SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11507, 1 October 1915, Page 4

SMILE SEED.

He (describing his war experiences): " Just then the enemy got our range. She: "You poor fellows I And you couldn't cook your dinner 1" •*» " Johnny, how did you hurt your hand ? I hope you haven't been fighting again." " Willie Jones ine a liar, mother, an' then he hit me on the fist with his teeth." *•* "Why all these toots as you pass that, village?" inquired the fireman. "Toots is my wife's pet name,' explained the engineer. " I often hear," # he said, " that my life lias been a failure." " It is foolish of you ever to be troubled by such a thought," she replied. " Your wife us ! one of the best-dressed women in this town." " Johnny, is your father an optimist or a pessimist?" ''He ain't neither one. He's a chiropodist." V Tho night clerk at a city hotel was approached recently by a young man who appeared to be out tor a good time, and did not know where to find it. "Is the roof garden openP ' he asked. " Yes," the clerk answered. " Where is it?" the young man asked without a. smile. " Joan of Arc was a spinster, was she not?" "Yes; why?" "Oh, I was just wondering how she got her armour buttoned up the bacK." " How would you classify a telephone girl? Is her's a" business or a profession?" ''Neither; it is a. calling!'' ••• "They say there are nearly 850,000 married men in the British Army." " I suppose they picked out the married men for their superior fighting qualities." # 9 • A commercial traveller stopped at the sma'l hotel in a country town one day. Ho entered' the dining room and was shown to a table by a waiter. " Will you have some pork and onions, sir?" asked the waiter, as he brought the customary glass of water. "No, I don't care for them," answered the man. " I never eat pork and onions." " Dinner is over, then, sir," said the waiter, as he moved away. *•* "With all my worldly goods I thee endow," said Count Poppinzooski, as he married tho heiress. ''"Fine!" said her father sotto voce to the best man. " Three solid bales of unreceipted bills." V Lady: "Is this a peditrreed dog?" Dealer: "Pedigreed? Why, if that dog could talk, he wouldn't speak to either of us!"—-Stray Stories. • • * At a party Miss Brown had sung " It's a Loug Way to Tipperarv," and for days after she was singing or humming it to herself. "It seems to haunt me," she said to a friend, who had also been at the party. "No wonder," said'tho friend. "Look at the wa-v vou murdered it." "Do you ever play the stock market'? 5 "I tried it once, but the brokers seemed to be havinct all the fun." V He: "Oh, yes. Mai*ie is a particular friend of mine." She: :£ Then she's not >o particular as I thought she whs." V» " What's become of that new car you bought last month?" "I'm havinar it repainted. My wife's got a now gown, and it doesn't match." • * # "I wonder why these freak artists are called Futurists." Because they'll get all that's conrng to them .in a future existence, I hope.''" ♦.* t! Have you learned any new dances lately"? "They aren't inventing any new daocss any more. All they do now is to invent new names for the old ones." V Dejected Traveller: '• T say, Pat. did you ever make an idiot of yourself about a woman?" Pat; "An idjut, is ut? Sure, I've made mesilf an inure asvlum."