THE STORY-TELLER.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11505, 29 September 1915, Page 1

THE STORY-TELLER.

THINGS OLD AND NEW. SAVAGE HUNGER. ! Mary and Tommy had been to hear j a missionary talk at Sunday school. • i " Did he toll you about the poor I ' heathen?" father'inquired at the dinner table. " Yes, eir," answered Mary. "Ho said that they were often hungry, and when they beat on the tuui-tunis it could be heard for miles." 5 RATHER CONFUSING. A Scottish minister, who was very fond of using the personal pronoun, 1 often used it wrongly. When preach- j ing a short time ago he took for his. ; text: " The devil he is going about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour." | ' "My friends," he said, '* wo will ' divide our subject into three headings. Firstly, who the devil he was; secondly, who the devil he was seeking; and, thirdly, what the devil he was roaring about.'' The congregation also roared, but with laughter. THE BTTER BITTEN. An Irishman out in the wilds of Ireland was sent to the town with a bag of gold to put in the bank for his ' master. On the way he was stopped by a robber, who, pointing a revolver at Pat's head demanded the gold. Pat gave it him. " But what will I say when I go home? They'll think I stole it," said Pat. " Suppose you fire a few shots ] through me clothes." " I will." said the robber. " Now, fire through me cap," 6aid Pat. " I've no more shots," said the robber. "Then hand me tho gold back, w , I'll bate the loife out of ye wid me stick 1" said Pat. A 6 BY 9 RrTYMB. A queer little boy who had been to school And was up to all sorts of tricks, Discovered that 9 when upside down Would oass for the figure 6. So when asked his age by a good old' dame. The comical youngster said: j 1 " I'm 9 when 1 stand on my feet like this. But 6 when I stand on my head." ; HOT WEATHE& HINTS. Don't eat anything. ! Chew it thoroughly. Don't drink ice water. Boil it. Let your wife hare her way. Give your thermomctei' to your enemy. Avoid excursions and vacations. Avoid strange dogs and your wife's i relations. Don't discuss the following:—Hea* ' records, immigration, tariff reduction, i Socialism, minimum wage, gas bills, i franchises, graft, tyre trouble, new i though t 3 cubist poetry, creditors and i debtors. i EXPERIENCED. 1 "You haven't any serious or organic 1 trouble," said the young physician, ! cheerfully. " You're a little nervous 1 and run down, that's all. Take more j exercise, eat less, and forget your troubles." The hypochondriac snorted. " Young man," he demanded, his voice shaking, " how long have you been a doctor?" "I took my degree three years ago," answered the medico. " And I am an invalid of twenty-five years' experience. Who are you to disagree with me?" THE FOAMY DEEP. "Here's threepence," said a thrifty housewife to a tramp at the door. <! Now what are you going to do with it?" " Well, mum," replied the hungry man, " ii I buy a touring car I shan't have enough left to pay my chauffeur; if I purchase a steam yacht, there won't be enough left to defray the cost of manning her; so I guess, mum, I'll just get a schooner and handle her myself!" HE UNDERSTOOD IT. District Visitor —" I've just had a letter from my son, Arthur, saying he has won a scholarship. I can't tell you how pleased I am." Rustic Party—"l can quite understand yer feelin's ; mum. I felt just the same when our pig won a medal at the Agricultural Show I" THE BETTER WAY. New Proprietor of Pub'.ic-house (that levies a fine for every swear word) — " 'Ere, Bill, that's a penny you owe to the parson's swear box." Bill —" I'd better do what T'v done afore; put a 'arfcrown in and 'ave a season ticket." ■ NOT QUARRELSOME. At a recruiting demonstration recently one of the staff went round the audience soliciting volunteers for active service. Noticing a stalwart Scot he asked—"Are vou willing to go to the front, sir?" "Whit fer?" asked Sandy. "Why to fight, of course," camo the reply. "Naw, naw, T never fecbt: I'm ony- i thing but a quarrelsome chap!" [ TEMPTED. Tonal—" If I was to propose going jto the 'Swan' and hailing a trink, | what would you say. Tougall?" j j Tougall—" I would co-incide with jj j you, Tonal." | ! TIP-A-RARITY. j ! Diner—" I suppose you've had to put } lup with ' Tipperary ; over since the j i war started?" i | Waiter-" Yes, sir, and tip a rarity." ! AN A-" PAUL "'-ING REMARK. j j 'lavish M'Tavish lied partaken too I freely of the mountain dew, and was j ! escorted home. When his gu'de was j j leaving him the Gael remarked, " I [ shav—hic--vou''re Mister——-■'''—hie. i '•'P-iul.'' 'ivphod the friend. ; ''Oh!" Ki:d M'Tavish. brightening i up, "have yon <-v'-v~-hic--got a reply ; _.-hie—to that episiln ye wrote to the I Epheiinns':" J i IiYMPATHETIO—PERHAPS! { ! George had just arrived home for j i dinner, and was surprised to meet his j • wife in the hall crying tearfully. ! | ''Oil, George,' 1 she tried, l! I made I a nice pie /or dinner to-day. and the ! cat found it and ate it.'" ! '-Oh. never miud," he returned symI pathetically: " we'll get another cat." | PROOF POSITIVE. ! The ro"vers-at.io:i w.ir. M.bout dwarfs, j w>."n -.hi- " (M\v- l/i:i • " bulled in. j • V/.'ll, ,\v>," ho Mid. " fdl those j dvai!:-. yjii hj". mv.'i-.'i: ,-diuvu :. 10 right [enough, bui none ei liier.i ran compare (with" the t-!i!,i;«ci r-;-r>-.;-:';i;r-n 1 or.me j nnw* in t_V:n;:d .Vr><\>. T!.;it man jvyn. mi >iu:i i \)\::, c••■■•:> '. i ; :C' iua corns. j hurt liiin hij <ia u bloosninst * 1 lieadacW *