THE STORY-TELLER.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11507, 1 October 1915, Page 7

THE STORY-TELLER.

THINGS NEW. WINNING TWO WAYS. Bismarck was conferring tho iron cross on a lino of tho rank*, and, being in a. humorous mood, ho. said, " 1 am authorised to oiler you, instead of tho cross, a. hundred tinders. What do you soy*"' ''What is tho cross worth?'' a>/kod tho Mildier. " About three thaler?."' , " Very well. then, your highness. 111 take the cross and ninety-seven tbalers.'' A SASSENACH. A Cockney was .spending his Christy mas in Scotland, and went, out on th ' links i o fry b' B hick. After trying in vain to hit the hall ho became enraged lii'cai:-c tho caddio laughed at his awkwardness. "If you laugh ;igain, M ho. exclaimed, " J : ti hit you over the head—so there ! ' '' Ah, wee!.' : returned tho caddio, backing to a safe distance, "I'll bet ye wouldna ken tho right club to dao ii with!" .RESPECT FOR HIS AUDIENCE. "Why don't you call a spado a spade in your speechesr ; ' For tho reason." replied Senator Sorghum, " that I don't feel su.ro about the difference between a. spado and a shovel. You've got to bo caretul about your use of technical terms in tho presence of the modern scientifically educated agriculturist.' 1 RELIABLE EVIDENCE. A das'- of recruits were, being put through a preliminary examination in first aid work. Finally it came to Pat O'Flynu's turn to answer. The sergeant asked him tho fol lowing question—''Now, Pot, supposing a man were to fall in a drunken fit, how-would y°n treat Inm?" . " Faith, sergeant," repiel Pat, . Ot wouldn't treat him at all. I'd consider he had had enough." PRACTICALLY NOTHING. A "cub" reporter on a New \ork newspaper wa.s sent to Paterson .to write tho story of the murder of a rich manufacturer by thieves. Ho spread himself on the details, and naively concluded his account with this sentence: •' Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in a bank the day before, so he lost practically nothing but his life." INVALUABLE. The much-travelled young man had just, returned from foreign climes, and, of cour.se. he must entertain his rich old aunt fwith. whom ho was in favour) with stories of the ■wonderful .sights he had seen. "Yes." be said, in the course of his remarks, "there a-re .some spectacles that can never be. forgotten.' "Dear me.'' 1 exclaimed the absentminded old lady; " I do wish you would get me a pair of them, John.'' ON OATH. M'Tavish was accused of having illicit whisky in his possession. A reluctant witness admitted that lie knew of a suspicious barrel going to tho accused's. "Now," said the prosecuting counsel, " remember, you are on oath. What was in the barrel." " Weel," replied the -witness, "there wis 4 M'Tavish ' marked on ae end o' the barrel, and ' whusky' on the ither, but being on oath, _ your Honor, 1 coukiua. pay whether it. wis whusky or M'Tavish that wis in tho barrel." HEAVY ODDS. Undo Bpb, an old coloured man, was tip in Court, accused of stealing a watch. He pleaded not guilty, and, moreover, brought against tho complainant a counter charge of assault. The man. he declared, had tried to ' kill him with, an iron kettle. During : tho cross-examination the attorney, Lawver Bennett, demanded: " Dare you "saA- that my client attacked you with an iron kettle?". " Dat what ho done, t>ali, 1 ' replied U nele Eph, w ifit a nervous gulp. "With an iron kettle, oh?" sarcastically reiterais*! tho lawyer. That's a lino story lor a big, strong fellow like you to try to impose upon this honourable Couit! And had von nothing with which to defend yourself?" ,r Only de watch, .sab,"'' was the unwary reply; "but. whut'fi a watch agin an iron kettle, .sahr" FALSE ALARM. A clergyman ivho was a widower had threw gjiiown-up daughters.. Having occasion to go away for a few weeks ho wrote home, irom time to time# 111 otto of his letters ho informed them that he had " married a wulow with six children. 53 This created a stir in the household. When the vicar returned homo, one of his daughters, her eyes red with weep, ing, said: "Where's tho widow you married, father 0 " " Oli, I married her to another man. I ought, to have told you that." NOT FOR HIMA well-to-do Scottish lady one day said to her gardener: "Man Tamiua,s, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and all you want, to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardener that ever lived had a 'wife." "Quite right, missus, quite right," said Tammas, "but he didna keep his job lang alter lie got the, wife." TIME TO TURN. "He who puts his, hand to the. plough," Mireamed tho street corner orator. " mu>t not turnback!" •• What's he to do when he gels to the end of a- furrer?'' asked th© auditor in tho corduroy trousers. THE FAIRER HOPE. < Cloiigh, in one of hid published letters, tells -a story of an aged C'alviiiist woman, who, being asked 'about, tho Lnivorsn lists, said, " Yes, they expect everybody %\ill be saved, but we look for bettor -things." NEATJohn Randolph met a personal em"my in the street one day who refused to give him half (he sidewalk, laying that Tic never turned out for a rascal. "I do." .said l\amiVilph, stopping _ .vide .ami politely rai-im;. his hat; " pass on." NO I'M.M THAT- DAY. A soldier of the Legion was posing at Algiers (Just outside Bnyonnc, N.-!.). There wa.<j dearth of woman's tears. The dire;-.cor blamed the actresse-,, and despair. He had to'd 'em* to be present, and', alas! they wore not there. WHY THEY SMILED, The. j'ollowing j-tory comes from the. CaucasM:.• Aftrr a, great Turkish, defeai, a Russian officer met. a party ot 500 captured Turks being brought in by fifteen smiling Co.-,sack. 1 . There wy-, (something obviouidy iho matter with the prisoners; their hands were all my?-' terious.ly occupied. , _ ! The officer _ bailed the Cossack in I charge and said: " Hullo, have you got j a dancing class; there, or what.?" _ j The Co.sack laughed louder, and said: ! " Well, you see, Excellency, there's j more than. 500 of thorn, and only til'- , i.o!<(i of us, <.!) there, was a chance, they mudu be up to something if wo weren't j careful, so before we started we wen:, round and cut off nil their hooks., bolts and t rouscr but tons. Now they've got their hands .full, and it's no use their trying to bolt.