ROUND ABOUT TOWN.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11757, 22 July 1916, Page 8

ROUND ABOUT TOWN.

Professor Metclmikoff, 'wlio died the other day, was; the savant who provided the world with a new problem. He discovered that life could he indefinitely prolonged by drinking sour milk, and the problem was whether it was worth while to continue living under the circumstances.

A medical authority lias announced that more than 100 diseases may he caught irom kissing. This rather unnerved us, but, having passed Standard \L, we pulied ourselves together and recalled that Macaulay wrote: ''How can man die better than facing i'eartul odds I "

We gather from the " fashion notes " that the short .skirt will be worn next spring and merely rise to observo that we are prepared to bet lots of money that it may be short but it won't be the samo skirt—at t least, not unless we score a decided diplomatic victory in domestic circles.

We met tho Confirmed Bachelor again and ho had this, one to tell: The Good Wife (aghast as she reads the newspaper), " Hojv terrible—you can get a wife in the Islands for five shillings!" "Well," sighed her husband, "I suppose a- good wife would be worth all that."

' The cynic, as usual, held the floor. "There's poor Jones gone to.the dogs, wrecked absolutely. Wouldn't take uiy advice. Married liis wife,- you know, after only three years' engagement. I told him he couldn't get to know a woman's hitting power in that time. Now. I courted, a eirl for twenty years —I got to know her properly, and as a result I suffered no hurt." We gasped. " But how did. you escape?" murmured a little man. "I didn't.mar her," replied the Cynic, and. finished ■his whisky. * * * * « A fellow who lived near tlie seaside had had an automatic organ pushed on to him once by an elderly female relative. It was a sort of glorified pianola thing, and when you had all the stops out it was some player. But he got very tired of giving recitals of oratorios and! things to himself, and was overjoyed when the plumber, hearing the organ one day, said, ' I'd give five years of my life to play like that.'' " I'll teach you in five minutes," said the sufferer. The plumber was initiated into the mysteries, and made a handsome offer for the instrument. It was accepted. The plumber was proud of his purchase and invited a friend in to bear it play. The poor friend sat around, and his host, stripped to the waist, said: "Now, what'll we play?" "Oh, anything," said the friend. " Righto,'' answered the plumber, "We'll 'ave a horatorio. So he played a good chunk of "The Messiah." "That's good," said the friend, " who's it bv? "By!" said the plumber. " I forget for a moment% Wait till I Took. Oil yes, here it is. It's by Opus." • • * « •

THEIR POINT OF VIEW. Smith says that if the pubs be shut i At six o'clock each dusky eve . j The crime statistics will be cut In half, and none but drunks will grieve. That's what the worthy Smithie thinks, But Smithie never, never drinks. Brown says he wouldn't give a rap If bars were wiped right off the map, And when the Empire s jn a fix We ought to close them up at six. Brown from his fireside needn't roam; He keeps some first-class Scotch at home. Jones is a solid sort of man Who drinks, but not to great excess. He says the early closing plan Is sure to be a great success. I've never seen Jones in a pub. He goes each, evening to nis club. Now Robinson, a dreadful soak, Who swills from dawn till late at night, Says early closing is a joke, It won't keep him from getting tight. He'll lay in liquor by the case And strike a still more furious pace. White, who each eve at ten to eight, Absorbs a modest glass of Speight And then, rejoicing, on iiis way, Proceeds to picture shows or play With perhaps another drink in view When interval shall make it due. Says early closing ain't too gay For chaps who have to work all day, Who own no cellar, keg or club, And do their drinking at the pub. S., 8., J., R., are in agreement quite, They simply cannot sympathise with White.

"UK A SNIFFER liF OF UNCONSIDERED HHFIES."

T-he Stout One was passing the ing iliuk when his'thin friend stopped him: ""Why don't you take up 6kitirtg?" suggested the Narrow One. " 'I%o sedentary, old man, too sedentary," answered Avoirdupois, and Avaddled 011. **» « . »

The Young Man was trying to climb cut .of Social engagements. He wrs, dropping out. " 1 cannot come to your dinner to-night," he telephoned to the Dear Old Thing. " I mustn't. I've burnt my bridges behind me." " You poor thing,'"' she replied. "I'll send you a pair of Henry's."

"Pat," who writes the Parliamentary Notes for the " Otago Witness,"'/ waxed eloquent the other day, describing the silence in Parliament after a speech by Mr Massey:—"ln the galleries none cough: no feet shuffle; co knitting needles click. But the hands of the clock move on inexorably. They alono are unmoved." Now we know why he calls himself "Pat."

A lot of ladies have great difficulty in avoiding what they call " sameness ™ in meals. • In fact, if we believe ail we hear, it causes them hours of thought. But when it comes t<vavoiding "sameness" in styles, thougat gives way to action. . And on the way home a few pies are purchased and served - up " because 1 thought they would be a change, dear. You've no idea how hard it is to " and so on. * * * * #

The children of this generation have all the luck. Now when 'we we re at school we spent many weary hours learning some vers libre which began, "For the want of a nail t-he shoe va lost. For the want of a ehoe" the horse was lost. Eh! All that qnergy has been wasted. A fellow's goie and invented a nailless shoe. Furthermore Inhere's an expert in America wlk> is going to increase the size of peanuts. * * * • »

A very wellrknown and popular lawyer in this city professes to regard as an undesirable " American innovation " the publication by a newspaper cf any facts concerning any happening which may subsequently form the subject of a criminal prosecution, •on the ground that it may prejudice the public mind against an accused persoji. '.Here k tba sort of account of a sensational crime which the newspapers ought to pyblsk if they are to steer clear of-Amoricau methods:— AN OCCURRENCE. Yesterday a man, whose name if believed to be John Brown, is to have been taken to the City Mojguc. It is alleged that he lost a considerable amount of blood before He got tfcere, and many peopk state that a l*rca tomahawk was picked up along vfitli the body. Mr Brown is supposed to have been addressing a large open-air meeting at the time of the occurrence, and there is also a theory that he,nnd the tomahawk and a large man fell cut» of a carrier's cart together. It is. understood that the police intervieire-d the large man later, but -whether the subject of the interview was the..interruption of the meeting, the weather, or an argument on Theosophy, it would be most improper to divulge. The District Coroner alleges that he will hold an inquest on Brown to-morrow. * * • * * , * ■ The news that the Kaiser is constantly travelling from front to front and that the Imperial tra*in is always in motion, has inspired "the Ancient Jongleur to the following sympathetic lines; — A TRAIN" WHECK. 'Fm full of this, and fed up, too, A-chasin' up and down, A-livin' on the bloomin.' train And never see in' town. | His poor thin frame sagged sadly in Th# middle—he was very thin. "From Somme to Pruth and Kieh to-I/Ho, We're always on the run; We only stop to give » crow Or \rewp upon Verdun." His shoulders drooped, Ms cheek wis pileHe was a most dejected male. " My life just goes a rollin' through A line of fits and starts; Our train, as soon as it arrives, Turns round and then departs. Sometimes we rush so quickly baek, We meet.ourselves upon the track. " I used to weigh quite fifteen steg& And now I'm only nine— And all because we have to fight On an interior line. !My only hope is to retreat Until the East and "West can meet. " And in addition to those ills, The thing that huxte my pride Is: fill the help we seem to givo i Is to the other eide." And then I recognise the. wreck— I It was the Kaiser's private sec.