THE STORY-TELLER.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11359, 10 April 1915, Page 8

THE STORY-TELLER.

<h~ ■ A lIA NDY MAX. "What, kind of woj-,. could \ou pofl.sibly do around an office-P 1 ' I'm a kind o' all-round handy man, mister. 1 kin hold a. door open, light a match lor ye, look out mi' .sec. if it's raiiurf, <-;l1 I .a Uixi, drop hvtt-nr.si down tho r.hntu, an' toll lolks yer out when yer ajn't." « ** soots who wekent English. It wn.s in Jl.ydo I'ark the other day, and ii, number of killed soldiein wo.ro marching by. A dear old lady mid hor companion stopped to look Jit tlitMu, and tho companion Raid: " Don't yon lhink fcomeoue ought to ohecr them P" "Oh, dear me, no," said tho old lady. " They're not our troops, they're those Scotch prisoners I" # * A QUI OK CONCLUSION. Natives of Italy umr.t bo rory prompt in keeping engagements, especially invitations to dine. At least, wo got that impression from an Italian paper, which records tho following conversation between two fellow-countrymen: " Signer Shnffoti must ho doad, or at loa.st very sick." "Why do you tliink so?" "Why, I invited him to supper tonight itl eight, and it ia already five minutes to, and ho hasn't com® yetl" » ♦ A SILVER CONTRACT. Pat, who had just finished painting tho window frame, was asked by the tenant of tho houso if ho oould remove tho splashes of paint which had dried hard on tho window pane. "Certainly, mum," ho replied, "if you could lend mo a coin to acrapo ■them off with." The tenant having nothing loss than a half-crown promptly handed it to him. About half an hour later Pat tapped at tho door and lianded the tenant a sixpence. " What is this forP" demanded the tenant. " I gave you a half-crown." " Shure," replied Pat, "I must have wore it down a bit." . V A HOME-MADE RIVER.

The following story is said by an American contemporary to emanate from tho naval architects of a Scottish shipbuilding firm. The ltiver Clyde, he is said to have stated to a Yankee friend, has been brought up to its present depth by means of dredging, and so Scots are very proud of it. Well, a party of American sightseers turned up their noses at the Clyde one day. " Call this a river P" they said. " Why, it's a mere ditch in comparison with our Mississippi or St Lawrence or Delaware." " A weal, mon," said a Scottish bystander, " you've got Providence to thank for your rivers, but we made this oor&els. V THE REPLY PAID. Earlier in the day lie hadjbeen sixteen miles from Boston. He was now only eleven miles away. The condition -of his pockets was such that there was no way for him to reach the city without further wear on his shoes. Several motor-oars had rushed past him towards the city but, although he had looked at them appealingly, the drivers had mads no sign that they were willing to help the footsore pedestrian. He grew a litle bitter as ho put one foot up and tho other foot down on the dusty road. Finally, he was hailed by the driver of a car that bore a lioense number. I " Hey, there, do you know the way to Boston?" " Yes. I do. Just follow me. I am going there.-'' ■ The driver grinned. The tramper reached Boston in twenty minutes.

