THE STORY-TELLER.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 11026, 14 March 1914, Page 6

THE STORY-TELLER.

SHE WAS LEARNING. Little Elsie's parents were in the habit of spelling tho words when tlioy wished her not to understand what was being said. On one of these occasions Elsie said: "Now that I'm going to school I'll soon learn to spell; then you'll have to whistle it." WHAT IS GOUT? A Frenchman, being troubled with gout, was asked what difference there was between that and rheumatism. " Ono very great difference," replied Monsieur. * " Suppose yon take one vice, put your linger in, you turn the screw till you can bear him 110 longer, zat is rheumatism. Den s'pose you give him one turn more, zat is gout." V TORPEDOED. Being unable to find a seat on the overcrowded train, a large woman went into tho smoking car and sat down by the door. ' , The man next to her, absorbed in his newspaper, kept on smoking. "I was foolish enoiigh to suppose," said she, glowering at him, "that some of the men in here at least were geijtlemen." "Pardon me, madam," he answered politely, offering her a cigar. BOYS WILL BE BOYS. A small boy had been vaccinated, and after the operation the doctor prepared to bandage the sore arm, TJtii the boy objected. Put it 011 the other arm, doctor!' " Why, 110," said the physician, "1 want to put tho bandage on your sore arm, so tho boys at school won't hit you 011 it." " Put it on the other arm, Doc.," reiterated the small boy ; " you don't know the fellows at our school." * * A SETTING SON. Tliero was a little boy who began to keep a diary. His first entry was: "Got up this morning at 7 o'clock." He showed tho entry to his mother, and she, horror-stricken, said: " Have you been to school? Got up, indeed 1 Such an expression f Does the sun get up! No, it rises." And she scratched out " Got tip at 7 " and wrote " Rose at 7" in its place. That night the boy, before retiring, ended the entrv for the day with the sentence: "Set at 9 o'clock."

« * A KALKERLATIN' NIGGER, A farmer hired'a negro and sent him to a distant field in the morning, telling him to think and plan out the best Tray to do the work, as there was "half in calculating." About noon he went over to see how tho new hand was getting on, and found him sitting ''n tho fence, haying done nothing. The farmer angrily asked what lie had been doing. " Why, marsa," said he, " you tole me.dor was half in kalkerlatin', eo I thought X'd kalkerlate dis forenoon, and work dis afternoon, soli." THOUGHT HE WAS " KIDDIN'." A traveller ran up against a Jittlo "bordin' house" in a small town in Indiana, while he was 011 his holiday last summer, and asked the waitress of the place " what they had." "Oh, about everything," was tho answer. "Well," said the epicurean, "bring me ft large porterhouse steak, smothered in mushrooms, some potatoes au gratin and a cold bottle." The waitress gave him one terrifying look and blurted: " Ah, quit your ' kiddin' '; if we had anything like them here, the boss would eat it himself." *•* MEASURE FOR MEASURE. ■ A Scotsman in search of work was recently given employment as a labourer at a shipyard. His first job was to carry several heavy planks. After he had been at it for several hours, he went to the foreman and said : "'Did a tell ye ma name when a started to work?" "Yes," replied the foreman, "you said it'was Tamson." " Oh, then it's a' richt," said the Scot as he looked toward the pile of planks he.had yet to carry. "A was jist a-wunrierin' if ye thocht a said it was Samson." *.» SATIN REPROVING SIN"You naughty, cruel boy!" said the very fashionably dressed young woman, who was' taking a stroll in the park, to the urchin whom she found despoiling a bird's nest. " How can you be so heartless as to take those eggs ? Think of the poor mother bird when she comes back and " "That's all light, miss," interrupted the boy, " tho mother bird is dead." The young woman's expression reflected disbelief. "How do you know?" she asked sharply. "'Cos I sees 'er on your 'at," was the replv.' \ > A TIP-TOP, EYE. The other day a teacher at a certain school in Lancashire asked her scholars a rather peculiar question. "Now, boys," she said, " if you were going to have another eye, where would you have it put?" After a lot of study, a small boy put up his hand and said, " Please, ma'am, on tli' end 0' my finger." " Why should you have it put 011 the end of your finger, Johnny?" inquired the teacher. ' "Why," replied the lad. "then I could stick it through tli' boards and watch th' football matches for nowt!" * # HE WENT ON PAYING. In the soi't firelight the boardinghouse .sitting-room looked almost cosy and attractive. The warmth and comfort thawed the heart of the oldest boarder. In an expansive moment he turned ■toiyard the landlady, who was his only companion in the room, and, clasping lier hands fondly, murmured: "Will you be my wife?" Tho woman did not start or blush. No-maidenly coyness shoile from her clear, cold eyes. " No, sir," she replied, with calm deliberation. " I'm sorry, but I cannot marry you. You've been here four years, and are much too good a boarder to be put 011 the free list."

THE POINT OF VIEW. "Yes," said the old African explorer, " I onco found myself in danger from ;i lion at a time when I had no weapon with which to protect myself. So I tried the very experiment which you have just suggested—of sitting down and staring at him.". "Ah!" exclaimed the scientist. " That is interesting. How did tlio experiment work " '■Perfectly—perfectly! Why. the lion didn't oven come near me."^ The scientist rose to his feet in <a state of great excitement, and was heginning to bubble something about confirmation of his theories'when the explorer interrupted. "You see," ho remarked, puffing contentedly at his cigar, " I ehoso to sit on a high branch of a very tall tree." * * HE WASN'T CITE ENOUGH. The grubby-looking man stood in the doorway, ivith determination on overv line, of liis unshaven countenance. Tko housewife who faced him was equally determined. " Yes, madam," said tlio shabby man, " the guv-norses to me. ' Go and git Mr Jones's dress suit to bo cleaned and pressed. The hdy'll give it to yer.' The guv-nors a tailor, you see, Ilium.'' . , , , , ~ . i ... "Oh!" replied the lady. "And did you see Mi' Jones " I did, mum," came tlin answer, " wiv me own eyes. He ses, ' Tho lady'll know. I lei"' a message tit 'onlc.' " ' Pininlv. .Mrs Jones was perplexed. The trickster felt he had nearly achiev-

Ed his object. ■ The lady's reply finally eruslicd liim. liOH'cvcr. Well." she answered, all I can siiv is that- Mr Jones never bad a dross suit, and for the last Ave years bc'.s been in Canada!" Then the grubby man bolted.