THE AGONY COLUMN.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11028, 17 March 1914, Page 6

THE AGONY COLUMN.

APPEALS FOR HELP OF EVERY CONCEIVABLE SORT. (London Correspondent New Orleans " Times-Democrat.") If there are any mora American millionaires who, like Andrew Carnegie, are worried lest they may die disgraced by dying rich, they need not bother about founding libraries, helping universities or building peace palaces J for there is a much simpler way than any of these of getting rid of tlieir superfluous weaM). All that t'he plutocrat American who yearns to bo poor needs to do is to subscribe to the famous and dignified London Times, and then to proceed to, assist oil the folk (and an uncommonly queer crowd they are) who advertise their needs—or alleged needs—in this journal's renowned "Agony Column/' In no other journal in the wide world that one wots of do people in all walks of life eo persistently advertise their necessities, or, in some cases, their mere whims, in, apparently, the fond belief that utter strangers will be moved by their appeals and proceed to " cough up" the necessary wherewithal. So unblushing and, frequently, amusing are these agonies, that the present writer recently resolved to collect A FEW OF THE CHOICER SPECI-

MENS. Here is a highly typical "appeal" which appeared fairly early in the holiday season N "Vicar for many years of a large parish and his wife, utterly unable to afford such a luxury, intensely desire a holiday abroad, free from work, free from cost, free from other companionship than their own. Will anyone who appreciates such a longing and is rich enough to .gratify it provide means for this happiness. Write Reverend O 191, The Tinies Office, EX)." For sheer " nerve" it would be hard to beat this and many others of the personals, and one frequently wonders if the ingenuous folk who iusert them ever get any replies,,to say nothing of discovering philanthropists ready to '' part" as tney say over here. _ Evidently the first appeal of the "Vicar of a large parish" was disregarded, for a couple of weeks afterwards it was repeated with the pathetic query, " Or. does no one care No reply to former advertisement."

Clergymen, by the way, are. arrant beggars. Here is another of them, a "country this time, "who would be exceedingly grateful for loan of motor-cycle with side-car." "Greatest care," he adds, " ingratiatSngly. " A .very real kindness. Cannpt possibly buy, or would." There has been no sequel to this "ad.," 60 we never shall know whether the vicar ever got his motor-bike or whether he still is pedalling an " ordinary." Folk who have got tired of working and yearn to.be adopted by some'afflu.ent person are thicker than blackberries. Here is

THE HEART-CRY OF ONE OF THEM:— "A young gentleman.- 19-20, unhappy through family misfortune, would be ever grateful if someone really kind and generous would take a deep interest in him or even adopt him. Write X Y Z, O 272, The Times Office, E.C."' And here that of another: — "Will wealthy lady or gentleman adopt or interest themselves in young man with artistic and literary abilities. eferences gladly given. Genuine. Do please respond. P .652, Tlv; Times Office, E. 0." Folk who desire holidays at somebody else's expense likewise bulk large in the "Agony" column. A typical " appeal " of this kind read as follows: ' " Educated young man (twenty-five), very good companion, has five weeks' holiday during August and September, and would like well-to-do person to take liim abroad; has great desire for travel, but financial and other circumstances will not allow it; photo sent. Reply O 889, ' The Times' Office, E.Oi' Next we have a " loyal churchman who has given the leisure of twentyfive years to church and _ charitable work in London, and .who is urgently in need of £25 through domestic affliction. Could repay with interest next year." Also "a- struggling business man. for sixteen years in money-lend-ers' hands," who 'appeals for "private loan of £25 to free nim 3 " not to mention "Anxious," who wants "temporary help, to save myself and family from, disaster," and who inquires pathetically, "Can I find a- friend?"

There are self-styled hard workers who only want a chance to hustle, and advertise for it, and there are also avowed "slackers" who now, however, have seen the error of their "\vays and long for a helping hand. Here is 0110 of the former : " Young professional man, too shabby to obtain engagement. Will anyone provide suit and'linen, etc.? Refs. 0 679, 'Times' Office, E.C." Then there is " Alphomega," who advertises candidly: "' A slacker '; nothing-will-ever-be-come-of-him; abilities, lacking application; no vices save indifference, convinced lie can be useful, desires financial'help." Of course he does, and so does "P 390," wh6 declares " I realise now—at thirty—how I've ' fooled' away my chances. Am now in 'dead earnest'—will you help? I've done some ' travelling' and specialty gelling; have good organising abilities. P 390, 'The Times' Office, E.C." There literally is no end to the variety Of these appeals. Here, for example, is one from a " workingman who, having discovered the laws of hereditary of vertebra?., prays for an opportunity to make his

IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY " widely known," while on his heels comes "A Lady" who "earnestly appeals for donations toward the education of a young girl (well born) who is now in a superior school 'training for her future livelihood, but cannot remain unless help is given. All particulars from Miss W., Martin's Library, Bromley, Kent." Curious to learn what fruit, if any, is borne by all this "appealing," the writer inquired of the manager of the advertising department if these wouldbe "cadgers" appeared to be successful in discovering Good Samaritans. "Yes," he replied*. "I think in a good many cases they are. Of course, there are quite a lot of people with plenty of money and soft hearts, and I think that a fnir number of them aac touched—in both senses—by these appeals. In fact, I've more than once thought of advertising myself and asking some plutocrat to adopt me or to treat me to a trip around the world. Of course, we pay little or no attention to the replies that any individual advertiser receives, but I was told only a few days ago by a lady—quite a wellknown person—who made an appeal for somebody ol.se in our columns, that she had received several replies—although not as many as she had hoped—and that she was reinserting her advertisement. "It is a fact, too, that many'of these cases are ones of

GENUINE DISTRESS. "I may say that we would accept no advertisement in which financial aid is requested without assuring ourselves of its author's bona fldos, invariably asking for at least one unquestionable, reference as to character and so forth. But I regret with you that our appealers, especially the vicars who advertise for motor-cycles and continental holidays, constitute a weird company.'"'