FUN AND FANCY.

Star (Christchurch), Issue 10536, 10 August 1912, Page 4

FUN AND FANCY.

"What do you expect to be when you come of age, my little man?" a»k« ed the visitor. "Twenty-one, sirl" was the ready reply. Bobby: "Is this a camel's-hair brush, mamma?" Mamma; "Yes." Bobbyj i " But how does a camel manage to brush his hair with a little thing lik« that?" ' .■:.■

Dismal Dawson: "I'm trying to gib ' back to mo poor old mother. She aiS't seen me faoe for ten years." ' Old. Gentleman: "I guess that is .tha truth. Why don't you wash it?" ,• Cheeky Little Boy: "Have vmi caught anything yet, sirP'? TliS. • Angler: " Not yet, my Cheeky; Little Boy: "I thought &oi. TWel , ; weren't no water there till it rained last' night 1" •. .'. " ' . . Mother: "There, now, don't whip ; Johnny. You know the Bible says, < ' Let not the sun descend upon youf ■'f wrath.' " Father: " That's ; fcllrigntj r but it doesn't say not to let your wratll descend upon your son." "80 your wife is a Suffragette V "Yes," answered Mr Moekton. "Why, does she. want the vote?" "I don'ti think Henrietta really desires, to vote. She's merely tired; of talking to me. She wants a larger and more" intelligent audience." . ' "Can any of you tell me how iron W was discovered P" asked the teacher of 1 his class. "Yes, sir, I can," said a/ '"■' little fellow. Well, just tell the das* .:; what you know of the of iron." "Please, sir, I heard father say they smelt: it." Hardup; *' I'll never go to that re»- ! taurant again. The last' time I.waa there a,man got my overcoat and left' " his new one in its place." Wellbff: • "But the proprietor wasn't to blame " was ho?" Hardup: ,; No,bu6 I might :■•'-• meet'the other man." ' ■'.*■'•■'•'•■

A negro once appeared before the court of justice for stealing some studs from a jeweller's shop. When the judge asked why ho stole the studs he •replied:'"Well, you sees, sah, there was a card, arid it said, 'Collar-. studs,' so I just went.in and collared 'em."

'• It s nothing but vanity that make* you always conceal your age." said the young man to the girl who had rejected him, " but Tm*going to find out in spite of .'you I" , " I r d like to know how " you expect to do it?" she asked. "I ; anf going .to outlive,you, and read it on - ' your.tombstone."-' ;i " People nowadays," said the old house cat/" don't, know how to raist children... They let the youngsters have" ' their own way tod much." "That'* right,? replied: the 'old brood hen. "Now, look at these chicks of mine. They wouldn't-have, amounted toanything if they, hadn't been sat upon," A.boy looking for something to do saw-.the sign--"Boy Wanted" banging outside a shop. ;He picked up the sign "> and entered the shop. The proprietor. ( met him.; "What did you bring that * sigh-in here forP" asked the < .shop-•! keeper....."You won't need it any ; . more," said the boy cheerfully;,, " I'm going to take the j ob." Mrs Smiths Jones, a villa Palm Beach, engaged for butler av stately old Coloured deacon. "'Now, & "Clay," she said to the old 'fellow, * "there are two things I must insist * upon—truthfulness . and "Yes, madam," the venerable servant'.,, answered, "and when yo' bids me tell, yo' guests vo's out -when yo's in, which shall it be?V

" Tommy," exclaimed the mother, t proachfully,- " you've been fightingagain!" Pi couldn't help it mamjna. That Bobby Jones : insulted me,'' re-. plied the; boy. "That was no" reason - for fijahting," said the mother. "You- 1 -- should remember- that a soft answer turneth awav wrath, and given him a? soft answer/' "I did," replied the bov; " I hit him with a chunk of mud." , James Magill, a Brooklyn contractor,- <*■ claims id be an *' artist in marble." It :• is related of him that Tie once carved - ( a sleeping lion in, stone, and sent it to ; the Queen's County Fair for a premium.}' The day for-distributing the. honour* arrived, and Mao was promptly on hand. Prize after prize was awarded* and finally Mr Magill's was reached. > The artist's eye lit up with a glow of expectation^as he leaned anxiously for-.-ward to hear these words: " Jamea \~ Magill—first prize for a beautiful sleep-" ins bull-pup ln marble." > - A surgeon who is often absent-mind- % ed was dining at ••■■the house of a friend?' * "Doctor,",said the lady of the house, "as you are so clever with the knife. we roust ask you to carve the leg o! mutton." "With pleasure." was the reply. And, setting to work, he made a deep incision in the joint of meat.Then he drew from his pocket a bundle - of lint,, together with several linen bandages, bound Tip the " wound " in , due form, and, still deeply absorbed in thought, said: " With rest and care b*. will soon be better!" ; The latest motor novelty in Pans* the " Express" says, is a taxi-cab - woman of an unusual kind. She is V pretty little Japanese, who drives as well as any man, and her cab is never empty from morning till night. There - was a crowd round her in the Place de TOpera recently/for her "fare," not' content with giving her a comfortable" tip. bought a large bunch of roses from a passing hawker and gave them to the pretty driver. The crowd cheered, as Paris crowds have got into the habit of cheering, and shouted, as they always shout" now, " Vive I'Entente CVwv dialel" THE OLD STORY. '.. Shoes are on the chiffonier, Trousers on ,the floor. Shirts upon the ohandeHer, "Wife is at the ehore. A DANGEROUS CROSSING/ The Council of Justice to Animals ftr trying to induce., the butchers to kill" their animals with the Behr pistol instead of with the barbarous pole-axe. One-recalls the story of the croweyed man who "was about to kill a bullock" in a country district some years " ago. As he swung up the pole-axe a. man who was hoknhg the bullock interrupted the cerenfofTy'. " Hal*- a„_ minute," he said. " Are you going to . hit where you're lookin'P" "Yes," said the slaughterer. ■ ■ The man gave another glance at the - slaughterer's eyes. " Then I'm off, he said. And off he went. breakinglt GENTLY.

"Dickie, I'm awfully sorry you use tobacco. I don't like it, arid mamnia simply loathes it. Will you stop when we are married ?'> , "Isn't that asking a lot,, dean© ?"■. : asked Dick. "I wouldn't care for myself/' answered the girl, 'but you know tt makes mamma deathly sick." _ "Well, then," he promised, chewfully, " I'll tell you what I'll do. r I.U never smoke wheu your mamma is with us." • ' .' w -' Sho threw her arms around him, v.... "Darling," sho murmured, " thats so good of you! I was afraid you'd insist on smoking once in a while, after we'were married."—"Cleveland Blam Dealer." TONGUE-TWISTERS. : . Noav that they are talking of having a department for stammerers under the management of the Board of Education, some people are wondering what will b« taken as the limit which shall mark a stammerer from a person who has only an occasional stutter on certain words. If anything of the kind is done, is probable that some learned doctors will ' devise a system of tests for the power* ■ of speech, |ust as they do now 107 the powers of sight. Some day we may see children asked to stand up and repeat something like this:—

Sho sells sea shells on the «e* shore. The shells she sells are sea sheik, I'm stir*. So if, she sells sea shells on the sea shore, Then' I'm sure sho still tea show shells. Here is another one that should prove an excellent test of a smooth-running tongue: —

Jiimbo Kemble kicked his kinsman's kettle. -- Did Kimbo Kemble kick his kinsman's kett'e? If Kimbo Kembie kioked his kinsman's kettle, ;'«! Where's the kinsman's kettle- thai KinaW '•;'-; Kemble kicked? , ; '