SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11359, 10 April 1915, Page 9

SMILE SEED.

Since the recent riots they call it Dibcontentinopio. w * * Germans are eating rye bread. With wry laces, we hope.—" Jx>ndoii Opiiuoii. :: * " Did he tell you he couldn't speyi Frenchi" " No." " Then how did you know?'' " Ho spoke some." When we read that announcement, " Bridge dynamited/' we could almost hoar the grand clam. * * «■ Those ardent ladies who knit over their morning rasher nre / when you come to thiol; of it, easting purls before swine. Wnggs: "Where have you beenP" Baggs: "In tho hospital getting censored." Wuggs: '' Censored !'' BaggK: "Yes. I had several important parte cut out." TIIE COP'S SUGGESTION. Woman (separated from husband in crowd): "I'm looking for a small man with one eve." Policeman: "If he's a very small man, maybe you'd tetter use both eves."—" Boston Transcript." # ♦ THIS TEDIOUS WAR. • " I saw a war picture, and one of tho soldiers in the firing line, atnid bursting shells and dead and wounded men. was yawning.'' "lie was probably a football player, to whom his surroundings seemed tame." %• WARMING THE SERIGBANT. " You are a regular muff, sir," esM an exasperated sergeant, after vainly trying to drill a recruit. " Thank you. sir." replied the latter, " if I am a muff, I have done my duty y —I have made vou warm!" *.* LOWLANDS OF HOLLAND. BSx: "I see there's a report from Holland that concrete bases for German cannon have been found there." Dix: " Don't believe a word you hear . from Holland. The geography says it Is a low, lying country."

THE COLOUR LINE. Tho Village Know-all: "'Ow's that sou o' youni wot went into the Army gettin' on, Mr Hig'npate?" Mr Highpate: "Oh, doin' splendid. They've made 'im a colour-sergeant now." The Village Know-all: "'Ave they, though? What colour?" %* PEACE WITH HONOUR. It was Saturday night, and" the rival butchers were scouting against each other. 'Ere's a piece of beef," shouted one, " any price you like. No war i priees here." ; 1 The other was equal to the occasion. " Come '"ere." he shouted. , "Dftn't 'ave piece at any prioe; have piec« with honour." *.* RAPID PROMOTION. A servant in Pouth-East London was tolling her mistress the other day of the boast-ins indnln-'d i'i by the swrant next door abcv.t her young man in khaki t " T can't understand how he's got on so fast," she remarked. " T&- 1 * only been in the Army a f&w months vet she told mo in November ho was a corporal; last week she lio'd boon made a sergpant; a,tid mt she savs lie's to 1)9 •'xmrt rr.srlisiltd!" CONSCRIPTION. It was breakfast time w one of the large works on tho Tyne, and the conversation of a group of workmen M r as on the subject of conscription. Tha Sros and cons of th« subject, had been. eba.ted, when one msmber remarked: " Aa'll tell yo whr.at it is, mates: thor's anv amoont o' yonng cheps waakin' nboot _ the pt'-eet, that vad willingly gan intiv the army if they were forced to gan."

WHY NOT? Scene: The rifle butts at (name erased by Censor). Tho sergeant in charge of the markers was noted for many little peculiarities in addition to heinp; very regimental. He heard the telephone bell ringing violently, and dashed Tip in a great state of excitement, and Inquired who was at the other end (50C yards firing point). "Captain Smith," he hears. . Immediately he comes to the salute, and. in- his best parade manner, shouts, Markers, 'shun." THE INSCRUTABLE SEX./ jjj Mr Horace Wyndham has a book on his military experiences, iirtlp which he quotes tho reply of an Egyptian clerk to a demand tor 1000 rations for a Middlesex Regiment. "Honoured Sir, —Estimable telegram to hand, hut not understood. Mai© sex I know well: ditto female _ sex. Middle sex. however, not familiar. ■ Please send specimen." « ft IN HAD COMPANY. A soldier, charged with being drunk and disorderly, mentioned, in examination of his offence, the fact that he had been compelled to travel Tip from camp in very bad company. " Whut- sort of company t" asked tha ' magistrate. > "A lot of teetotallers!" was the startling response. I "Do you mean to say teetotallers i a.ro bad company?" thundered the ! magistrate. " I think they are the best company for such as you!" ! " Beggin' your pardon, sor," answered the prisoner, " ye'ro wrong, for 1 had a bottle, of whisky ancf I had to drink it- all mesel'." I %»

KIND WORDS. A battalion o{ recruits had been on n. lone, weary route march recently, during which they had had to put up with a lot of abuse and unpleasant language from the major in command. During the return home, tired arid weary, the order was given to " march at ease." a sign a J usually followed by the singing of Tipporarv," etc. But it was not so in this ease. A train of mixed thoughts was started running through the major's miiid when the whole battalion struck up with those well-known verses: " Kind words can never die." * * AT THE ZOO. "Is this animal amphibious?" " Amphibious as hell, ma'am. H« wud bite you in a minute." * * ARRANGED WITH ENEMY. There's a story going 'the rounds just; now that .;hous how Austria, was deprived ol one of iier lighting men. A visitor to n, West. End" restaurant in London, being waited 011 by a particularly tall and line-looking waiter with a foreign accent, .asked the man his nationality. "Oil, Im a Hungarian," was the reply. "How (.mines it, then, that a bin," strong fellow like you is not in the tiring line?'' asked the visitor. "Well, sir, it's like vhis." rep'i.-r the knight, of the napkin, pointino t a brother waiter a few tables off. "Y,see that man? Well, he's a SVrb. a:;! we have vat you call ' paired." " PAIR EXCHANGE. The military aiana'uvros. AH tins afternoon the attackers had attackedand tho defenders defended, with conspicuous lack of incident or bravery. Operations were beginning to rag horribly. when ihe white flag nvnt up. Tlu< officer in command <ri the at- j taekers stared in amazenient. 1 ; " I flag of truce.'' J>o ex-churned '• What do they wanf.?"' The endeavoured to cover up a smile. ~ .. 'j-,,,., a v. sir, he reported, "that lt -„ Vea ii"" 1 they'd like to exchange V^e.mple'ef Territorials for a tin r>f milK- if you can afford it,!" \