notification."

In his annual address to the Farmers' Union, Sir James Wilson referred to the extra revenue of £30,000 produced, by the war impoet on beer, and added gravely that it was to be presumed that all had contributed to this department of the revenue. Hence;— THE DISTURBING ELEMENT. So now we know; the veil is torn asunder. We know the source of brilliancy and blunder. All things mysterious; all things strange and queer Are now explained, the answer being " Beer." The sprightly gaiety of Mr Isitt; The utter gloom of J. M' Combs's Although they don't unduly advertise it Perhaps is due to Hancock, Ward, or Speight? When J. J. North, in frenzy oratoric Indulges in soliloquies historic, Ah, let the patriot dry the welling tear [f Sir James Wilson's rigiit, this may be beer. «• All"-—" All," he says! Why, you and I, unthinking, For many a year have heavily been drinking. We knew it not; that's neither there nor here, . i For Wilson knows we paid the tax on beer. 1

"I.AM A SNAPPER UP 0? UNCONSIDERED TRIFLES."

Some people run into debt and sklti out.

Tho Kaiser's reference at Peronne #> the fact that the inscrutable Almighty prevents him mixing in the fray, <s merely a variant of the patriot's wish that he were only ten years younger.

Being newly rich and newly wed, the couple wandered into the biggest and sweiiest hotel in the city for dinner. The husband was inclined to be critical. " My plate's damp," he whispered to his bride. " Ssh I 6he whispered back. " "hat's your soup. They're economical in these big hotels now, because of the war, you know."

This happened only last week, when Mrs Fendalton was making a new enlargement for the household staff. The applicant was an experienced housemaid and said so. "But do .vou know your way to announce?" inquired Mrs Fendaiton. There was a silence and the applicant proceeded: " Well, not quito, but I'm about lOst 41b."

We were sitting in a tram of—well, it doesn't matter which lino —when •. coin fell on the floor at the feet of a quiot old ge/itlomau. He picked it up and asked: " Has anyone dropped a shilling?" An affirmative leapt from the lips of the seven other fellows* iu the. cabin and the gentle old soul quietly went on: "I merely wanted to say that I've picked up a pennv of it; you might find the rtst.' 1 And the silence was not broken till we reached the Square. » »

Charlie Berkeley blew in _ the' other morning, ahead of a pantomime. Goodness knows how many years it is sine© this versatile advance* man started coming along with a bundle of posters and a stock of new stories, but ho is always as welcome as can be, for he is like a ray of sunshine. After he had told his two newest ones and showed me his new boots, I was constrained to inquire when he had first gone acting. *My boy,' 1 said Charles, in his best tragedy roannerj " I began acting many jears ago, when I was young and charming. I get tired of working in a bank and went to Auckland. There I met Grattan Riggs. 1 Lad,' said Grattan, ' would'st become a mummer? 5 And being out of a job I decided to give it a chance. So Grattan took me .to the Domain, and' torn me that the secret of being an actor was to speak up. . I struggled with my part and I spoke up until the birds got scared. Then came the opening ru&ht with Grattan's stock company. I wis sure after all my coaching that I would be a howling success. Confidently I stepped on to the , stage and spoke two lines. ' Sneak up.' yelled a stentorian gallery voice, and I fell over. Thaj:, my boy, is how I became an actor. '

V The Kaiser, in his Bpeech to tha wounded Germans at Peronne. declared that he wanted to be in the front) line fighting, but the inscrutable Almighty had decreed that his life was too valuable, and must be preserved to direct the German nation in the war. It is on this noble theme that the Ancient Jongleur builds the following touching duet:— GOTT MITT UNS. "Mien lieber Hans, do you understand Der Kaiser's brave, he is noble, grand : He'd like to pummel der wredched French, Und meet der Bridish in some proud trench, .Bud Gott he makes him behind to And see us go to der slaughter like sheep." Said s ; mple Hans, when he'd thought a lot, How wonderful axe der ways of Gott" " Der Kaiser he has der keep him fid To show us how we mnsd do our bid. Und though he yearly to be in der frond To show der way the fight should be

runn'd, Ho has to sday in der safest blace To keeb his eyes on her German race."

Said Hans: " None race half as good a.3 us, Especially in front of the teuffel Russ."

" Mein lieber Hans, it is all so glear, There's really noddings we have to fear. Der Kaiser rushes along in drains _ To direct der staff with his super-brains. Gott gceps him safe—so you see id's rght To plan der baddla, and vin der fight." "Gott peeps him safe," simple Haas replied, "But does that help us, or the ofchar side?"