SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11509, 4 October 1915, Page 5

SMILE SEED.

»■ Half loaf is not so good as a Gorernment job. ♦ # ( " I'll just make a night of it," said tho sun as he went down. "Pa, what i c a nicge gun?" " It's a mechanical device used for altering maps my son." " I'm afraid your mother doesn't like me " " Probably not. Mamiua and I have very similar tastes.'* " You should always heap coals of fire on your enemy's head." " What do you ill ink I am? A millionaire?" %• Of heroes who deserve high praise the bravest one is that true hero of the bright spring days who wears the; first straw hat. Gushing Young Woman (to baronet at garden party): "Oh, Sir James, T hear you have an acetylene plant, and I simply adore tropica! flowers." *** ! He" Do yon mean to say yoa luiven't been in church at all during: Lent?" She: "The idea of such a tli l n fx! There axe mo weddings during Lent." ''' * # * ' Mrs Naggs: "I understand Mr Cbiv j nom is not on speaking terms with his t wihv' i\aggs: " Well, perhaps lie n isn't to blame. His wife may do ail e the talking." a . .. •#* u " "Wasn't sit? a bird?" exclaimed u , Jack, referri 3g to the girl lie had just a been dancing v r ith. "She certainly • was pigeon-toed," replied Gns. And u thus was a lifelong friendship shatter** 'j. Ed to smithereens. 5 ' Old Scotswoman: " The last steak' I frae ye I could ha© soled ma boots wi' it." Butcher: 44 And why did ye '• no dae it?" Woman: "So I wid :f J I could hao got the nails tao ganc; t through it." ' 'j * # * p "Is Mickey in condition?" "He's as fine as silk. Ah! Mickey's a great boy. , He's got something up his sleeve that'll . 5 ' "What is it, Mrs Doolan?" "It's his s ar-r-m." • » ! teacher, "can you tell mo the differ- ; j enr-o between th e quick and tho dead?" jj " Yes, miss. Hie quick is them as t gets out of the way of motor-cars, and j the dead is them as doesn't." - -* J "Do you -1-notr," said a Sunday | school teacher, addressing a new pupal in the infant class. " that you have a soul? "Gourde I. do," replied the l-ttle fellow, placing his hand over his heart; "I can feel it tick." *' # • " How is it that a string man like yaw cannot get employment?" a lady asked a tramp. Tho mendicant replied: " Ah, nmra, yer see, people wants references from my last employer, an* he's been dead about twenty yeara," ••• Scottish guest (arriving suddenly at bottom of somewhat difficult staircase): " Weel, the mannie that designed this boose mieht h' been an architect, or ha mieht not; but ah'm terr—terrible captain he maunt hao been a teetotaller." "So Herb upset his canoe and spilled his best girl into the lake, eh P How did it happen. Gathering water lilies, I suppose?" "No. you're wrong. Ho. lost his balance trying to show the young lady how long the fish was that i he caught last summer." | * Tt I « ' Grocer (to indignant customer, who ' has ruined his coat): "Didn't yoa see , the sign, ' Fresh paint' ?" Customer: | "Of course 1 did; but I've seen so many signs up here, announcing some* thing frc-sli which wasn', that I didn't , believe it." I .... *•* j Tiie teacher was reading adages to the hoys of the class. " Always remember this one/' she said. "There is a tida !in the affairs of men which, taken at ; the Hood, leads on to fortune." " Did all the multimillionaires come in j tidal waves ?" asked the class ■ hn^H i "What is your occupation - oJP|m| j calling?" asked a magistrate of jMH wreiclied-1 coking man in the dock, trlio"4H j was charged with mendicancy. In.I ventor,'' was the reply, in a hoarfce 9 ] voice. " What have you invented?"- * I asked the magistrate. "Nothing," sdid I the prisoner, '' but I'm trying to." ♦ 1 "Mv husband." said the pale woman, "is to-day beneath the cold, j cold waves." Deeply touched, the benevolent gentleman paid os for an or* nament which he didn't want. "Yes," ' she continued, when the money was safely tucked into her satchel, "he is stoking on a new submarine torpedo boat." There had been a domestic squabble at break I'a st. " You monster!" snapped the matron, who was always scorning. " You are not like my two former husbands. They were tender men." "I : never doubted that they were tender, i Maria,"' ventured the meek man, •• when you kept them in hot water all tho time." • \ *♦* Jones had. lately taken to lecturing on the teetotal platform. "So you want to unary my daughter, sir! What are your An? you. temperate?" he asked of a candidate ior the position of son-in-law. "Temperate !" was the reply; "why. I am so strict that it gives me pain even to j lind mv boots tight." ' %* " At the end of a fortnight I shall not require your services, sir," said a ) merchant .severely. '■ f. saw you coming out of a public-house to-day. I_tola 1 you I'd dl-ehargo you for that, didn't , [v" "Why. no sir," replied the clerk; '''you t;aid you'd discharge me if you saw me going into one! I think I deserve some credit ior coming out!" Son: " Pa. X don't want to wear tluhse old trousis of yours: they're too iiig nnd the, kids laugh at me." Father: " Xiver mind th ! kids. Ye'll grow into thim pants." Sou"Bat why can't I wear my old ones till 1 do grow iaio yours!-'" Father." "Is that th" ixtint iV v'r iddycation? How kin vo ixpect t' grow into mine without wear in" tlmn!-'' '