A SMART RECRUIT. A German recruit was being drilled in military manners. For one thing, he had to be taught whom to salute when marching through the streets. Tho method of instruction was to have the novice walk up and down the courtyard of tho barracks, while from this corner and that non-commissioned officers kept popping out suddenly, and eaying, "I am a Royal Highness," or " I am the Military Governor," or " I am tho Master of the Royal Dachshunds," or the Jike exalted titles. Thereupon the appropriate sailute had to be given. Everything had been going oil very well until a mischievous corporal suddenly planted himself before tho recruit, and said, ."I am a Royal Carriage." Tho recruit marched straight on •without taking any notice. "Why didn't you salute P" yelled the sergeant in charge. "I beg your pardon," stammered the recruit, " but I was under tho impression that the carriage was empty." V DEADLY PRAYER. A butcher whose business had been steadily declining, owing chiefly to_ a rival naving set up on the opposite side of the street, confided to hie minister that h© saw nothing for it but to close his shop and leave tne town. The clergyman suggested that perhaps he had not made any serious effort to retain the trade; but the butcher replied that he had done all he knew, without success. "But." said the minister, " have you tried the effects of prayer P" No, he had not thought of trying prayer, but he would do so before putting up the shutters. A week elapsed, when the minister, chancing to pass the butcher's shop, found him radiant with delight. _ "Well," said the cleric, "did you trv the power of prayer P" "Oh, yes," was the reply, "and I only wish I had tried it before. I prayed tho very night you left me, and on the following morning the bog*; oVir over tho rond T>rok.o Ixis nock.. < WOULD YOU HAVE DONE IT? i Tho genial professor stood on the hotel verandah, tho centre of a group of young people, when the office door opened, and tho business mm from, the city hurried down the steps for Jiis usual morning walk. "Ah, good morning!" beamed the professor. " Glorious rooming for & walk, isn't it," '' Oh, yes, certainly, very moe, yes, indeed," replied tho other_ absently. Then, stopping suddenly, as if arrested by the compelling warmth of the greeting, ho called out, " Oh, bv the way, professor, here's my " News thought you might like to look at it, you know I Never mind returning it wlien you re through, for I've finished it. Oh, that s aU right. You're quite welcome, I m sure. Read the editorial on the tariff! It's got the whole situation in a nutshell. Well, good morning! It is a nice day, isn't it?" Tho spectators watched with amusement as the professor carefully folded the paper, and put it in his pocket beside its exact counterpart. " 1 couldn't explain to him that I already had one," ho remarked, thoughtfully. •' I would have deprived him of so much pleasure, and," he added, as if to himself, "ho lias ko little." ♦ * POPPY WAS A WELSHER. Mr Popp had had a bad day at Ascot —a very bad day. His book had gone to pieces after the first raoe. In fact, when ho had thrown liia wallet away, ho did tho distance between the course and the railway station in record time --boating tho pursuing crowd by many lengths. Unfortunately, he was tactless enough to hit a policeman who did not got out of the way quick enough, and '.hat is how he on mo to pass tlio night in a coll. There wore so nuvny others lodging at tho King's expense that Mr Popp'e ease did not. come up till lato on the following afternoon. All day he was in a fever to get out before tho Gold (Tup wits run ; but it was not to he. Wlien knaw tJiia laou iu«t be war* ho

tried to find out what had -won, but none of the policemen would tell him. When at last he reached the dock he was in a perfect frenzy, and at once addressed the Magistrate. "Sir," he cried, "will you tell nxe what lias won the Gold CupP" "Silence!' sternly growled the usher. Popp wheeled round. "Nonsense!" he said. "Silence is a two-year-old!" V THE UNACCUSTOMED. Irf her youth, Queen Elizabeth of Rouniania spent much time on the training of her voice, and, enoouraged by flatterers, came to believe herself to be a singer of unusual talent. _ At length ishe decided to have her voice tried by some great teacher. So she went one day, dressed very simply, and without the usual retinue of servants, to eee Professor Dumanois of Bucharest, and urged him to give his frank opinion on the quality of her voioa, and her future prospect. He tested her_ voice with great care, first with the simple scales, then with a song, and lastly with an operatic ariawhen tlie trial was over, the professor said, " I cannot say that you have a wonderful voice. You sinj2[ fairly well, and with not a little feeling. I might undertake to train you to sing in operetta; but to speak quite frankly, vou haven't the looks for i;t." Up to this time the teacher had not known that the rank of the aspirant was any higher than that of scores of other young ladies, equally ambitious, who constantly came to him. But his surprise was great when the lady handed aim the visiting card of the queen, and ho found that he had before him no loss a personage than royalty itself. The queen thanked him heartily for the frank way in which ho had judged her musical ability, and went home with her ambition in the direction decidedly diminished.