SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11504, 28 September 1915, Page 7

SMILE SEED.

Though it was lonesome on tho Ark When land could wit bo seen. They never knew the sailor's d'read Of 'bergs or floating mines ahead, While dapta.iT Noah could go to bed And. fear no submarine. e She " Have you ever read ' Lives of t.he Hunted'? He: "No; what s it about—bachelor*' ?'' Madge: " I>ong engagements are not fashionable these day*." Marjorie: " Oh. well, neither are long marriages. ' "Johnny, is your father an optimist or a pessimist?" "He ain't neither one. He's a chiropodist." *•* "Sssh—tlrn ia a gossipy place. " Sssh—Why?" "Sssh—even the rooms communicate with one another. "I have a fine .setter- at- mv place. "So have I.'"Mine's a Gordon setter." ''Mine's a Plymouth Rock." Lady (in bird store): " Does this parrot swear?" Clerk: " No, madam; but you, could teach liim in a week." *•* The Caller: "Your l.usband is wedded to his olub, is he not?" Mrs Brooks: " Not wedded- JBe seems to be perfectly devoted to it." *•* The Gunner's Mate: "Have you found' tho range?" The Landlubber: " Yes. sir. The enemy's ship is about eight blocks cast and then just around the corner." * ♦ « * Visitor (aboard ship): "What does he blow that bugle for?" Officer: "Tattoo." Visitor: " I've often seen it on their arms, but I never knew they had a. special time for doing it." Hokus: " Olosefist claims that when charity is needed, he is always the first to put his hand in his pocket." Pokus: "Yes; and he keeps it there till the danger is over." "Prisoner, have you anything to say?" "Only this, your Honor. I'd be mighty sorry if the young lawyer you assigned to mo was ever called upon to defend an innocent man." # * " Pa, what does it mean when a public man is said to bo at the zenith of his popularity?" "It means, my sou, replied the defeated 1 candidate ruefully, " that he is about ready to hit the toboggan." " "What, made vou distrust that Italirn refugee? I thought he told a straight story." "It sounded so, but when I questioned him as to his home and occupation he said he was n streetcleaner in Venice." • * • "Look here," said the head of the firm, addressing tho new stenographer, " this letter is all wrong Your punctuation is very bad and your spelling is worse. I can't afford to send out any such stuff to my clients. ' "Well, she replied, "I'm sorry if my work d'on't suit you, but was you expecting to get a "Mrs Noah H. Webster for £2 a week?" ♦ * «■ " Jiggs has a hoard of useless information. "In what respect?" "Ho is considered an authority on international law." »#» , Sergeant (to recruit wandering about at the will of the horse): " 'Ere, you ! What are you doin' there, ridin' up an' down liko a general?" Mary: "Mrs Delaney says her little girl has learned to play the piano in no time." Alice: "Yes; I heard her playing just that way the other day." *** She: " Are your intentions towards the wid'ow really serious?" He: "Th<?v are! I intend, if possible, to get out of her clutches." V She: "I suppose the duke lias lauded estates?" lie: "Landed one every time he married, but he managed to run through. 'em all." *** Mrs Slocum (to her husband's chum): " Tom, I wish you could'break George off playing poker." The Chum : " I tfid break him. only last night." V Dry-goods Clerk: "Wo are selling the.se goods, madam, at ridiculous prices." Customer: " I should say so! I can buy them cheaper irf half a dozen places'." *** " Morniu', Congressman ; I " "Well, it's old Jim Smith. Jim, how are you? Have a cigar, Jim?" i "Thought I'm come around to tell you that I'd moved out of your district, but " "Indeed, Mr Smith," "You see, I wanted to tind out if-—" "Yes, Smith." If _ you could use your influence to ' " Sorry, my man, but I can't stop. Good morning." *** Stranger: "Seventeen years ago 1 landed here in your town broke. T struck you for a dollar. You gave it to me, saying you never turned a request like that down." Citizen (eagerly): " Yes?" _ Stranger : "Well, are vou still game?" Old Lady (having run upon a street fight): "Dear, dear! can you tell me what's going on there, my man?'' Noncombatant: "Ho, nuffink, mum, only the bloke wot works the steam roller wants us coves to call 'im a chauffeur. V "Now, to illustrate the roundness of the earth," said Columbus, "f will show you an egg." " That doesu t convince me," replied" the court astronomer. "if you had waited till the egg became an omelet, it would prove that the earth is flat." '' Whv do they cull 'cm fountain pens? i should say reservoir pen would he a better name- A reservoir contains liquids; a- fountain throws 'em around." " I think fountain pon is the proper name," said the party of the second' psrt-