SMILE SEED.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11028, 17 March 1914, Page 5

SMILE SEED.

"Of course, you favour'an clastic arrency." "Yes," replied Grandpa llintlicker, " but I'd like-to seo somo V that good old-fashioned- elasticity that 'ud enable a banknote to reach all tho way'round a family market basket. 1 Teacher: <f With whom did Achilles fight the battle of Troy?" Pupil: "rluto." Teacher: "Wrong. lry again." Pupil: "Nero." Teacher: " How do yon " Pupil: " Then it must havo been Hector. I knew it vas ono of our three dogs." An open-air orator onco<rcceived this poser. "1 tell you, gentlemen, ho exclaimed, " and tho experience, or a ' lifetime confirms my statement, that it von want n thing well done you must rlo it; yourself." " " How about getting your hair cut?" asked a man in the crowd,

'"Yes," said Cawkcr to his youngestson, " tho teacher was. quite right in saying that heat expands and cold contracts. That's what makes the days so much longer in summer than iiv.winter." "Then, papa," was,tho next query. " what makes the nights so long in winter?" V "Did the bride's father give her away?" "On tho contrary, ho told the bridegroom she would make him a aplendid wife." ' V .""What, do you think of eating camel's menfcP'' "1 Mipposo that is donoas a dessert course.' . V* ' . s " Owing to lack of space," says a contemporary, "a number of births and,deaths aro.unavoidably postponed till to-morrow." V "Havo you -a very nico room?" inquired the little girl of her suburban visitor. "Why do you aslr, dearP "Because papa said your room .was hotter than your company." ! Wife (bitterly): " When yon married mo von didn't marry ft cook. Husband: " Well, you needn't rub it in. * *»* : "I suppose," said tho husband, "I cuppose that you women want to: vote just liko men do?" " Oh, no," .replied tho wife, " that isn t the point* Wo want to vote a great deal'better than tho men do." ' V '■ ■<' >' . lie: " What month is it in which it is unlucky to bo married?" v Sho: " Goodness mel 'What a poor memory von' havo, my dear. Wo were married in Juno."

Scmiro: " You will -"bo pleased- to hear, Dobbs, that my sou has _b<?en called totke bar," Dobbs: Called to the bar, sir! What I knows on o 'e "didn't, want no calling."

"I suppose, Jane,tou* could n't think if foing to the matinee in that shabby old"li at?" " Oh, yon rlear man. How thoughtful you are. I really could*t think of : it.'' '' Yes. Just what I thought, so I only bought 0110-ticket.

i Mike and Fat worked for a wealthy farmer.- They planned to turn burglars and steal tlio money which the farmer had hid in one of the rooms of his house. They waited- until .midnight, then st.ai'ted' to do tho job. In order, to get, the money they_ had' to pass tho farmer's bedroom.- Mike said, ■ "I'll 20 first, and if it's.all right you can follow and do just the eamo as I.'' Miko,started to pass 'the room. Just ns/hywas opposite* the door, tlio floor croaked. This, awoke. the farmer, who called out, "Who's there?" Miko'answered with a "Mcaow!" (imitating n. * cat). The fanner's wife, being awake, too, said, "Oh* John, it's the cat/', and, all was quiet. Now Tat started to pa,ss the'door, and as he got opposite it ill© .floor .creaked '-again. ~ s The farmer called' out 1 again,' louder than : before, " Who's there?" Pat answered, " Another cat." -V ■

A schoolboy home- for the holidays, wishing to inspire his little sister with awe for his learning, pointedto a star i and said, " Do you see that little luminary? It's bigger tlian this wide, world." "No, 'taint,",said his sister. "Yes, it is," returned the youthful schalar. "Then, why is it that it don't keep off / the * rain?" was the triumphant rejoinder.

i'V ' ' I A BLUNT OLD MAN. Waiter (to town councillor, who' is furtively feeling the edges of, the

knives-arranged on the banqueting table):;' " It's all right, Mr Brown. Every one of 'cm has been sharpened." • ' Town Councillor (moodily): "I wor

looking for a blunt 'un; t' last time Aw wor 'ere Aw cut my mouth!"— " Tit-Bits."

REFUSED TO PAY TWICE

It was in a'West End restaurant in London, where Sandy went for a drink, and he ordered a whisky, and soda, for which they charged liim a whole shilling. -He'complained of the ; price, and said, that he was only acj customed to pay threepence for a nip of whisky. "Yes, that's all well enough," said the barman, "but.you'vo got to pay (something here for the luxurious, surroundings—tho velvet seats_ and the mirrors and the beautiful pictures; cn the wali> and all that." Next day Sandy went into the same place again, ordered a drink and put down threepence. It was a different barman, but he protested. I "No, 110," said Sandy. "No, no, ! man; that's all right. I saw-yer pic- , tures yesterday."

* * 1 EASILY RECTIFIED. ! Too many men seem to make resolutions only to break theifa afterwards. They are like Smytlic. I When Smyth6. came homo very, late I on January -, a cigar in his mouth I and an odour of altohol about him, his I wife said .bitterly-: " Only yesterday you-swore off late hours, whisky and tobacco, and now—look at you now! You've broken all three of your goad resolutions!" "Well, dearie—hie—what of it?" said Smythe, in a hurt -f-hic—r-niako others, c-can't I?" London Opinion.^ j A MASCULINE IDEA. A teacher in one of the primary grades of the public school had noticed a Striking platonic friendship that existed between Tommy and littlo Mary, 1 two of her pupils. Tommy was a bright enough young-st-er, but be wasn't disposed- to prosecute his studies with much energy, and his teacher said that unless'he. stirred himself befote tho end of the year lie wouldn't be promoted. "You must study harder," she told him, "or you won't pass. How would ■ yoit like to stay back in this class another year and havo little Mary go i ahead of you?" I "'Aw," said Tommy, "I guess there'll be other little Marys."—" ChiI cazo Ledger." I *»* I THE DEED. He stood on the bridge at midnight. On wrong he was plainly bent, Ho stealthily glanced from left to right With a look of ill-intent. "'Tis safe," he muttered, *•'there's no one near, T can do it, she'll never know "; JTr. leant o'er the parapet to peer Into tho depth below. Re gazed on the river's rlai'ksomo flow— Oh, cruel rivpr bed, "These cigars, a. Christmas gift, must go. ' " 'Tis the only way," he said. . 'Tis best,".lie muttered, and swiftly i dropped Over the bridge like n shot. 1 in the water below lie popped The ci< r iir.s from his wife he had got. . ° __<« Weekly Tele-ra^h." . * '.> i i